What is child abuse?
Quite often, I will mention my girls and get a strange response, like, “While I believe your and Melanie’s relationship may have been emotionally abusive, she’s a great mom!”
The reality is that child withholding and kidnap are ongoing forms of domestic violence for the adult victim. I am an ongoing DV victim even though I am not in that day-to-day relationship with that adult.
But withholding and kidnapping are also abusive to the held child as well as the children left behind.
Why? Because it is a chronic and ongoing trauma without an end. My child left behind grieves daily. Here’s an average recent day:
- Packs up sister’s “baby’s first Christmas” ornament from the tree. Wonders if sister will ever get her precious things again.
- Writes her sister about her school week. She wonders if her sister is too scared of her to reach out. She wants her sister to know she’ll be here anyway. So she cries. And writes. And thinks about what her sister is going through today.
- Texts their half-sister. Soren may never meet her siblings. She doesn’t know how many she has, or which ones she looks like, or shares an interest with.
- Listens to annoying “mom and boyfriend” do a Valentines’ podcast where these siblings are called “siblings” and donor is called “dad.” Alice seethes. Doesn’t anyone care about her real sister? Some news outlets don’t mention her name. On purpose. Today, again, we’ll hear that Soren is being erased from Alice’s story.
- We talk about math. Alice still has nightmares about the public school math teacher who looked like Melanie from 2 years ago, and who wouldn’t tell her how to do any of the problems. Pre-calc is totally never getting absorbed.
There are new cuts every day.
We both think about what lie Soren is hearing and how it’s hurting her every second of every day.
Yes, yes, withholding is child abuse and DV for the parent who cannot help their child.
Mandatory reporters should report child abuse. Other adults should, too.
What if the kid is happy?
Lots of people like to tell me my kidnapped child is “just fine!”
In a kidnapping situation where my particular kiddo saw her sister get axed from the family with no rhyme or reason, it’d actually “give me peace” to see Soren fumbling school, not acting perfectly, or talking back to her mom without worry.
The reality is that abuse looks lots of different ways. Sometimes that’s a clue that it IS abuse, not a clue that it’s NOT.
Isn’t parental alienation “fake”?
I’ve seen some debate about whether it’s abuse to trash talk one’s ex in front of children. While that’s not our story, it’s related, as Melanie has obviously kept Soren from having a loving relationship and being bonded with her mom. That’s called parental alienation.
Kids of parental alienation are more likely to:
- Split the world into “good guys” and “bad guys” without nuance, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, and heart. Develop a strong alliance with their abusive parent—to their detriment as they are being lied to and manipulated by this person with power over them.
- Flub relationships. It’s hard to trust when you’re taught to reject people outright for minor violations (or reasons that were made up by an alienating parent). It’s also harder to form healthy attachments after losing a core attachment so young.
- Experience common outcomes like loneliness, depression, sleep problems, substance abuse, eating disorders, heightened fantasy life, anxiety, emotional dependence, over-compensation for self-esteem issues, and memory loss.
- See hostility and manipulation as normal in relationships.
Parental kidnap isn’t real kidnap.
Because I was in a same-sex relationship, I don’t get anyone returning my kid. But here’s a great resource for straights about what Alice and I may be thinking and feeling, and what the outcomes are for other kids like Soren, but who came from straight or adoption-secure homes.
In short: kidnap hurts. Let’s make a world where all children can be returned. The trauma of return…wow, I wish I had to deal with that. So does Soren’s sister, and her cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma, and big extended family ready to support and love her.
Being held and “protected” by a web of helpers who are manipulated or lying to you isn’t cool, and being a bystander is super uncool.
Check, verify, and report extreme manipulation, even if the child does not seem as disturbed as you think they should be. That could be because they’re being manipulated.
Parental Kidnap isn’t deadly
All children deserve intervention. The child you think is “fine” could be hurting, hiding, or trapped and have learned survival skills that look great to outsiders. The worst could be coming. Their smile doesn’t mean what they are going through is ok, or won’t end badly.
See something? Say something.
Soren’s life has been punctuated by parents “not wanting to upset her” and school personnel actively participating in lies meant to manipulate and instill fear. This never had to happen. If this is your family, a kid on your block, a kid you once knew, or you’re in a district like this, PLEASE. SPEAK UP.