Forgive me, Soren, for forgetting to write until late. The holidays have knocked my sense of time out again. How are you doing? How are the leftovers? I had pumpkin pie for breakfast, which was very nice. The bread wreath will supply us for months (read, a week perhaps).
I only talked of the holiday yesterday so I would have something to say today, but I forgot nothing much happened again. Mom asked me today if I’d like to visit Portland to see cousin Ryan on December 10th, which I said yes too. She said “it’s hard” to visit Eugene. Forgive me if this is ungrateful: harder than Greece? But I won’t be too rude. I was glad to visit Oregon at all for my AP test last May, and I’ll be glad to see it again. But I’m always drawn to Eugene like to a black hole. I never stop thinking about it, especially when close, especially when traveling off of the island. Mom suggested our next vacation to be to Hawaii; I didn’t want to bring the mood down, or speak against her vacation intentions, but I thought all the time that I wanted to go to Eugene instead. But that isn’t fun enough for a vacation, is it. I suppose we are socially banned from most of it, aren’t we. The last time (or perhaps the time before) we were there, we saw Layla and her mom (and perhaps her brother?) at a Michael’s, and they seemed to hurry out away from us, as if I were Sam Sheppard.
I think it is all of this that had made me so bad at socializing; when Mom left, she took all of my friends’ moms with her, and now none of them would want their children to see me. I wonder if even the less-connected ones know of it and would avoid me the same. Would Eleni try to avoid talking to me? Mia? I saw Yasmin(e?) (the classmate, not Siena’s mom) at Charlemagne in winter of 2017, where we both got the idea to go sledding when it snowed, but we did not speak. Were we both awkward or did her parents tell her to avoid me? Do they all think I’m awful? I know I’ve been mean before, but would they think me capable of whatever great ill that made everyone leave me? I’m glad that Terah moved away. We barely speak, but she didn’t leave me like everyone else did. I’m glad Sophia moved before this happened even if I never saw her again; we fought so much, but it was in our own hands, and not an inexplicable ink stain covering a now-illegible third of a book. I think I’ll never have real friends again. I’ve been alone too long now. Olivia spoke to me when I asked after you outside of Roosevelt in spring of 2018, but Sofia did not remember me, or pretended not to. I remember Olivia so fondly for it. She’s the only pre-trauma acquaintance to ever be kind to me, excepting those who wouldn’t have ever seen Soren or Mom, like Mme. Katherine.
I’ve ranted for too long now. Feel free to skip past this one if the long paragraphs remind you of English class too much. I think far too much sometimes. It’s all I’ve had to do for a third of my life. If you ever see Auden, please apologize to him for me, for harassing him in 2nd and 3rd grade. I would understand his unkindness. I’m going to bed now, I’ve thought too much again. I wish my head worked this well during school. Goodnight, Soren, I hope you’re sleeping well back home. I hope my bed is still across from yours.
With love,
Alice