Friday once more. I’m feeling a little under the weather this week, but I’ve still gotten a good amount of work done. I’ve just learned my one test this year is like three days after I fly back in May (they never tell you anything about the schedule until right before; it’s miserable). Anyway they should all die. Pray for me and my jet lag. I’m going to another town over the weekend to thrift with a friend and try to send a letter to my Dutch friend. Most British post offices are also basically gas station stores so they kind of scare me. So I’m traveling to a post office that looks like a post office. Not efficient, but, it’s also an excuse to go thrifting.
I can’t wait to be home in a few weeks. I’m so tired. I want some time to do nothing at home. Not much time, but hey, that’s what summer’s for. I prefer doing schoolwork at home too since it’s much more familiar. It’s not school if there’s no cat actively bothering you.
The documentary about sperm donation is apparently making rounds at film festivals. I don’t like to think about it but it’s had me thinking. Mom made me do the documentary and all the tv stuff because she said we’d get to talk about you (and is it really a choice if your sister is kidnapped), and we did, but when I see all those old articles all I can see is ‘look, lesbian kid now part of Normal family!’. I’m afraid it makes it look like we replaced you more than anything else. And I suffered so much for nothing. There was nothing worse than all that attention and pressure. Mom would berate me for being bad at interviews. She told me awhile back I looked dumb in the documentary, and maybe we would’ve gotten more screen time if I’d done better. She will never understand what a toll it took on me. Since 2016, everyone around me has been trying to redefine what my family is, and nobody likes that I like it the same as it’s always been: Mom, Mom, you, cats. She wants Aaron in a nebulous stepdad role because she likes him and he’s paying for college, but I don’t like playing pretend. Both of our moms doing the same thing, really, trying to tell me who my family is. This got away from me. I hope the news articles didn’t make you feel even lonelier. One of them said that Alice ‘misses her sister, but is enjoying life with her new siblings’. What utter bullshit. Know that I spent that entire phase of media from 12-14 actively suicidal — no familial bliss at all. Wishing you were there and wishing someone would take all the cameras away so I wouldn’t be known for goddamn sperm forever. Honestly, I relate to those abused child YouTubers a bit. Not as bad, but, no choice, all acting, get back on stage, play happy family. Labor without compensation. Mom has magazine articles framed on the walls. The fact that she still does it and still tells me to do it makes me think that it’s just for the attention, these days. Is this really helping you at all? Are you even mentioned in the documentary? I won’t watch it to find out (I’ve always avoided the news coverage), but that thought is starting to haunt me a bit.
This is long. It’s been weighing on me for years. I’ve had to think about it more lately. I’ve been looping ‘Time to Dance’ by Panic! At the Disco about it. I remain an emo tween forever. Anyway, that’s my true thoughts on the nightmare that was media attention. Mom doesn’t seem capable of understanding my side at all. Maybe you’ll find something sensible in it. You probably would’ve liked the ordeal better than I did. I remember wishing I could hide behind you like I always have. It was just my undiagnosed panic disorder and those bright, bright lights. Thank god I’m an adult and can say no now. Never again. I don’t even like being photographed anymore. But it happens anyway, because Mom loves taking photos. And we need something for the Flickr so you know I’m alive and have a face. Someday the internet will explode, and I will be very happy.
With love,
Alice