Uncategorized

March marches on. How are you? I’m in the assignment pit per usual, but something great happened today: I stumbled onto one of the campus cats.

I love him. He tolerated me. my friend and I also went to a yoga event where they have kittens wandering around: both my spine and my heart are elated.

So I was on Cloud 9 a few days ago. How are you? Is everything going alright? It’s only a few weeks now until I go home. I’m really excited. I desperately need it. Only so many cats can fill the void of your cats and your house.

Mom’s watched all of the Star Wars movies for Disneyland reasons. I watched one with a friend (Phantom Menace) and didn’t like it (it’s not very well written). I don’t know how she did this to herself. In my head, it is our greatest privilege to have avoided boy things by having gay parents and no brothers. Thank god. Anyway. That’s really all that’s happening, unless you want to hear about Tacitus, which, though my information-starved self would love your essay troubles, I think you deserve a little better. Instead, here’s a photo of a perfectly-shaped daffodil I saw today. I love you.

With love,

Alice

The Ides of March is tomorrow. I do love killing tyrants! I went to a park on Sunday with a friend and we watched a bunch of dogs go by. It’s been really nice out. School’s been normal, as usual. How are you?

There were construction guys in my dorm doing door-repair-stuff yesterday. They needed to come in the room so I spent most of the day kind of hiding and blocking the noise. Not quite sure what happened to the door though, since they took off the frame and put it back on, and it looks about the same. I also went to a fun chocolate place in a nearby town on Tuesday. Saw some 15th/16th century books in the campus archives after. Very cool.

Also, most very importantly, I found two flash games from GamesForGirls that I liked when we were like six. The website you liked to play pregnant Elsa-type games on. They were called Jinx and Minx Tower Escape and Minx’s Easter Adventure. Playing felt like seeing memories through a thick fog. I had to google specific minigame answers, which, hm, don’t think about it.

I am very tired and thus boring today. All I ever mean to do is keep that little candle burning in the dark. I love you lots. Indelibly.

With love,

Alice

Heya! Happy March! I hope you’re doing alright. Mom saw her first daffodils of the spring today. It was fairly sunny today, so I sat outside to work a little, but it started sprinkling in the way where you can’t tell which cloud it came from.

Last Friday I went into London to see Phantom of the Opera. I made a little tourist itinerary for the hours beforehand, since I was going into London anyway. I went down a little bookshop street called Cecil Court, realized nothing was open yet, meandered into the church in Trafalgar Square, went back, bought a vintage telescope at Covent Garden, bought a book near the British Museum, then visited Charles Dickens’ house for a very long time (they had a nice tea room for my aching feet). I meant to go to a museum where Fragonard’s Swing is but spent too much time with Dickens. Then I started back toward His Majesty’s Theater, realized I had an extra hour to kill, walked into a fancy chocolate store a few blocks away, and succumbed to temptations. I’ve never been this close to spending over my budget. I have been half-starving myself for the past week.

The play was FANTASTIC. I will never be over it. They don’t let you record but I have lots of pictures of the inside. It was 10000% worth being home so late. I had a really good seat that was at the front of the balcony. It was also closer to the stage than I thought, so I could see fine.

I got home about midnight. English trains are evil. It was a very fun adventure, and I slept for twelve hours that night. The font has suddenly changed to Arial, can you see it? Weird. Anyway, this week has not been as interesting as last Friday. Studying, studying, singing Phantom in the shower, studying, panic, you know the drill. I might be able to get extra time on tests, which is good. I hope everything’s alright there — I hope you’re well — etc. You know I’m always thinking it. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Almost March! There’s flowers blooming all around now. It was sunny today and it felt, correctly, like spring was crawling in too soon. Is it the same for you?

This week’s, again, been little but schoolwork. I have to go into London tomorrow (which is why I’m writing today), and I’ll tell you all about it next week. The notable thing really is that I’m running out of things to do before I have to use the subway to get to them. I am spooked by the subway.

Also, stupid college activity life advice: don’t put a pot in the microwave. No disaster happened!— but don’t be like me. That said, I successfully made bread bowl Mac n cheese, and it was awesome. Aside from that, I’m afraid I’ve been completely boring. Work work work. I’ve been playing a game called Night in the Woods for the past few days and really like it.

Also, I saw a cat outside my dorm!

Anyway. I love you always. Listened to Hesitant Alien for the first time in awhile and remembered how much I painted myself into others’ art to survive at thirteen. You were ‘Brother’, Mom (Mel) was ‘No Shows’, etc. I was closer to a time when you were around back then, but I think that made it worse. Now the pain is more bearable, like homeschool-induced loneliness. I wonder how you feel. We are still bleeding after all.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? It’s been a fairly tiresome week. But it’s also been fairly fast, which is good. This week is “study week,” which means no class is happening. I will be writing papers inside the whole time.

Flowers are starting to bloom here. Is it the same back home? Pearl desperately wants to go outside, but we can’t have Supervised Outdoor Time due to bird flu. She loves to kill birds when nobody’s looking. Which is why it’s always a bit annoying when nobody supervises the Supervised Outdoor Time. She’s crying at the back door a lot. I hear it over FaceTime.

Over here, little has changed. I’m writing papers and agonizing. Trying to distract from the current world with said papers — my current archaeology project is killing me, so it’s helping. For no particular reason, the fact that the Roman emperors who act openly autocratic get murdered so quickly is very comforting to me. There’s at least a few of them in every Roman Empire discussion. However, I still can’t wait to go home. Mom’s been having fun planning our next Disney trip. We’re slowly crawling over the new making-the-park-worse systems there.

So, per usual, it’s uneventful here. I had a nice Saturday painting and eating cucumber-cream cheese sandwiches. The most hedonistic I’ve gotten in a while. I hope you‘re alright. — Why did that apostrophe reverse? On ‘you’re’? Do you see that? Regardless, I’m always here for you, even when I’m up to my neck in work. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Still not technically over there. I’m writing early since today will be (a-romantically) busy. How are you? How was your week? I have been crawling through essays. I bought a pretty pair of 19th-century opera glasses (just binoculars, really) to take to the theater, which was nice. I open all packages with my tiny sewing kit scissors here.

Do you have any Valentine’s plans? It’s a less Big Holiday than others, so it’s never mattered too much, unless you’re dating someone. I’m going to a friend’s house to watch the Interview with the Vampire show (recommended, but probably not up your alley?).

I have to get to school soon, so that’s all I’ll write. I love you. I’m thinking about you always. Every holiday I feel guilty, even if it’s a small one like Valentine’s Day. If I could be at home with you now, I would.

With love,

Alice

February crawls on. How are you? This week I bought a ticket to Phantom of the Opera in London — I’m very excited. It’s good every time. Feeling very good about using my tourism opportunities. That said, I must be sweeter to my budget for awhile. I also got some vintage opera glasses to bring: they haven’t arrived yet, but they’re 19th-century and quite pretty.

Otherwise, this week has been alright-to-bad. Almost ran out of antidepressants before finally winning the British Healthcare Bureaucracy. Woohoo! No withdrawal! I was pretty worried there. Now I have all these comfort snacks for nothing — whatever shall I do?

Besides that, all quiet over here. I’ve spent a lot of time maneuvering through the jungle-foliage of archives for my essays. My strategy for avoiding getting flagged as AI is to include some brief but highly specific comparison of your subject matter to a different thing. I stumbled into it after getting a high grade on an assignment where there was a big scandal about half the students using AI (I don’t believe it for a second!): in that essay I compared Greek pottery painting to German expressionism, which machines probably wouldn’t do. Perhaps this might be useful if your college is also trigger-happy with AI accusations. So, yeah, Rudyard Kipling’s weaseled into my Herodotus essay. Fun world, this academia. That said, I had a nightmare last night I got a B- C+ grade on it, so we’ll see if that was a premonition or not.

Did you hear it’s snowed up in Washington? Mom got a few good days of snow. Is it also snowing down there? I’m very jealous. Though it did just hail for about five seconds here, then went back to rain. I cannot begrudge that: it tried.

As always, I love you dearly. Mom sent me an autobiography she made me write when I was eleven for Aaron — to think you had not known me all that while made me very sad. It is still strange to me that you are older now than I was. Here’s my favorite part of that document.

Here’s my section about you:

With love,

Alice

Almost February. Thank the high heavens, we are free. How are you? I hope everything’s alright. I am not jet-lagged anymore, so now I am tired for normal reasons. This week has been little but classes and classes. I might run out of antidepressants because the NHS number stopped working and the people at the campus doctor’s office confused me, so we’ll see how that goes. Crossed fingers.

I had a fun time exploring Haunted Doll Etsy a few days ago. It’s a remarkably fun type of scam for spiritual people and macabre children. Historically inaccurate names and dramatic ghost-backstories and exorbitant prices abound. Highly recommend for a bored afternoon. Otherwise, I’ve been entertaining myself looking at tickets for Phantom of the Opera in London. I’ve seen it twice, but I don’t remember if you have — highly recommended.

So yeah, it’s been rather uneventful. Most exciting thing today is that I got groceries. Maintaining my vegetable consumption. I’ve been playing through Undertale again to remember that earth is good sometimes. Given that Mom only made this website when I was fourteen, you missed the Undertale Madness of 2017. It’s a little sad to think about. Big, important moments of time that I have never seen from you. What did you love when you were twelve? Fourteen? Twelve-and-a-half? Steven Universe when you were nine, from your Pinterest, and then silence.

That’s all that’s up. I’ll always keep in touch even when everything’s boring. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Good God, it’s been a long minute. I am jet lagged to the high heavens. How are you? Is everything going alright? I imagine you’re applying for colleges right about now: applying for schools is its own special hell, so I wish you peace and swiftness. It will be over soon.

As always, I recommend Europe for the prices. And, because, well, the current political climate is very, hmm, um, well… Do you think it’s possible to censor WordPress website posts like TikToks? No matter the case. I don’t like nazis. I want Donald Trump in Dante’s Malebolge. I am scared. But we’re going to be alright.

My jet lag’s made me a temporary insomniac, which has been somewhat taxing. I’ve been going through timeless space this whole week. It means nothing at all to me. Otherwise, classes have been fine, although my energy is very low. My friend also got me a mysterious plant box with a few mystery flowers in it — will someday update, though I never get sunlight on my window, so I worry about them. But then again, we did have hanging plants back home where you are — how did Mom keep them alive?

It’s been a hard week for the world. Take comfort in the good and the ordinary. In the 1940s, they were just as stressed as we are, and yet we survived it all.

With love,

Alice

Another paradigm shift, because I’m flying tomorrow. The airport has become my sworn enemy. I am very tired of flying. How are you? How was your birthday?

I’ll admit I haven’t done much. Just taken 5,000 cat pictures and packed. I did some reading and went out walking too, which is very good for the soul. Just mentally preparing to be back in Ol England. I’ve gotta do fieldwork as part of my archaeology degree, and I’ve found a good course: I’m gonna be in a medieval crypt this summer, which is also where I belong the rest of the time. I’m quite excited. Until then, surviving the winter. January and February are the bleakest months nowadays. I think having a Capricorn in the family to have birthday parties really helped in the old days.

So yeah: not much happening. Until tomorrow. Back to the airport and school grindstones. But we’re gonna be fine. You only have six months left of high school! Which is infinitely worse than college!

With love,

Alice

Happy birthday! You’re eighteen! What are you doing today? I imagine something special? It is, after all, a special birthday. Welcome to Adulthood: It Feels Exactly The Same.

You have more legal freedom now than you ever had before. Before this date I always imagined you messaging me somewhere once you had turned eighteen, but I know that legal adulthood often doesn’t feel like it when you’re in the exact same place as usual. But it’s still true: you have freedom now. If you need anything, we are here. Housing, college, anything. You are not trapped. You can come home at anytime. We will always take care of you. Even if you have to endure Mom and Aaron pausing Jeopardy to discuss every question. That’s the rent fee.

This birthday was more stressful for me than anything. I imagine it’s much worse for you. I don’t know what it’s like at home. But know you are not stuck in whatever’s going on. There is always a way out. I love you so much.

With love,

Alice

I am back home and alive! The flight was yesterday and I’m super glad to be home. Costa Rica was very nice. Here’s 500 pictures.

These are definitely not in chronological order. There is no joy quite like seeing a new Creature out in a foreign place. That’s why there’s lots of pictures. There are also a lot of stray dogs and cats, all quite friendly. We were in a little town called Montezuma most of the days staying with one of Aaron’s friends, then went to Liberia the last day.

The last day, we went tubing down a river that day: it was raining and fairly cold, but the water level had risen and made the whole trip much faster and thrilling than it would have been (I was terrified, but the guides were very good. The one next to me was a c. 12-year-old wearing socks in the river and fighting the current like a bat out of hell. I’d have tipped him so much if I could). I also got my legs stuck on a vine and have a hell of a big scratch on my calves. Such are the rapids.

Most of the days had some nature actively followed by lounging on the beach until sundown. I did lots of beach reading. I finished Maurice (1914) which liked a whole lot. Also bought an archaeology magazine at LAX: surprisingly basic, which makes sense since I haven’t read one since third grade, but fun. We spent a whole lot of time at a great restaurant called Sano Banano: I drank so many smoothies. So many. We flew back in just yesterday night. I got a few good pictures of Seattle.

Also, a few days ago, I found an old article about the whole sperm thing with Aaron. It’s one of the first things that comes up when you google my name. It said something to the effect of, “Jessica says Alice misses her sister, but is enjoying life with her new half-siblings.” I never read any of the magazine articles because I hated being on television and hated attention. I didn’t know they made things up. Mom says they invented lots of bullshit. Don’t believe a word of it. I didn’t replace you with anybody. I also wanted to non-hyperbolically kill myself when I was twelve, so I was not enjoying life. I spent that whole summer wildly uncomfortable with Aaron and the half-siblings and distracting myself with Undertale fan-comics. Don’t believe anything in internet articles or tv-whatever. Mom says the only source that didn’t have glaring inaccuracies was, shockingly, The Daily Mail.

So yeah, that was vacation. We did lots of cool stuff, but I, glad to be home. The cats are very happy. I love you lots. I’m going to lounge in recovery of the airport, mine enemy foul.

With love,

Alice

Hey! Sorry I didn’t write on the 31st. That was the flight day. I hope you had a nice New Year’s Eve. We got into Costa Rica fairly early, and I went to bed early and only woke up coincidentally to see midnight. I must admit — I am very tired of planes.

Vacation-wise, the last few days have been a bit grueling between the jet lag, heat, and humidity. But we’ve been having lots of smoothies and seeing weird animals. We went to a waterfall today and Mom and I managed to get behind it via rock-walling in the water (waterfalls push you away): never before have I been in a place where you can speak and inhale, but cannot quite breathe (so much heavy spray/waterfall). It looked very cool.

Although you probably won’t remember, the real jungle is uncannily similar to AdventureLand at Disney (the whitest thing I’ve ever said). Here are some weird animals.

We also went to a cool cemetery the day before yesterday. I hope you’re doing alright back home. I’ll be honest to you (don’t tell Mom): I wish we were home. I don’t like being far away, and I want to rest. That said, I’m grateful Mom’s trying. She says she might want to move here if things get very bad in America these next few years. I don’t think I could, but I am scared to not follow her.

I’m really sleepy. I’ll give you a proper letter next week when we are home. I love you. Stay safe. Enjoy the cool winter.

With love,

Alice

Happy Hanukkah Day 3 and the no-man’s-land of post-Christmas pre-New Year’s Eve. Can you believe Hanukkah’s getting to January this year? I don’t think that’s ever happened to us before. I hope you’ve been liking the past few holiday days. Mine have been fairly uneventful. Mom and I are going to look at some Christmas lights off-island and go to a restaurant with Marcia and Emily. I always like looking at the lights. It helps that sunset is still at like 5 PM.

I’ve been suffering an awful stomach ache the whole school year. It’s anxiety, but I feel nauseous all the time. I just took a Dramamine in anticipation of the upcoming drive. Imagine how I will be at Disneyland this April, with tests around the corner? Taking zofran to go on Thunder Mountain? A shameful husk of myself have I become. Last April, it was only the tower of terror that made me sick (do NOT recommend). Have you ever suffered anything similar? My doctor’s upped my antidepressants — she says it’ll help. I hope so. But yeah, it sucks to spend break feeling so scared all the time. Sigh.

Not much has really happened since the day before yesterday. Since Grandma couldn’t come, we had the British tea-biscuits (basically biscotti) that I bought for her for ourselves. I don’t like them, but Mom kind of does, so a win? I guess we need to have them with tea. Then again, one must never trust English food.

I haven’t much to say this time. Nothing fun or interesting to tell you. The holidays have stretched my letters thin. I shall have, hopefully, something to tell you for New Year’s. I may write you the day before — we are flying the 31st for vacation. After that, I will definitely have something fun for you.

With love,

Alice

Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas! We opened presents at about ten. What did you get? Are you having a good time? I got some nice things, but Christmas is small this year since we’re going to Costa Rica. Aaron got the cats a donut-hole-tunnel. It’s already delightful.

Look how cute it is!! Paris was very interested in the festivities overall. Here’s him next to the charcuterie board.

It’s been alright today. I’ve just been reading Dickens for the past few hours. We celebrated Hanukkah night two yesterday — which I didn’t realize we’d do — because we’re flying before the last day.

This holiday has bad memories. I try not to think about Christmas most of the season. Hanukkah I celebrate melancholically, but I like it more since nothing bad happened on it (and because it’s not hyper-marketed like the Christmas behemoth). It is eight years now since it happened. It was one of the worst days of my life. I don’t know what it was for you, but I imagine not the best. I hope it was fast and vague. But I try to have fun today anyway, even if I don’t like Christmas anymore. No other day has a charcuterie board.

I’ll think of you tonight during Hanukkah. I wonder if you and Mom still watch the same prayer video we do. I hope we do. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How’s it going so far? It’s still relatively early, so not much is happening. Mom’s sanctioned off the basement as the Present Wrapping Zone. Here’s a picture she’s sent from the war zone:

I hope you’re alright. The holidays are, in my experience, gray and lonesome. I’m listening to Chappell Roan to counteract it. Her sad songs let me wallow and her happy songs lift me back up like a bungee cord.

In other news, Achilles is still jumping on people’s backs. It’s a big habit now, a very cute one.

So yeah, not much happening now. I’ll write you real words tomorrow when there’s more to talk about. I just wanted to send a few words your way. I love you. It’ll be alright.

With love,

Alice

I’m home! I’m very relieved and have slept very well since getting back. The cats are being very friendly, which is very nice.

The plane ride was alright. I got selected for a random check which was annoying. But I had a good time sitting and watching out the window: no northern lights this time, but the planets were very visible. You could see that Mars is red. The line at customs was wildly short too, which was the highest relief. Mom went to Trader Joe’s before getting me and I got to experience the world’s most refreshing pineapple and blue cheese chips while getting back home. Then we watched New Girl— we’re making Aaron watch the whole thing. Going delightfully. Mom says (I just asked) that you never watched new girl, that you were too young and I watched it with Laura in Arizona. Well. You know what I recommend.

Did you see that Hanukkah starts on Christmas this year? I’m reminded of that day Easter, Ramadan, and Margaret Thatcher’s death anniversary happened on the same day. That was fun. I will write you on the Hanukkhristmas Crossover Special. Not much will happen this year before Costa Rica, so at least it will be quiet. Melancholic holidays should be quiet. And full of distraction. I hope you enjoy it. We’re going to get a tree tomorrow, and I will send you a picture on Christukkah. I love you.

With love,

Alice

I don’t have much time to write today, busy, busy, busy. But how are you? I’m going home soon and I’m very excited. I’ve got almost everything packed and ready. Another American I’m friends with is also flying tomorrow, so we’re going to share a ride to the airport. I cannot wait to get home.

A few days ago a different friend invited me to a club event for the Harry Potter club (footnote: trans rights), and it was pretty fun. They had mini tarts you could take, and it was sort of a buffet of dinner items. There was a loud brass band next to us though, so we didn’t talk as much as play jenga with the other girls at the table.

I’ve really got to be running. I love you. If I crash into Baffin Bay, know that being a Cold Water Corpse is always what I’ve dreamed of.

With love,

Alice

P. S. My name and now the postscript have changed to an arial font on my screen. Can you see it?

Happy December! It is officially Christmas. I fly home about a week from now, and I can’t wait. I want to go home.

I got sick last Friday so I spent a few days huddled in bed. I was lucky it happened on the weekend. On Wednesday, I taught Mom how to find her Apple Music replay on Wednesday: four of her top albums were Taylor Swift, and the other one was Bridgerton. Which is very her. Do you use Spotify? If so, my condolences. Apparently I listened to Sweater Weather 703 times.

This week has been largely uneventful. I figured out how to turn on the stovetop here and made ravioli. A few days ago, I got to identify pollen through a microscope. Here are a few pictures I took:

I also found a thin type of on-brand Cheez-its, which I didn’t think were in this country. I have a bag of normal ones here, but I’ve barely eaten them. It’s more about the tangibility of American snacks than the taste. From America thou art, and unto America ye shall return, you know? They’re definitely stale by now.

I suppose this time is about simple pleasures. I’ll write to you once more before going home. I really cannot wait. The airport is my best friend on the way back. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Thanksgiving is over now. I hope you enjoyed yourself yesterday? Mom FaceTimed me while trying to watch the parade: she couldn’t get NBC to connect, so she had to watch YouTube livestreams, which are not as good. Apparently there are boring floats nobody cares about that they skip over on TV. My cold’s gotten better since yesterday, but I’m still going to rest today.

I went to a friend’s birthday party on Monday to a place called Wetherspoons. It’s apparently an English staple. I had a very hard time pinning down the vibe, since it had dark hardwood and decor like a nice restaurant, but had rowdy people drinking like at a bar (given that pubs are generally restaurants and bars slapped together, this might be normal?). The food was alright. A word of advice from Mom is never to drink schnapps: apparently it’s bad alcohol, but I couldn’t tell when I had a drink with it (peach rosé: not as Snapple-like as I’d hoped), because all alcohol tastes bad to me. I don’t care much for drinking, since I like keeping my head on straight, but I guess it was interesting. Overall, fine restaurant. Is this anthropologically interesting at all?

Also, London was pretty nice. I went to a cookie/chocolate store called Fortnum and Mason’s and got Christmas presents there. They had cookie tins with music boxes inside. But two chocolate bars mysteriously disappeared from the bag (this happened again today to a cucumber. Perhaps I am cursed). Then I went to Harrod’s and did the same thing again to their chocolate place. I passed by some tourist places I wanted to see, like the statue of the leader of my favorite arctic expedition (Franklin) (someone hid a pound coin in the relief sculpture on the monument, and I left it. I wonder how long it had been there?). On the way I met a very nice Irish grandpa and helped him with directions — he was very sweet. The people were especially nice that day. I’d send pictures of touristing, but the photos app is mad at me.

I suppose that’s all the big stuff to tell. I am tired and ready to go home. I’m feeling very self-centered now, but I hope the anthropology is interesting enough. The English are, strange. Don’t move here. Move to Ireland. I love you.

With love,

Alice

It is time once more. There is no pumpkin pie in England, so I will have some when I go home. You’re likely still asleep now, so the holiday hasn’t technically started: I hope it’s nice today. I always like sitting down in the morning to watch the parade with pumpkin pie. This year I’ve caught some sort of cold and I’m sitting at my place sucking on caramels. I hope you have some fun today. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How are you? Is all going okay? I saw this charming unidentifiable bird on Wednesday and love it to death. The best thing about going abroad is the animals you haven’t seen before.

I finished two essays and submitted them yesterday, but the psychosomatica of it all hasn’t left me yet. I’ve been feeling fairly sick. Does this happen to you? I tend to have a stomach ache the whole school year these days. I also saw a fox on Sunday:

I can’t believe I thought of the bird before the fox. I thought it was a strange cat until it came into the light. I’ve only seen one other in England, strangely enough, in broad daylight at a park. I must’ve mentioned it last year.

I’m going into London tomorrow to buy Christmas presents and look around. Mom really likes this raspberry white chocolate from Harrod’s. We hide it from Aaron because he eats it too quickly. I’ll tell you more afterwards (I am paranoid on the internet) and let you know where I went. I might not stop everywhere I want, but that just means I can go again. London is big, and I am scared of figuring out how their subway works. Every time I use it, I just follow other people who know where we’re going. I’m okay at the trains, though (though sometimes they’re not okay with me).

I watched the first two episodes of Interview With the Vampire with a friend today. I think I will never recover. Do you ever see somebody being better at your hobbies (read, historical writing) and want death a little? Speaking of, I’ll tell you a secret I hid as a child: I actually liked Twilight. I still like Twilight.

Anyway, I’m trying to be fairly positive today. I am terrified at all turns. But the worst is never the worst. I do not think you feel the same at home — please keep the tentative thread that I am here if you need me. I know you’re afraid of me, or were. I’ve been terrified for years that Mom (Jess) would abandon me because Mom (Mel) did. Who could love me if my mom didn’t? That tightrope is worse for you. If nobody else is, I am here.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? I attempted to make buckeyes, but the peanut butter I bought here is very liquidy, so they melted together into a big buckeye pancake. And the chocolate chips crumpled together instead of melted. Could taste worse though.

This week has mostly been essay-centric. I went and studied at a friends house on Saturday, and she made this fantastic pasta Alfredo that I’ve been seeing in my dreams ever since. We watched a movie called Firebrand about Catherine Parr. Apparently Rotten Tomatoes doesn’t like it, but I thought it was very suspenseful.

Yesterday I saw a cat outside my dorm. It didn’t let me pet it, but I was delighted regardless. Brits are much more okay with outside cats than we are, so I think this was just someone’s pet.

The longer I go without seeing the cats, the more erratic I become. This was the highlight of the whole week.

Aside from this, not much else. I hope you’re enjoying school— I’m liking the coursework more than last year. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Well. Well. I’m sure you’ve heard the news. I hope you’re doing alright. I’m not feeling optimistic right now. You know, in the summer of 2016, when Mom and I were at the cabin, I remember being in the car one day and asking Mom who Donald Trump was. She said that he was just some idiot who thinks he’s gonna be president but never will. What a world we lived in…

I’ve been in a dreadful brain fog the past week. I can barely do my work. Apparently on Wednesday Aaron went and performed a funeral march while walking through town. Very whimsical form of mourning. Also, on the good side, Mom and Aaron got in the local newspaper for their Halloween costumes. The culmination of Mom’s two months of work. She’s delighted.

We’ll survive. We survived last time. We’re from rock-solid blue states. I love you.

With love,

Alice

This is November, this is November, November, November? I hope Halloween was fun yesterday night. What did you do? Something cool?

This last week has been more studying per usual. I’ve fallen into another Stardew Valley hole which I shall eventually emerge from sick with the game. I bought Mom a birthday present today, but I don’t know how much she’s on here, so it must stay a secret. I buy hers early since I’m at school in February. As for Christmas, she wants British kitsch. There’s lots of it around: I know somebody who only has plates/bowls/mugs of princess Diana. One of those would be perfect. (In fact, when Great Grandma passed, I got a book mark of hers commemorating princess Diana and prince Charles’ wedding. It’s the funniest thing I own).

Also, a friend watched my succulent over the summer and gave it back to me. I then left it in one of the campus bathrooms on accident. Since then, the succulent has disappeared. I wonder if I left him somewhere else or if someone has stolen him. The bathroom sink had a bit of dirt on it… I felt like a detective seeing that. I suppose somebody grabbed him, but I am not too sad, since I was scared that I’d have to cut him up since he’s getting too big for his pot, and I’m not sure if that would have killed him? Either way, that was a bit of a murder mystery adventure I had last Saturday.

Mom sent lots of pictures from Halloween back home after I wrote to you yesterday. It was much more familiar! Almost everybody was in costume, and there were lots of fun ones. Someone was a traffic cone. It makes me miss home. I hope that I do well enough to enjoy it after graduation. I suppose that is all for now. The Twix I found on the ground yesterday hasn’t killed me yet. I hope you’re doing well and are as alright as you can make it.

With love,

Alice

🎵This is Halloween! This Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!🎵 What are you doing today? It’s still early there so I imagine you’re getting to it right about now!

I was Tintin (again, I know, I got a nice pair of historical-reproduction knickerbockers for my birthday so I couldn’t resist). Here’s a picture — I wish I had someone else to take better photos, lol.

So all these years later, I continue to plague the family with Tintin. Almost nobody outside was wearing costumes until very late, for adult Halloween parties, perhaps? But I hear there’s a small level of trick or treating happening. I found a wrapped Twix on the ground walking to my dorm: the Halloween spirits showing their love. How long did you manage to stretch trick or treating? I miss it desperately.

Today I went to a little get-together a friend hosted. We had something British people call a ‘chip-butty’: French fry sandwiches, with optional butter and ketchup. It reminded me of making impromptu microwave cheese sandwiches at midnight.

The last time we went trick or treating together, the only part I remember is what Mom (Mel) was wearing, a Hawaiian shirt. I don’t remember what either of us wore. It is times like these I wish I kept a diary longer than I did. England is very suitable for Halloween (old buildings, old bricks, bleak weather), but there is nothing so pleasant as the colorful Halloweens back home. We had trick or treating down to a science. I miss it a lot.

I hope your night is wonderfully scary. Being chronically melancholic, I did not get as festive as I ought to. A good time to remember that the colorfully macabre Halloween spirit can last as long as you please.

With love,

Alice

How are you? It’s almost Halloween, are you excited? Are you going to dress up? I’m going as Tintin (again). I brought my tan coat all the way over here and lost some storage space, haha, but I’ll bring it all back for winter break.

I’ve spent most of the week studying and doing class work. I went to do some work at a pancake place yesterday and they gave me some free ones they had as leftovers, which was very nice. Last night a friend and I made a little gift basket for another friend (the school added more to her schedule — it freaked her out) and after giving it to her we had a sleepover, which was rather nice. I’ve also discovered but not tried a few British Ben n Jerry’s flavors that don’t exist back home: banoffee pie, and honey lemon. Very mysterious.

British people are very weird about Americans. I won’t complain much but I suppose I wouldn’t recommend going to school in the lower half of England. People like to tell me made up facts about America sometimes like it’s real, like a guy who told me our cars aren’t made to turn, and that anti-vaxxers are common. I don’t know if post-pandemic Oregon is the same, but you’d get scalped in Washington for being an anti-vaxxer, even in hippie circles.

Today my friend gave me back my succulent, Cicero. I have since left him in a cafe on accident after walking around all day. I will have to check back tomorrow. If somebody steals him, I will not worry too much, because my friend ignored him all summer and he thrived. My poor lonesome boy.

I love you dearly. I hope you’re alright. I heard some strange animal screaming yesterday — I’m always here for you, unless the creature gets me.

With love,

Alice

Good morning, how are you doing? I’m doing alright over here. Classes are going fine. Is school okay? Today we had to leave the building for a few minutes because of a fire drill — you’d think somebody would plan around this, but it was a little fun. I’ve been rather enjoying the classes, but the assignments are a little stressful — it’s been a hot minute since I’ve written any essays. I’ve been spending lots of time in coffee shops trying to get into the homework mindset. Isn’t it weird how adults can just go places without permission or telling anyone? You too will discover the mysterious sensation of going somewhere alone and unrecorded a year from now. If you’re as worried as I was, don’t be, the worry passes by. And you can always hide in your dorm when needed.

I’m going to a book sale today with one of my friends. Meandering around fun places is one of the benefits of screwing around unsupervised. I also wandered into one of the campus buildings where a cat lives:

To counteract everything I’ve said, it’s been fairly uneventful this week. I got on a bus that went around the block in circles for five minutes before continuing on its normal route and felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. But anyway, regardless of the nothingness of this, take my love and ignore everything else. It’s what behind the boringness. I have to run now — I love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy October 11th! Not an official holiday, but basically so. October 11’s the day we estimate Pearl’s birthday to be (knowing only that it was in October of 2017) as a reference to Parent Trap. How are you doing? How’s the Fall going? It was finally cold enough to wear my wool coat this morning — at the expense of it being cold.

This week’s been fairly uneventful. I watched “Elvira: Mistress of the Dark’ a few days ago and absolutely loved it. 10/10 recommended. I also saw some lemonade at the local grocery store that was transparent like slightly yellow water. Mysterious. I went to clay sculpture-making at my school’s art club and made a few tiny cats. I fear for their safety on the coming flight.

It was a very chill atmosphere while molding clay. I rather liked it.

There was aurora borealis last night, and I was able to get some pictures. You couldn’t really see it with the naked eye, but using phone-camera three second exposure helped a lot.

Mom was very excited about the northern lights. I was almost too tired to go out, but she really wanted to see them. As someone who’s not as insanely into them as her, it’s sad she doesn’t get to see them from planes as much as I do. She’s doing well, by the way: she’s been spending the past month going really ham on her Halloween costume, a sort of forest-fairy-witch. I’ll ask her if I can show you pictures on Halloween (she’s always a bit nervous about Mom coming over to kill us).

So that’s what’s been going on here. I can’t promise greater excitement next week, since most of my day-to-day now is stressing over essays and walking to and from the grocery store. I miss you a lot. I hope you’re enjoying the beautiful consumerist-American Halloween October. I love the beautiful consumerist-American Halloween October.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? I’ve bought two coffees today and I’m trembling weirdly. I don’t recommend doing this. It’s making typing a little hard. Maybe just one coffee.

Classes started this week. They’re going pretty well so far, although there’s a lot of confusion about when things are due, that Mom professor-ly says we should’ve known back in April. In my archaeology class, the professor brought in artifacts for us to analyze, which was super super fun. Did you know baby rattles existed 2000 years ago? Knowing that is so cute.

I went to the petting zoo a few days ago with a few friends (One of them is another American from Rhode Island; I think we should steal the adjective “wicked” from them). It was super cute. I pet a pig for the first time. They have the general consistency of hay.

It’s been fairly busy here, but at least it hasn’t been as stressful as it could’ve been. I’ve been spending a lot of my free time sitting in coffee shops. It keeps the isolation demons away.

I read this a few days and thought of you. When Lyla died a few years ago, Mom freaked out seeing an article because she didn’t know if it was you and she couldn’t read it without paying. She paid. Sometimes I think that if you died it would take months for me to find out. You might be dead right now and I won’t know until someone makes you a memorial at your school and Mom stumbles upon an article about it. If I died, you would only know if you went looking for us. If I’d died eight years ago, and this website didn’t exist, you might’ve never found out. It’s quite the thing to think of. I haven’t known how you’re doing in a very long time. At least, if you’re reading this, you know how I’m doing.

I will sign off now and go eat lunch. Know that everything is uneventful over here and will hopefully stay that way. By the way, did you see that Christmas and the first night of Hanukkah are the same day this year? I think that’s lots of fun.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? Are you excited for Halloween season? I have survived my flight. Jet lag, however, is a different story. I managed to sleep for some of the plane, and it overall felt relatively short. The place I’m staying at now is pretty nice (no roommate, my own bathroom), although it’s a little far from the grocery store and school. Classes haven’t started yet; mine won’t start until October first (absolutely insane!). The walk to the grocery store takes you through an obscure woods path and then through a large field, and that field is fairly waterlogged. And then there’s one big puddle you can’t sidestep that I’m sure will give me cholera someday.

I tried to get photos of the northern lights, but there weren’t any this time.

I hope you’re doing alright. I wish I had much more to talk about. Perhaps I will next week. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Welcome back to the Thursday paradigm shift. I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve got a pit in my stomach about leaving tomorrow, but I’ll be fine. I’ve been listening to a podcast called Alice Isn’t Dead, and one of its quotes has soothed me. It went something like, “Fear is as common as hunger.” The protagonist is always traveling with external threats following her. I feel kinship.

Mom and I watched a documentary tonight. It’s called ‘Into the Fire: The Lost Daughter’, about a mother trying to catch her daughter’s adoptive father for the daughter’s murder. I found something very resonant in it, even if at times it’s not directly relatable in the sense that we experienced the events as described. Anger, fear, desolation, an unknowable dark hall of secrets. I can hear Mom recounting it too Aaron upstairs now. It got her talking a bit about Mom (Mel). She said she thinks the wives of serial killers always know deep down that something is wrong; and, she did not sense anything was wrong with Mom until she had you. I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t remember being 1 1/2. I doubt you could confirm or deny it. But I always want to know more about Mom, and if you are like me that way, maybe it will tell you something. You have more information than either Mom (Jess) and I. But you cannot trust us. So I suppose. I envy the objective truth that exists but isn’t knowable.

I don’t know where this is going. Aaron’s put on New Girl; that always throws my brain out the window. I love you. In terms of fun things, here’s some news: after I wrote last Friday, one of the neighbor’s chickens got stuck in our backyard somehow, and I watched Mom and Aaron try to herd her around with pizza boxes until Aaron got her over the fence again. It was very fun.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? It’s getting cold here now. I’m realizing now I forgot to tell you about the bicycle event we have here every year. Omg. Mom made a giant paper mache head and tail of a cat and mouse and attached them to her and Aaron’s bikes. There’s a sort of parade in town where people decorate their bikes to look insane and then go around the block a few times. Here are some pictures. I did not get very good ones.

It was pretty fun. Some guy built a giant dome around his bicycle that held up the whole parade. I’m not sure if it counted as a bicycle anymore.

It seems everyone is getting prepared for Halloween now. There’s already candy in the stores. I bought a bag of butterfingers to eat every time I finish a paper at school (they don’t have them in England). Speaking of, my flight is next Friday, so I’ll write to you on Thursday. I’m going to miss summer. I don’t like being away from home. But I’ve been feeling that for many years now, so it’s been tolerable.

Life, besides this, is uneventful. Encroaching anxiety about school is there, but typical. I hope you’re doing alright. I imagine school’s already started, because American schools aren’t as weird. I hope you’re settling in fine. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Pearl’s sitting on me right now, so I’m typing with just one hand. How are you doing? Has school started yet?

Mom and Aaron went to a strange hippie festival for a few days, so I watched the pets for a little bit. Nudity and circus performances were involved. Mom did not like it. I had a fun time making pasta for myself, but I’m sad that was a few less days with her since I’m off again soon. I’m starting to have preemptive school-worry stomach aches again. Man.

I don’t have much else to talk about. Stressed about a few things, chill about a few things. I hope you’re doing okay. After I’ve flown off again, I’ll send you pictures. For now, enjoy the last bits of summer.

With love,

Alice

P. S. I took this picture of Achilles a few days ago. Look at him: he’s adorable.

Almost the end of August — it went by so fast… How’s it going? The sleep over with Emily went alright — though my bus came late and I accidentally got on a different bus instead. Mom had to grab me. There goes the point of taking the bus… We binged TV, went to a local festival near her place (I sort of regret not buying a rose-shaped candle), and went mini-golfing. I don’t think I’ve been mini-golfing since pre-trauma days. It was pretty fun. Nothing like the harmless family fun of punting a tiny ball off-course and into the rocks. It reminded me a lot of Roaring Rapids and Putter’s Pizza — the latter i remember little of the golfing, because of the awesome playground, but still — and it made me rather nostalgic. Now that I think about it, the last time I’d been golfing before that was probably with you at one of those places. I wonder if you’ve been since? I also got lots of snacks — and a really good ice cream that was mango-lemonade flavored with flakes of white chocolate. Practically engineered for me. I also failed so stupidly at Clue: I’ll provide no details but the fact of my shame.

As summer slowly closes, I do wonder how you spent it. I hope you had some nice times. I hope fall is kind to us both. Consider this: we are finally going into Halloween territory!

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? I hope everything’s going alright. There was a big thunderstorm here a few days ago – coming down from Canada – and it was very loud with thunder and rain. I think we’ve needed a rain, but now it is getting steadily colder, and it seems our short summer is starting to end. Did it go south to you back home? Do you feel the change too?

I’m writing this on Thursday since I’m going to a sleepover tomorrow. Technically I’m having a different one now, but it’s bedtime. We did lots of chalk art with another friend for a few hours and went around town. We’re also playing Minecraft together. Perhaps I’ve mentioned this before, but one of my strongest wishes as an eleven-year-old, after I lost all my friends, was to have someone to play Minecraft with. It feels good.

I have also started writing again. It’s a tentative start since I finished my last story in Novemberish, but it’s still a start. It feels wrong to not be writing at all. Mom is making another mouse-shaped lantern. She also wants to make a cat-shaped one. When it comes to art, she always comes back to rodents. I quite like it.

I hope you’re alright. As always. The broken record repeats its love. There’s little else to say most of the time.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? Emily came over soon after I wrote to you. We went to a lantern festival that night. Both Mom and Aaron made lanterns for it. It was very hippie, but it’s always nice to walk around. The next day, we both went into town and meandered around the different shops. There are candles to smell everywhere if you look for them.

I’ve attempted to send a letter to Mom (Mel) asking for college support through the Oregon-child-care-nightmare-system. I sent it while Mom was working. I wrote our return address on the letter (since I thought you have to do that) and she freaked out since she thinks Mom might come try to kill us or something. I feel really, really bad. Apparently it might not go through anyway since it was a small envelope and I put too much paper in it. Enclosed (aside from documents) are a letter to Mom and two portraits for you, the ones I made for your fifteenth and sixteenth birthdays. So that’s a whole thing now, too. Things are mostly back to normal, but I feel really guilty. I did not think Mom would try to kill us; I thought that the whole point was that she wanted nothing to do with us. I hope if you’re reading this, you’re thinking to yourself, ‘probably not’. You know her better than I do. All I was trying to do was help out and not bother Mom much with it. It feels awful. I suppose Mom might ignore the letter altogether. I’m trying to work it out.

On better things, one of my friends came over yesterday and we did some chalk art. The cats were having Supervised Outdoor Time, and Paris rolled around on the chalk. Look how cute he is.

I love you. Know that I’m always trying my best for us even when I’m fumbling like I did a few days ago. I want to always be somewhere safe for you.

With love,

Alice

How’s it hanging as August marches on? I got sick around Sunday, but I’m mostly fine now, just a cold. I spent a few days sitting in bed and doing nothing. What have you been up to? Anything fun?

My friend Emily (our technically-half-sister) is coming over for a sleepover today. Next weekend I’ll go over to her house. There’s something called the lantern festival that we’ll be going to tonight — there are a lot of things like that on Vashon that I think you’d like. Just town get-togethers for people to walk around and talk.

By the way, I think Olympic gymnastics ended over the weekend? What did you think? I think they did that one girl on beam a little dirty, since she was the only one who didn’t fall off and she got bronze. I wonder if you were watching too and what you were thinking. Imagine if we were little now — the Simone Biles Netflix show would be our Gabby Douglas movie.

Again, and as it often is, I haven’t much to talk about this time around. I’m just here so you know I’m here. I love you. I’ll tell you about the festival this coming Friday — Mom made a mouse-shaped lantern.

With love,

Alice

Welcome back to my YouTube channel. How are you doing this Friday? I’m doing alright, I’m on break at work as I write this. I’ve been listening to my Thucydides audiobook the whole time. This week has mostly been work, but I did have a sleepover a few days ago and got to bop around town with the same friend yesterday. What have you been up to?

I can’t believe it’s August already. I don’t wanna go back to school yet. At least that just means I’m closer to graduating. And the next winter break. Aaron paid for my dorm a few days ago. I bought him donuts, but he did not care for them too much. I’ll find a treat he likes, darnit. When do you start school again? Back in Phoenix, one of Laura’s students started last Monday, poor boy… At least there’s still a whole month left.

Aside from this, not much is going on. My ear mysteriously today, which I hope isn’t an evil portend. Even if I am not very interesting this week, I love you, and I hope you’re alright. As alright as can be.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! How’s it going? It’s finally cooling down here. Mom and I went to the strawberry festival on the weekend, a thing that happens on Vashon every July. Aaron was in it wearing a fish mask, looking humorously Innsmouth-y. People were handing out candy and not throwing it so I was able to get some without feeling guilty for stealing from scrambling children. My friend bought a brick-sized and brick-shaped thing of curly fries. It was lots of fun, though still hot out. I got some taffy and lollipops. Remember that one parade we went to when we were little? You might not, I don’t remember when or where it was. But I remember getting the unbranded hard strawberry candies in the strawberry wrapper. Aren’t those mysterious? Last time I was in Scottsdale, Laura took me to a place that sells them in a giant jar. It felt like finding the holy grail. I wish anybody knew what they are.

My friend (the same who bought curly fries) came over on Tuesday for a sleepover, and the cats are becoming very friendly toward them. It feels miraculous that Achilles might sit comfortably in the same room as a stranger. Fang was scared of us for so long. I slept at their house last night, and they’ll be at mine tonight. It’s been fun. Even between our work schedules. We went on a hiking trail I’d never seen before. Going out into the woods always reminds me of Government Camp and the last summer years ago. The roots feel the same but everything else is gone. To think it’s been so long now.

We’re waiting in line for the ferry back while I write this. I’ll post it once I have wifi again. I opened the car door and we have a nice breeze in here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you’re here with me.

With love,

Alice

Can’t believe we’re already in the middle of July. How are you doing? Mom and Aaron were in Pennsylvania these past few weeks and got back on Sunday. I didn’t mention this because I am anxious about projecting “I’m a girl all by myself in a house, and thus easier to murder” to the internet. Anyway, they had a lot of fun: apparently they have lots of groundhogs, bunnies, fireflies, Amish people, and Trump supporters over there. They stole a 50-pound beach rock of sentimental value to Aaron. Personally, I’m tired of travel, so I don’t regret not going. I spent most of my time working and hanging out. I picked from the cherry tree and there were 1000000 even though I was too scared to use the ladder. Does our neighbor (I’ve forgotten her name, the one who was allergic to apples) still let kids pick from her apple tree? It’s very nice to have fruit just right there for you.

I went to Pride in Tacoma on Saturday with one of my friends, and it was lots of fun, if a bit consumerist this year. A guy came with the exact same specific ‘you’re gonna burn in hell’ sign as last year, so I’m suspecting it’s a family business. The same guy dressed as Jesus was following him around, which was also fun. We got lots of trinkets and free candy before going back to my place for a sleepover. It was lots of fun. Eugene must have a pride event, have you been to any? Highly recommended, they have such friendly atmospheres. And free candy. It’s like Halloween for us old people.

Aside from this, not much else is up. Paris and Achilles are so used to my friend being over now, very good for their limited social development. I have been very low on energy of late and making little art, a poor sign for mental health. Mom says I finally need to develop a caffeine habit. It’s in consideration.

Oh, yeah, by the way, the assassination attempt. I’m just surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I heard about it at pride but my data was so bad I couldn’t read anything about it, which made for a weird mood. It did feel appropriate at pride though. The last time I saw you, I didn’t know who Donald Trump was. I suppose you didn’t either. When I learned, it was the same summer you were kidnapped: I was in the car with Mom and asked who he was, and she said he was ‘a rich idiot who thinks he’s going to be president but never will’. Hopeful times…

I miss you. I suppose it’s redundant to say. I turn my sorrow over like a rock and find a hundred new angles to feel it from over time. There’s little else to do with the passing years.

Happy mid-July! We’ve been suffering through the heatwave over here. Has it hit you hard? It was 93 out a few days ago, and I almost died at work. A few coworkers and I spent a few minutes dead in front of a giant fan. Are you keeping out of the sun well enough? A few people have come close to heatstroke around here, and the chickens stopped laying eggs for a few days. If ever there was a time to restart our old lemonade stand, it would be now.

I’ve been doing okay. Not much is going on besides the heatwave. I’ve mostly been trying to relax between workdays. Something exciting has been happening, but I’ll tell you about it after it’s done. I’m going to a pride event tomorrow, which should be fun. I also went inside a local corner store for the first time, and saw this.

I suppose that’s all I have the energy to write now. I just got off work, so I’m sleepy. I love you, Soren. No matter how many years away you are.

With love,

Alice

Happy post-4th of July! I heard some fireworks this morning. When will it end? How are you doing? I hope you had fun last night. As I said, I watched the cats. They were not hiding, but they were on edge. My metal water bottle tipped onto a plate (making a more moderate noise than that sounds like), and they all went flying, including a young buck eating leaves outside. I almost let them sleep in my room, but then the boys started fighting, and I thought if they were alright enough to remember their interpersonal conflicts, then I didn’t need to risk Paris knocking everything on my shelves over.

Besides that, it’s same old, same old over here. Nothing much has happened besides what I talked about yesterday. I hope everything’s alright over there. I know it isn’t, but, whatever you can make alright is good. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing this holiday? This year, I have a new perspective. It doesn’t involve patriotism but instead jumping up and down and thanking the gods that we are not British. Do you have any plans this year? Mine is mostly to comfort the cats and eat bomb pops. The fireworks probably won’t bother them much, but Achilles is skittish, and hanging out like normal will probably help them see that everything’s normal.

In the spirit of the holiday, here’s one of my favorite pictures I’ve ever taken, at a firework show a few years ago. I probably won’t go out today, but it was fun.

I was reminded a few days ago that we were in the zone of ‘today maybe could be the 8th anniversary of losing everything’, and now that we’re at the end of that (since I know we were at the cabin by July 4th), here’s something I’ve been waiting for since it had been about two or three years.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee-KXn81UMA

It’s finally time! In the absence of a happy ending, we get time-appropriate song lyrics. This song reminds me more of Mom (Mel) than of you, and has for a long time.

Mom (Jess) got mad at me recently for trying to tell her not to refer to Aaron as my dad (an uphill battle since I was twelve and we met the guy), and she thinks I’m being childish and it’s my trauma’s fault. She said something to the effect of, kids who get abandoned by their dads don’t feel bad this long, and nobody’s as insistent as you. I’m just kind of sick of other people trying to tell me who my parents are. I don’t want to be lenient on something as personal as that. You and I have had people trying to define what our families are since 2016. I think we should get to define our families for ourselves. Maybe that is trauma — but man, I don’t think any abnormalities that come out of it are necessarily worse. We have lived very different lives than most people. We don’t have to be normal. It just feels so easy to not call me his daughter… Mom thinks that’s disrespectful. She wants to put me in grief counseling to change my mind. I’m just going to try to not mention it, like when she wants to talk about trendy thirteen year olds having a transgender phase. Sigh.

This got away from me. I think the point is, no matter how long it’s been, I know my family is back in Eugene and Florida, even if it doesn’t want me. You can rest assured that I’ll never replace Mom (Mel) or you with anybody. My family has not changed since I left Eugene with Mom eight years ago.

With love,

Alice

P.S Did you hear that cousin Charles and his wife had a baby on my birthday?

Happy Friday! How are you doing? Last Saturday was the lowest tide of the year here. We went to the lighthouse (they had some presentations and signs identifying sea critters and stuff), and we got to go inside. Not to the tip of lighthouse though, which is what everybody was probably in the lighthouse for. We went to the beach the next day while it was still low-tide, and you could walk out very far beyond where the water typically starts.

We also saw the dead whale that’s been on the beach for a few months, which I won’t send a picture of, since I started feeling weird about sharing photos of corpses. Apparently it’s illegal to steal his bones now, even if there’s no official bureaucracy to remove him, which feels a little unfair. Apparently a local museum is gonna take his bones and hang him up once he’s fully decayed. Mom is feeling weird about the ethics of displaying animal corpses, since it’s bad when you display human ones. Also, I learned she owned a human skull she took from her high school theater department and which Grandma buried in the backyard when she went to college, which, I have no words for. My Dutch friend also had a human skull in their room. Where are all these skulls coming from??? Who are these people?? That said, I’d love to be a skull decoration in a friend’s house or something. To look cool and hang out forever.

Also, the summer camp I work at has been theming the dining hall on Halloween, and there’s a fake skeleton playing the piano. There’s been a lot of business to do with corpses of late. Aside from that, I’ve been doing little but lounging and work. What have you been up to? Are you enjoying the sunshine? I hope you are. The Fourth of July comes before next Friday, so I’ll write to you then. Farewell, June. It was good to me. I hope yours was as well.

With love,

Alice

Friday once more! Very little has happened since my birthday, but I’ll always jump in to say hi anyway. How are you doing? I’m doing summer work again, which has been going fine. Mom’s getting me new work shoes since I’m getting blisters.

Mom brought out a bunch of old paper to look for something, and I found out she used to print out JSTOR articles and read them for fun back in the 2000s. There were lots about Harry Potter and it being faux-feminist. It was a vastly entertaining hour.

I suppose that’s all for now. I miss you a lot. Mom got us some very good Swiss chocolate. It’s called Läderach. I highly recommend.

With love,

Alice

I forgot to write until far too late. I’m sorry. Happy midnight. Everything went pretty well today: Grandma got me a gift card, and Mom got me some clothes and a book. Then we ordered pizza from a new place (the usual place is closed on Tuesdays, astoundingly), and the pizza was fairly bad, but that was fine. No cake this year, but this instead:

I spent the afternoon reading the book outside. The book is called ‘May We Be Spared to Meet on Earth’ It was pretty nice out today. Laura, Grandma, and Aunt Karen also called. Grandma, Aunt Karen, Aunt Linda, and Uncle Terry might go on vacation in Liverpool this fall or spring. They want to see where the Beatles were hanging out. Since Aunt Linda can’t fly (some medical reason), they’ll probably go on a boat.

I’m not very articulate today, per usual. To talk about the tragic cycle of missing holidays and holiday would feel like treading around the same circle again. But it’s the circle we’re stuck on. Last time I was in Ohio, in 2019, I had a sort of Lovecraftian vision of walking the infinite flat topography until I tracked blood behind me. That’s what time feels like these days. We come around again, to another missed birthday, where you don’t give me socks and I don’t laughingly admonish you for giving me socks, and I don’t give you a hasty watercolor of a violin that you put in your closet forever. And there’s blood all over the carpet.

Here is me lounging this afternoon with the evil men in the backyard. My favorite genre of photo is ‘pet in the backyard’ since it feels very cheerful.

They started making weird noises at me, so I started imitating the noise back. They didn’t like it.

I must sleep now. I miss you everyday. I didn’t kill myself when I was thirteen because I didn’t want to make your life even worse. So every birthday now is dedicated to you.

With love,

Alice

I am back home! And I have slept for a week straight. I got a fever and flying was worse than normal for it. How are you doing? My flight was delayed about four hours so they went more northern than normal to get home faster, so we went up near King William Island. Here are some photos from around there.

After this I have spent most of my time lying around and eating popsicles outside. The pastoral bliss of the backyard never fails to lift my spirits. Except when the roosters are loud.

I have little to say besides that. I hope you’re doing alright. I’m still chronically sleepy. I believe I promised you more intel into the Netherlands activities: here are some pictures. Today is a slideshow.

More exciting than lounging, I’m sure. Today Ethel Cain posted the fan art I gave her on an instagram story!

I’m going to go back into my recovery slumber. I love you. I’ll write to you next on my birthday, a tradition which feels ever self-important. I hope you enjoy the new nice weather.

With love,

Alice

This one will be short since I am very tired. Just got back to England and I’m flying home tomorrow! How are you this week? Is June going well?

I flew to the Netherlands on Saturday and had a fantastic time. I stayed in a small town with a dear old friend, and they showed me around. We saw Ethel Cain in Amsterdam on Tuesday and it was just wonderful. Both my friend and I got to give her art on stage! Before that we went to the Rijksmuseum and saw lots of famous stuff (Rembrandt, Van Gogh, the large crowds in front of Rembrandt and Van Gogh, Goya, etc). It was all so wonderful. I love my friends. We also went to a fun medieval castle. I would send some photos, but they haven’t moved to this device yet, and I don’t remember the WordPress password for my phone. Next week.

I hope you’re doing alright. When was the last time you went on vacation? Now that I think about it, Mom (Mel) never planned the vacations after Disney, it was always Mom (Jess). (Also, now that I think about it, Mom (Mel) should’ve stayed Mama, to avoid this awkward situation. Or perhaps changed to Ma (too Little House on the Prairie?)). While I was there, I spent lots of time with my friend and their sister watching their brother play Bloodborne. Seeing them all spar and have fun recalled something I’ve forgotten. I still don’t remember what it was. I felt lonely. I think we were more vitriolic than they were — but we tend to remember our worst memories best.

I must go make dinner and finish packing. Wish me luck I’m not breaking my dishes. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy almost-June! How are you doing? Is school almost out? I’ve had an alright week. A few days ago I went to this old mansion, Strawberry Hill House, which I based lots of my novel’s settings off of. It was quite gorgeous and felt as though I’d been there many times because of all the research. It has a big field and some trees attached which make it very pretty. There was a heron outside named Horace after Walpole (who lived there) who apparently lives there sometimes.

Afterwards I wandered around this very pretty cemetery for awhile:

That was very nice. It’s still very unusual to just be going to faraway places by myself. Have you felt that? Something I have noticed is that the churches are rarely open, which surprised me, because I thought they were always supposed to be. I got caught in some rain and tried to enter one, but it was closed, alas. English rain can come down much harder, like hose rain. I hid in a mysterious little catholic chapel, not ten feet long. I do like exploration. I would like to go to a random town and just walk around sometime. I’m flying to the Netherlands tomorrow to visit my friend — maybe something like that will happen. Not doing research has, some benefits. Don’t tell Mom I said that. Very bad tourism. I got jumpscared by the cutty sark in Greenwich (ginormous 18th-century ship)

After that day I haven’t done much of note. I’ve gotten all packed, and I’m basically prepared to head back home. I can’t wait. But the news about Boeing scares me. Have you heard about it? Apparently they’re making the planes worse and killing people who tell. I would not like the plane to crash into the Hudson Bay (I’d rather it crash into Lake Superior).

The next time I write, I’ll be back from the Netherlands. I’ll tell you about the interesting things that happen. Tell me something nice that’s happened to you lately. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! How has your week been? I’m glad it’s almost June now. I had a very eventful week: on Saturday, I went to Greenwich to visit the maritime museum’s polar section and enjoyed it very much. Greenwich is very nice, especially as a tourist place: very friendly and easy to explore. There was a giant old sailboat that was also a museum, but I only saw the gift shop, and some giant marble buildings from the naval college.

I reaped the fruits of my budget-asceticism by spending lots on souvenirs. I found a pair of binoculars from the 1890s at a vintage-stuff market. When was the last time you went on vacation? Where did you go? I suppose this doesn’t count as a vacation like going up to Portland for a trampoline gym doesn’t, like we used to do. So I suppose mine was Disney a month ago. A few days later some friends and I made a charcuterie board and had a picnic in the warm weather, which was very nice. Are you able to do something like that yet? Mom keeps telling me it’s too cold back home. She’s been stuck spring-cleaning the moth situation. She deserves her beloved hot sun for that.

Speaking of animal problems, Pearl and Paris have taken to killing mice in the catio and bringing them inside. Aaron found one in bed. Nobody is pleased, but look at them contributing to the household! Sweethearts.

Besides this, I’ve mostly just been socializing and hanging out. I’m going to another town today to shop with somebody. Do you get to hang out with your friends much? Truth be told, I still love sleepovers. I have them with Emily sometimes back home. I wonder if you’ve stopped. Regardless, I’ve run out of time to write. I love you. Please stay safe. Two weeks from now, we’ll be closer to each other again.

With love,

Alice

Did you see the northern lights last week? I didn’t hear about them until after I had written you. Mom saw them very clearly and I could see them well through my phone. I hope it wasn’t too cloudy, as it often is back home. Here are a few pictures:

It was very fun walking around looking for good photos. How has your week been? I hope the aurora borealis excitement has been fun. Aside from this, not too much is going on. I’ve submitted the last of my schoolwork and have little to do before leaving. A friend showed me a place nearby with horses in a big pretty field. Apparently it’s relatively common for horses to have heterochromia, which one of them did.

We went to an event the day before yesterday where we did yoga while puppies ran around. That was also very fun. I’ve been enjoying the surplus of animals. Especially since the cats are so far away. I’m going to a museum in London tomorrow, which I’m pretty excited about. I won’t tell which until next week, when I have pictures, since the internet spooks me. I hope you’re doing alright. In some ways, this is a bit like how it was before Mom kidnapped you. I went traveling with Mom, then told you about it. Just without ever seeing you. At least it feels a little familiar. I wonder if you would want to come on vacations. When you might’ve started coming, if nothing had happened. Perhaps all four of us could’ve gone somewhere, and you wouldn’t have to leave anybody behind.

The moth situation back home is also going better. Mom cleaned out the closets and put moth-killing things in them, like the mouse traps from our storage unit. That is some more good news. It is also sunnier: I spent a day lying outside with some friends in a courtyard and got sunburnt. It was nice. Aside from this, not much is going on. I’ve been using a fun music website (JummBox) to try to make little tunes. I’m not very good at it, I suspect you’d be better. I love you. I hope it is warmer.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! How are you doing? I’m mostly alright. Schoolwork’s under control, and yesterday a friend showed me two fields with horses I never knew about before. They were very sweet and friendly. I’m always glad when there’s animals around, it helps when I miss the cats.

Speaking of, Mom live-texted the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. Did you watch it? Mom quite enjoyed it. I think it’s a little sad how three guys basically tied and the winner was chosen by who stuck out their leg first. Not very meritocratic. A whale washed up on the shore a few weeks ago, and apparently nobody comes to pick it up, so Mom and Aaron went down to look at it a few days ago. Mom said it was beautiful. We’re going to go when I’m back. I’ve been watching lots of Caitlin Doughty lately so I’m not as disturbed by this as I normally would be. However, I do think there should be some government-maritime-disposal-unit to go put the whale back into the sea. It doesn’t feel healthy to let it rot near people’s houses?

More animal news: apparently the weird creatures I’ve been seeing in our house are moths, and we have too many of them. Mom’s been cleaning out the closets. I’ll be a little sad to see them go. They looked too small for moths. Whatever the case, we have moths outside.

Today is feeling like the animal channel. I still wonder how our goldfish is doing sometimes (Puddles, I think). It was so sickly I doubt it’s still here, but the poor thing was holding on in 2016. I hear goldfish can live up to 20 years. I miss you. I hope you have something nice like a goldfish to keep you company.

With love,

Alice

Happy May! How’s it treating you so far? I went back to school on Saturday, and the flight went well. No disasters this time. Here are some nice pictures from the plane:

The flight was very nice, and I did lots of drawing and writing on it. Now I am just here writing my essays. I’ve had very bad jet lag and lived through a few sleepless nights. There was a thunderstorm a few days ago with great flashes of lightning, and torrential movie-rain, which was worse than any I’d ever seen. We rarely get thunder and lightning back home. I don’t remember it ever in Eugene, but maybe that’s just the poor memory. I think we got a bit over winter break and went out to look for it, but didn’t see any, and the cats ran to hide in the basement. Have you had any in Eugene these past few years?

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed here. I feel great pain about you all the time but when I come here I’m more lighthearted. I feel like a windup toy with these letters. There’s a song Sophia and I used to sing on the swings: “Ginger’s turning into a windup toy! Ginger’s turning into a windup toy! Ginger’s turning into a windup toy!” But the pain doesn’t change either. It just gets more vague over time like a bad dream has stalked me across the years. I have no conclusion, just observance. Imagine if we could have a conversation. I sometimes feel like I’m talking to a scratched, misty ambrotype. Who am I talking to? I suspect we understand each other on a more profound level than anyone, for I’ve never seen a single precedent for our situation. But it’s been almost half your life, and I don’t know a thing you like now. Is purple still your favorite color? Taylor Swift your favorite musician? What have you done with the wretchedness of our circumstances? Do they haunt you as well? My first instinct is still to say you’re nine. Perhaps that isn’t wrong: I often feel as though I went into suspension at eleven.

With love,

Alice

How are you this Friday? Mom got back from Mexico last night. She brought back lots of spicy candy and has a nice tan. She says it looks exactly like Phoenix in landscape and was very hot, so it does not sound too unfamiliar. I’m glad they’re back, even though I have to leave tomorrow. Here’s a nice picture Mom took at night:

I spent most of this week by myself, mostly doing chores and watching movies. The chickens and cats are still alive. I had a friend over for a few days for sleepovers, which was very fun. It was very good for the cats as well — Achilles head-butted them, which was the first time he’s done that with an outsider, being scared of everything. The alone time was fairly nice, especially since my cold had time to go away without getting anybody else. How are you enjoying spring? I will miss the flowers from home.

The TV has started showing the same few pictures of us as toddlers when I ignore it awhile. It’s a little uncanny. Here’s one I like a lot.

I suppose that will be all for now. I have been mostly idle. I love you. Even when I am feeling inarticulate.

With love,

Alice

How are you this Friday? I’m feeling a little under the weather (I doubt it’s a cold, but it feels like one), but everything’s going fairly well. Mom and Aaron went to Mexico on Wednesday. They’re staying in a strange little AirBnB, and from the pictures Mom’s sent, it looks like Phoenix with slightly different cacti. I prefer to be here instead. Less heat and sunburns. But they’ve gone to the beach a lot, which sounds nice.

One of my friends recommended a cool music website to me awhile back. I got inspired to try it out again. It’s kind of like GarageBand but adds more computer-y instruments. I made a song about you. I made the main melody while thinking about you and using the piano in the living room. I know nothing about music — Mom’s (Mel’s) probably made you play violin for longer than Mom (Jess) made me play piano (for like, two months in 2018, on the Apex’s 2nd floor kitchen piano).

https://jummb.us/2_0_orig/#j2N05Sorenn310s2k0l00e0tt2nmda7g0tj0ji0r1o4340T1v0eL0OD0Ou01q1d7f7y3z1C1c1A9F3B5V8Q5428P9975E0019T5v0yL0OD0Ou05q1d7f3y1z8C0c0h8H_SRJ6JIBxAAAAkT5v06L0OD0Ou05q0d7f4y1z1C0c0h2HT-SJJJJAzqibAzT4v0pL0OD0Ouf0q1z6666ji8k8k3jSBKSJJAArriiiiii07JCABrzrrrrrrr00YrkqHrsrrrrjr005zrAqzrjzrrqr1jRjrqGGrrzsrsA099ijrABJJJIAzrrtirqrqjqixzsrAjrqjiqaqqysttAJqjikikrizrHtBJJAzArzrIsRCITKSS099ijrAJS____Qg99habbCAYrDzh00b28p1Bct1k6gp1zDiEyNI00000008xA001j5exaw0008wA28aS00000000000000012coNz80000248g000000000000000000000p271DdFDpVCJcY5NhYD1QzLZqCpupsjBWpQ-BcU-xi_9TqAqWhC4O_shRAt979iZCoK8a8SpvAX5jbZcwChWubj5yFB-UzAieUzEalcNomaOBCq-PkODghYqhQAtAzL8WyeAzjefRQ3FZOpQ-CnQFD7Gg2hIrnN1apv4qV5cTsybpCLJTtJjelSBfsPsIIje3SAtcLO5ddapHWznIP5DkChXrr1kOCmaPcnpap7IIjd7pWP4OeppoaCkWNv3qqtAnCLeRKSS2YSbPJdeOaPd7rslAkWp5j5QFBewlPbZEDIOfpx6ChXQNtMKlByKpBXcOaOatC2FyU5cFQ2KpvG4o6p7KMzj8Y0CbK5OIInM3-HChWGFczRFyWxsBcFQyV6WbAFB-LNxbNXMn2KCnUmCCBcU_inQPCSyCtDb096CsTwye3FDjVczOqpWfwqpWe8000000

I hope you like it. I was up very late making it like a mad scientist. Other than that, while everyone’s been fine. I’ve been feeding the chickens and watching movies. Which is what I’m doing normally anyway. Being home is very nice. I’ve been rationing Disneyland treats and the cats are very sweet. I suppose that’s all that’s going on, which is good, since it means nothing bad has happened here, yet. I hope you’re alright. I love you. Forgive me for not having much this week, like many weeks. All I have is the consistent reminder that I have never forgotten you.

With love,

Alice

How are you this Friday? It’s rather sunny this afternoon, which has been nice. We got back from Disneyland yesterday. The day we flew in, we spent most of the day at California Adventure, which is probably more time spent there than since we were little. It’s fun, but as always, not as much as Disneyland proper. We went on Soarin’ Over California twice (they have changed it back from Soarin’ Over the World).

It’s always felt like Your Ride. I can’t go on it without getting a little emotional. I went on Tower of Terror this time (now rebranded to some Marvel thing), and I do not recommend. I think the extended stomach drops are what made me half-sick afterwards.

The next day was nice. We went again with Collin this year, and I don’t think Mom would go without him, because without his disability pass the lines are too miserable to endure these days. They’ve changed up some of the rides (the treehouse is now Swiss Family Robinson themed again, but they added a daughter’s room when it’s three sons in the book?). We spent more time on food this year, and I already desperately miss the cheese-garlic-pretzel and churro toffee. Don’t take this for an advertisement though — I feel desperately guilty about going and not boycotting. What can I say except, Mom just wanted to make me happy. That’s all I can say. Laura was happy to see us too, and I was very happy to hang out with her around the park. When we all got lunch, Mom ordered this fantastic pear lemonade, and we’re going to find a spoof online somewhere.

The plane rides to and from were alright, and nicely short. The latter flight yesterday we were going along the coast, and the captain kept telling us what was below us, but you could only see it on the other side of the plane, and Mom was sorely disappointed. I’m happy to stare at the hills and lakes, at least.

That is all I’ll go into about that. I am still spent from the flight and all the walking. I often think about how little you’ve been on vacation with us, even before you were kidnapped. Everything might’ve been a little funner if you were with us this time. I remembered keenly how much you wanted to go on Soarin’ as a toddler. Here’s one more scene I’ll leave you with: the Mark Twain at night. Mom, Laura, and I were resting a bit before going on a last few rides.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! I am doing better sickness-wise, but I was thoroughly out of commission for awhile. How are you doing? Did you enjoy Easter? Are you enjoying these first days of April? I am liking them very well. It is warmer than England, a few days already like summer, which is worrisome but enjoyable.

I will detail more of my plane adventures now like I promised on Easter, since you might find them entertaining. Have you ever seen the John Mulaney bit about Delta Airlines? You’ll never guess what I was flying. The first c. 7 hours went well until we had to stop in Winnipeg, but we were stuck on the plane there for about four or five hours. When I got off, they told us they didn’t have enough hotel rooms for all of us, so I resigned myself to drinking enough coffee to get through the night, since getting a hotel myself sounded like a hassle. But a mom of a girl about my age asked if I was traveling alone, and I started hanging out with them. They were very nice to me, and the Mom having a working data plan really helped since I was very in the dark. The only WiFi working was Tim Horton’s, which petered out past baggage claim. I slept in baggage claim for a few hours under a casino billboard with a blue rodent on it. After that, there’s not much else to talk about, besides getting some free meal papers and getting back on the plane the next day. I was still sick and had a real bad headache. Getting back was a great relief. The next few days I was exhausted to the point of falling asleep. That is all of my adventures. Canada was very pretty and snowy outside of the windows. I might’ve liked to take a walk outside the airport, but I’d made friends and was very tired.

I watched Lisa Frankenstein a few days ago and loved it. I highly recommend since it is very fun. Perhaps it is more to my taste than yours, however, since it’s like an old Tim Burton movie if Tim himself were a woman. Mom also quite liked it since she was an 80s girl.

We are going to Disneyland on Tuesday. It is another Delta Airlines flight. Mom promises no more after this trip. Pray we do not get stranded in Mt. Shasta territory or crash directly into the Grand Canyon. At least that would be a cool way to go out. You could use that for an amusingly morbid ‘two truths and a lie’ game while my ghost is bragging about it in purgatory. We’re going with Collin, his family, and Laura again this year, which will be very nice. We watched the Star Wars movie with Kylo Ren to understand the rides better, and the funnest part was going “Hey! I’ve been there!”. Otherwise, I thought it was boring. Have you seen any of those movies? I don’t really recommend, except maybe the first one.

This letter is sounding very self-centered today. I suppose that’s not a very bad thing, since you are my sister and I know the hell of not knowing how your sister is doing. I’ve been wondering what you’re up to for nigh on eight years now. I am doing tired, and a bit stressed about schoolwork. That is how I’m usually doing. Tell me how you’re doing someday. My dearest fantasy is listening to a Les Miserables-length memoir of how you’ve been doing since I left seven years and ten months ago. My version would sound like this: the fall of 2016, when I was eleven, we stayed at Laura’s in Phoenix and I wrote stories about the dead children from FNaF to express how my pre-trauma life had died. I missed you and Mom like a trapped ghost on earth misses life. In the new year of 2017, we stayed at the tiny house in Eugene (near Prince Puckler’s) and I wandered those neighborhoods stealing trinkets from people’s backwards and listening to nightcores about how my life was dark and bad now. I self-diagnosed myself with anxiety and was wrong (it was a panic disorder). The summer of 2017, I turned twelve and had to be on lots of TV because of our sperm donor. I despised it but did it because Mom said it would let us tell people about you. I thought about Undertale a lot and hated the loud, crowded city. Etc. Things like that. But Les Miserable length, if my memory problems could afford that.

I will sign off today. I miss you. Tell me your memoir sometime.

With love,

Alice

Happy Easter! Have you done anything today? Mom got me a basket and showed it when I got home last night.

I got sick on Friday morning. I’ve taken lots of zophran. Most of the flight was normal until an old woman had a medical emergency and we had to divert to Winnipeg, but then their airport had no engineers to check the engine (required for the plane, other passengers thought it was because of some sort of big hockey game), so we had to stay the night. I met a mom and her daughter (about my age) and hung out with them for the night. I got a small bit of sleep in the airport and got home about 4 yesterday. I am still exhausted now so I will recount more about the adventure this Friday — forgive me, I cannot write much today, for I feel like I’ve been thwacked with a giant mallet. It was rather stressful and did not help my cold.

Mom’s baskets has lots of Reese’s in it. It’s very good. Do you still get stuff for Easter? I’m very grateful. I hope you’re having fun today. I barely remember our Easters. I would have to go on Flickr to learn what happened. I think I’ll look today. For now, more advil.

I love you. I’m sorry for being too sick to do much. Here’s some pictures of the arctic from the plane. It seemed the most sublime place on earth to me. My photos tell me where everything was taken despite being on airplane mode.

With love,

Alice

Happy Thursday! We’re in an alternate universe today. I just finished my last class. How are you doing? To think it was only just Wednesday back home. We are very early this week.

I haven’t done much this week besides more studying and packing. I watched Labyrinth (the David Bowie 80s movie) for the first time yesterday with a friend. It was good, but I think I am too old to be really into it now like I might’ve been at eight. So that’s a new thing, what have you been up to this spring? Has spring break started yet? I suppose so since Easter’s on Sunday? I don’t remember if they schedule spring break around Easter. Probably not since it’s a weekend. I also met a girl from Rhode Island who told me a little about her relatives from the Appalachian’s, and how very haunted those mountains seem.

Also, Mom has bought a life-sized purple horse statue from someone on-island. It has garlands on its head and is hollow inside, broken at the stomach and somewhat desolate looking. I suspect we’re going to use it like a scarecrow to keep raccoons away from the chickens. Did Mom (Mel) ever get chickens again after we lost our six? I suppose I would suspect not, since those chickens were a very sad thing. Poor darlings. Here’s a picture Mom sent of the horse:

If we did not have ghosts before, this seems like a good introductory vessel for ghosts to come through. I miss writing ghost stories lately, I hope break will give me more time and energy. Do you feel the same over the school year?

On Easter, I will have more to tell you about the flight and the holiday. For now, I just have the purple horse. If I do not crash into Greenland, I will see you then. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Good morning! How are you this Friday? It’s only a week now until I fly home — I’ll try to write to you on Thursday, but if I don’t, know I’ll definitely write on Saturday. The airport is like a second living room to me now. I’ve grown to quite like the process. I find that if you can learn to treat the plane like your living room, it makes the process much more comfortable, if you ever need to go on a long flight.

I went to the British Museum again on Wednesday, for another seminar. The seminars themselves aren’t very interesting, but the artifacts certainly are. A friend and I started wandering around a room of Nubian (near ancient Egypt) stuff and stumbled across two different corpses on display. Perhaps I’ve already mentioned this, but I find something so uncomfortable in taking somebody from their grave for tourists to stare at forever. Particularly the Gebelein Man, who is naked, skin intact, and curled up like he’s trying to sleep. Here’s some pictures of funner things:

It’s been getting warmer here. Is it warm down there? I know you’re a few degrees closer to the equator. I wonder if middle or high school have sent you to our natural history museum? I love that place. Besides this, not too much has happened. I watched a fun movie from the 1930s called ‘M’ with a friend last night; very well-made and spooky. Tell me something you’ve liked lately. I would talk more about things you like if I knew them, so until then I will guess at it. I saw some horses and cows on the train to London, very like a normal American road trip. I love those more than anything. I don’t remember how much you did. We were both very used to it. We both liked California, of course. But you liked everyone being together more, and someone’s always left behind on a road trip. You were quite right to think that way, in the end.

I feel like I am rambling now. I have little else to entertain you with this week. I suppose that is all I can do with these letters, now that I suspect nobody who could/would help will ever read them and pity us enough to do something: keep you company while we are far apart. And I ought to be nice company when I can. I wish it did not fall to you to reunite us. I wish we could have saved you right after it happened. I remember in October of 2017 thinking we would get you back in time for Christmas. I’m sorry I couldn’t. The silver lining is that you will do it on your own terms when you have the agency or the will to do so. Until then, I will keep you company here. In this black and white living room.

I sometimes have this fantasy of both of us being dead in some faraway place where no earthly force could separate us again, since that peace of security has been impossible in life. I suppose this place is the closest we have to that. Rest with me here awhile, if you would like to, and perhaps think on what you’d say if we were talking. It is the closest we have to conversation.

With love,

Alice

Friday once more. Happy Ides of March! It’s been awhile since they stabbed Caesar, yay! How are you doing? Grandma sent me a St. Patrick’s Day card a few days ago, which arrived in good time for tomorrow. Happy early St. Patrick’s Day as well! I don’t think it’s an interesting enough holiday to write about, since we’ve never done anything for it, but it is notable enough to mention.

I’m afraid this week hasn’t been very eventful. I’ve mostly been working on assignments again. It’s getting fairly warm, by rainy-place standards, which has been pretty nice.

I suppose I really don’t have anything interesting or new to talk about. What is happening over back home? Are you doing alright crawling out of winter? I hope you’re doing alright. It’s hard to keep alright, sometimes surviving is all you can strive for. I love you.

With love,

Alice

The weekend rolls around again. I suppose literally, since the world is a spinning orb. How are you this week? Something terrifying happened on Sunday: my contact lens got lost under my eyelid. I got it out and realized it had split in half and had to find the other half. Despite being a nightmare I’ve had since I was about 13 expounded by the lens tearing in half, it was not as bad as I feared. An uncomfortable 25 minutes. Naturally, I’ve gone back to my day-nights. No more of the dailies I bought, no thank you. Has anything like that ever happened to you? I suppose you probably have contacts or glasses by now. Hopefully they work better than that did. I learned why my contacts have always bothered my left eye at my exam: scratched cornea. So, with any luck, you’ve probably had an easier time than me. I got a spare pair of glasses, though the way I see through them and move makes me feel like I’m in that topsy-turvy house in Enchanted Forest.

In other news, I went to the British Museum for a seminar on Wednesday. You already know my feelings about Imperialism Central London, but alas, it was fun. I wandered around the Native American section after the lecture. A lot of it is modern, clearly stuff donated by specific guys, but the older stuff makes my blood boil. Like the totem poles. They’re not our culture, but they are our culture, if you understand. They stole from our neighbors, our home. Sigh. At least most of it was modern. They had a very fun and colorful powwow outfit from like 1975. Have you been to the Eugene Natural History Museum in awhile? I haven’t in years — I have very fond memories of it. The world’s oldest shoes! I wonder if it was more ethically sourced? Probably not, but the small local-ness gives me more hope. I went to Harrod’s afterwards to buy some chocolate for Mom and a friend back home. The temptation to eat Mom’s chocolate, overwhelming. It’s hidden atop my suitcase now. It’s this raspberry-blackberry white chocolate that tastes very good.

Tell me something interesting happening, Soren. How are the daffodils in the backyard doing? Has there been a block party in the past year? Has KitKat found an owner? Has anything replaced the Townsend’s or Yogurt Xtreme? How are Grandma and Pappy? I love you. I’ve been watching lots of Buzzfeed Unsolved lately. Perhaps next week I’ll have nothing to do but recount some ghost stories. Would you mind that much? I just feel like entertaining you this week. We can’t be sad every week. I wouldn’t have the energy to write. I love you, have a good weekend.

With love,

Alice

Happy March! Did you enjoy the nebulous half-existing February 29th yesterday? I wonder what children born yesterday will do about their birthdays. I guess they would celebrate their birthday on March 1st for 3/4 years? How very lucky we are to have easy birthdays. I think the luckiest birthdays are twins who are born one before midnight and one after, so they don’t have to share a birthday party. But regardless, we had the good fortune to be born six months and one week apart on the calendar. No ‘presents for both of you’ here. Except for my drawings to you, which I stare at probably more than you, like most artists.

This week has gone fairly uneventfully for me. Nothing but writing and schoolwork. I haven’t had much time to draw, and when I do, I’m too tired. I suppose you must be doing similarly in high school, which is more brutal than college. It’s a miracle anybody does anything else in high school, but perhaps I was just too used to homeschool when I tried. I have missed writing especially lately. There is nothing that makes you feel quite so starved without starving like making nothing at all for awhile. The small solution I’ve neglected was to write short narrative poetry, which is fun because the medium is very like a puzzle, and takes far less time than stories. Perhaps if you have ever suffered similarly, you could try something like that. But I know you’re in rowing — and though Mom always made you do classes you didn’t like, perhaps a productive hobby like that is fulfilling that part of your brain? It keeps you healthy, at least. Heaven knows I need exercise, perhaps Mom should’ve made me do more sports too.

Next week, I have to go to a museum for a seminar, so I will have something more interesting to tell you about next time, if I don’t write a sentence and fall asleep. The museum seminars are always so tiring, because of the train and the walking. But they are fun anyway, because it’s a museum. They have totem poles in the British Museum, which were simultaneously a pleasant reminder of home and enraging. Everything about the British Museum is simultaneously pleasant and enraging. I don’t know what I’d do if offered a job there — would I join a colonial hierarchy I despise to further my career? Would it be burdensome to Mom to not? Damn the English. Don’t ever move here, Soren. If you want to go abroad for college, go to Ireland. They’re nicer there. Their museums won’t cause any moral dilemmas.

This letter has been a bit all over the place. I suppose that comes with not having anything to talk about. I got glasses on Wednesday, and a new prescription a little before, if I mentioned that last week. I won’t be wearing them much, but it’s useful to have them. I feel uncomfortably like Mom (Mel) though. Mom always looked naked without her glasses. I feel masked in mine. Regardless of rambling, I hope you have a good week, better than the last one. You are ever dear to me.

With love,

Alice

Friday rolls around once more. This one feels like it came quickly — good tidings for getting to spring break. How are you doing? How has February fared?

This week is study week, which means we have no classes. I went to stay at a friend’s for one night after she invited me to go to a lecture at her local church about an Antarctic explorer (Tom Crean), which was so so much fun. The temptation to buy all of the lecturer’s books, overwhelming. We were the youngest people there, perhaps the only ones under 50, which feels appropriate. I belong at the old people’s story-time. We had pancakes for breakfast the next morning. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this already, but did you know they call pancakes “American pancakes” in England? To them, normal pancakes are crepes. They use both words, but crepes are pronounced “creps”. A strange new world, this is.

In other news, not much has happened here. I found a mysterious hole in some stairs here, built into them. I can’t crawl in without effort (it’s taller than me) but I might try it sometime. I’ve been overall not that good over here, but I’ve been prescribed some antidepressants, so we’ll see how that goes. My anxiety has been particularly bad and I have trouble sleeping. I’ve bought an energy drink against my better judgment to get to essay-writing today (I’m still scared of that story about the kid who drank eight Red Bulls and died). I have been too tired and busy to draw, which I need to make a necessity. Is your heart braving the winter low-period? At least we’re crawling into spring. I’ve never been more excited for warm weather and summer.

I suppose I’ll be back to writing now. I feel the caffeine in my fingers while I type. I miss you terribly as always. I can’t find something new to say about it now. Will repeating it make it more real or less real? Either way, I miss you. We are nearing eight years now. That, at least, doesn’t feel real.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing this week? I’ve been faring alright; tired, but alright. Lots more daffodils have popped up around here. I’ve mostly just been dragging myself through things. I did not write on Mardi Gras or Valentine’s Day — I didn’t register them as important enough, but I think I’ve written on Valentine’s Day, so I’m sorry if you were waiting for me. Did you do anything fun on either holiday? I miss the Mardi Gras parties at Charlemagne. They call Mardi Gras ‘Pancake Day’ here and served pancakes in the dining hall, which was charming, but not as fun to me.

I went to Brighton last weekend to stay at a friend’s house, which was pretty fun. Her house was Tudor-era and had big fireplaces you could stand in like Harry Potter. Brighton is on the sea right across from Ireland, and apparently has been a tourist spot for centuries, and it had lots of cool museums and shopping stuff. I found another place selling ancient stuff (the first one being by the British Museum. I still wonder where that store’s coffin’s body is) alongside more normal antiques, which was weird. There was a museum with Dali, Picasso, and Angelica Kauffman, which shocked me because I hadn’t looked the place up.

I had another dream about you last night — I suppose I should tell you about every one, but I don’t know why. Perhaps to show you something of what my subconscious is thinking about you. There is not much detail in this one: Mom (Jess) and I were at Mom’s (Mel) house, but it was our house back in Washington. It felt like it was Christmas in 2016 when we went to your house. Mom (Jess) went inside, and Mom (Mel) seemed to take it in stride. All of us and you sat in the living room. I remember talking to you, but I don’t know about what. You were on the stairs away from me, separated. All I really remember is asking Mom, “Why?” and thinking this time I would get a real answer. That’s all.

Sometimes I wonder why I’ve ever sent people to this website, especially if they’re not from Eugene. Why do I tell when it never does anything? But it’s very lonely here, isn’t it. I think of all the kidnapped kids whose families got coverage. I watched lots of documentaries during the summer of 2016, when you were already gone and I didn’t know it yet. Jaycee Lee Dugard, Elizabeth Smart, and the three girls in Cleveland got news stories. But nobody cares about us. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I wish it weren’t up to you now. You shouldn’t have to be brave, and we should’ve gotten to be children.

With love,

Alice

How are you holding up back home? It’s been raining a bit, which has been somewhat refreshing. My memory is shot lately, so I will have to try hard to find something interesting to tell you about. But what have you been doing?

I am going to stay at a friend’s house over the weekend, which should be interesting at the least. We’re going to watch Coraline and go shopping. Her family is related to a famous polar explorer, Ernest Shackleton, which they have some books about and I’ll get to look at (I discovered the guy watching a bunch of YouTube documentaries about the Franklin expedition). So I’m rather excited about that!

Mom’s birthday is coming up. I won’t tell what I got her (in case she reads these, I don’t think she does?), but I got it last December while Christmas shopping, which made the whole course go smoothly (sending packages back and forth is a veritable nightmare). I wonder how you think of her on these days. I wonder what Mom’s said about her — it’s something bad, from what I’ve managed to peek at. Mom said something about you being at kidnapping risk on a fifth grade school trip? If I remember correctly? I don’t know what to think about it. Do you think she kidnapped me? Could that be what Mom said? I hope someday I’ll know everything. I’m not sure I ever will. At least you have everything on this website and the Flickr.

Yesterday I wandered around a grocery store here. Did you know they still sell flip phones? Sometimes it feels like this country is years behind us. At least we have the internet. I miss you. I can’t wait to be slightly closer to you again on spring break.

With love,

Alice

P.S. Francis Crozier ended his letters to James Clark Ross with “Believe me ever yours.” I relate to the sentiment, but I would not rip him off. Take it for truth in the postscript, instead.

Happy Friday! How are you back home? It’s becoming a little warmer here, which is a great relief. I hope the daffodils in our backyard have sprung up, I always liked them. Are you doing well?

I’m just doing as well as I can. I’m tired of late and homesick. I was always more eager to run off than you were, because you wanted the whole family to be together, and I wanted to go off on adventures. But I really was just meant for home and my own place. I don’t think Eugene would accept me as part of its fold anymore. I would always be afraid walking around. But at least there is my town now. It is different but still feels like another home. But there is nothing like the place I lost. I sometimes wonder how Eugene feels to you now. It can’t be the same. Does it feel colder? More secretive? More frightening? Perhaps I’m just projecting. I wish I had a way into your head. You have free reign of mine, at least.

I think someday I will save up my own money and just go back to Eugene to visit old places. I know some are gone now; the Townsend’s has closed since I was last there, I think, in 2019. The ghost of my hometown will stand until I do. Just like how I write to a nine year old every week instead of a seventeen year old. How can I lament that again in a way that will bare it most truthfully? A way to make everyone feel it? I can’t find the perfect aphorism that will make our family, our friends believe me. Or at least the ghosts I remember. Mom, aged 38. All my friends, aged 11. You, aged 9.

I think I am rambling again. I suppose that’s all I have to say this week, just some thinking aloud for you. Take every piece of nonsense to say: I’m here, and the radio is always crackling.

With love,

Alice

How’s it going? I hope the website was not missing too long last week; it can’t have been more than a week, but if you do check this place out, it must have been worrisome.

On Saturday, a friend and I traveled to an ancient Roman site — strangely, it’s not an actual site from Roman Britannia, but some Carthaginian ruins the English picked up and shipped here. To gather lichen and centuries’ worth of rain. If ever there was a reason to repatriate the foreign artifacts in England… It was still rather pretty. We also saw a lake that was frozen, and could walk out a little bit before it became too dangerous. Has the snowstorm hit Eugene? It didn’t hit Vashon, but it’s gotten most of the country; if so, I hope you enjoyed a snow day without any power outages. Grandma told me that there was a lot of ice outside her house and that trees fell over and caused outages — I hope that didn’t happen in your corner of Eugene. She also said crocuses and daffodils were coming up. I really love the Eugene daffodils, the patch in our backyard by the chicken coop. I remember Mom sending me out back to cut some for a vase. Have they come up yet?

I’ve mostly been just trudging along. I hope you’re doing better than me. I fear being repetitive and boring, but there really is not much else to say. I hope you are well — I miss you dearly — I miss our home — ripples echoing around a pond.

With love,

Alice

The website disappeared for a bit! I’m sorry! Mom’s fixed it now. Here’s what I wrote for you yesterday.

How are you doing? I have been thoroughly jetlagged for the whole week. I am very tired now, so I will not speak for long. What’s going well lately?The plane back was alright.

I saw the northern lights again and there were so many, I’ll send a picture. It is very cold here and I have been out a lot and busy. I can’t wait until spring break again — I enjoyed running back to the airport the first time and going home. I’ve also figured out that if you can pretend the plane is your living room, you can make the whole ordeal feel much faster. I painted a lot on the plane, but I haven’t been able to since I got here. I wish I were able to plan better, or else I should study in my room. How is school there? I suppose you have some idea of what to do in college — if so, tell me about it. If not, you’ll find out. Mom (Jess) never liked the idea of us going to U of O. But I wonder if Mom (Mel) would like it better. What do you think?

I suppose not much else is happening. Classes are going well so far. I went to the bubble tea shop on campus for the first time and like it. I am looking forward to going home again and hope it comes quicker this time — it will be shorter than last time. I miss you. I may be less busy next term — if I am, I’m going to go to museums in London and tell you about them, and probably the Netherlands to visit my friend and go to a concert. Sometimes I try to avoid specifics because this is the internet, but I would give you more details after. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! How was your birthday yesterday? I’m flying back to school tomorrow, and it rather creeped up on me. At least I will be there for shorter time than last term. Has school started up for you yet? I suppose it has, Christmas was over two weeks ago.

Little has happened since yesterday — mostly packing and visiting friends. Do you talk to your friends much over breaks? I don’t suppose you use TextPlus (Text+?) anymore (and neither do I), though if you’d like to look there, I wrote to you when I was eleven — I think I posted those messages a long way back in these letters, at least a few years ago.

We’re watching a humorously propagandic American history documentary. It will give me something to keep in mind. What, not sure. I will be far from you again. I will miss you. I miss you now.

With love,

Alice

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Soren, happy birthday to you! 🎉🎉🎊 Seventeen now, you know what this means: you are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen!

How has the day been thus far? I suppose you’ve opened presents by now; what did you get, did you like it? I hope you are enjoying yourself. I can’t imagine what you look like now very well — at the risk of sounding like a grandparent, you must have grown so much.

You must have something from me too. Though it is not much, and I don’t know if you will like it, here’s a small landscape I made recently. It’s called “A View from the HMS Terror”. Do you remember when we went camping somewhere, I don’t quite remember where, I think in Oregon, where we were in the woods with the charcoal from fires and we could see all the Milky Way? And there was this place with all the planets at intervals representing their distances in light-years or suchlike? I imagine the arctic sky is similarly beautiful to that. A grand, lovely place.

With love,

Alice

The week rolls around again. How are you enjoying the new year? Nothing much is happening here. Mom and Aaron are going to a First Friday celebration down town, but I’m staying home to watch documentaries about polar exploration — my new way of dealing with winter around here.

I must tell you something sad this year: I won’t be drawing you a birthday present. I am simply too tired. Perhaps on your birthday I’ll send you some vague drawing I could wrangle into present-shaped, but I can’t make a portrait this year. I’m sorry.

I’m rather stressed for little reason. I have a hard time sleeping and sleep too late. I have another therapy call soon — maybe that will help. Is the seasonal depression catching you too? I hope you have something to do about it. I cried just thinking about a song that reminds me of Mom (Mel) yesterday, so it’s kicking me (it was ‘Hard Times’ by Ethel Cain). Other than that — what else to do. I’m trying to write but it’s not coming out right. No structure. No matter the case: we have Yum sauce, and I made pasta yesterday, so things are fairly well. I love you. I hope I’ve not disappointed you today. Know at least that my pencil skills have degraded and a new portrait would probably be worse than the ome before it. Sleep well.

With love,

Alice

Happy New Year’s Eve! Have you watched any of the fireworks displays in other countries? We’ve watched a few of them. London’s was long. I think I was not very interested this year, at least as much as last year.

Wonka was alright. Decently fun, but very cookie-cutter. I went to walk around town with Emily yesterday before her Mom came. I like going to the bookshop and pharmacy. Are you doing anything tonight? I am not; we’re watching a movie, but that’s all. I want to go to bed before midnight.

I hope the next year is better. For both of us.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! I will be quick with this one; Emily’s over for a sleepover. How are you doing? How has the post-Christmas-limbo been? Grandma left on the 26th, and we’re mostly calming down.

Emily and I are going to see Wonka tonight — I don’t expect much, but I hope it’ll be fun. It’s going to be capitalistic, at the very least. We watched the 2000 Grinch yesterday, did you remember him swearing? It’s not surprising that Mom (Mel) likes it.

I will be off now — I can’t be away long without risking rudeness. I am tired out and stressed — I have to add more to an essay and who knows how I’ll do it — but at least I’m still home for the time being. I miss you. I’ll send you a note on New Year’s.

With love,

Alice

Merry Christmas! What did you get today? Among other things, I got four sweaters and new headphones. Aaron got the cats a toy that imitates a flying butterfly.

After that, it’s mostly been Mom preparing to make dinner. I’ve spent lots of today crying. It’s hard to get by. Here’s another picture from before we opened presents.

I love you. Have fun, or savor something nice. I don’t think I can give you much cheer today. Mom has made bread — there is something good. It smells very nice. Enjoy the evening. Enjoy whatever Christmas dinner may be. Mom wants to go to Hawaii next year; perhaps that will feel nicer. It’s now been seven years now since I last saw Mom: happy anniversary. I hope it didn’t do as much bad to you as it did me. We will have some more cheerful Christmas someday. Until then, you must have a cheerful Christmas, and I must try the same.

With love,

Alice

Merry Eve! Grandma came today, and we got some stocking stuffers for her at the pharmacy. The tree lights are on and we’re all watching a quiz show right now. I just finished a novel, The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym. What are you doing this evening? How are you doing?

My fever is declining, however slowly. My head is fine in the mornings but pained in the evenings. Since little has happened today to recount, I will just tell you simply: when I remember old Christmases I hear them through the music from Home Alone and the oldest Disney films. There’s little in Christmas but melancholy now. I wish you were here. Sleep easily; I have a memory, from many years ago, in Mom’s (Jess’) house, where we were looking out the window, and I claimed to see Blitzen. We tried to go out and tell Mom, but she ushered us back into the room, definitely putting presents under the tree. “I saw Blitzen!” I think Mom (Mel) was also there.

With love,

Alice

I caught a fever last night, so I will be brief today. How has your week been? Have you put up the tree yet? We got ours a few days ago, and it looks quite nice. We forgot to put up the star though, haha, but I think the tree is too tall for it.

There was a fog hanging over the ground yesterday and the day before. I went for a walk last night, and it was very nice. I didn’t start feeling sick until I went to sleep. I’ve now been in bed all day. I hope the winter has been good to your health, and you don’t suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder. Heaven knows I am, though winter was my favorite holiday.

I will write again on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, per usual. I hope you’re enjoying yourself, and that you’re doing well in the cold. I love you. I know this season is rough — if I may reasonably assume. We’ll emerge from it again.

With love,

Alice

Hi!! I am home! How are you doing? How has Hanukkah been? We rewatched the Sesame Street episode about it and Adam Sandler’s song, per tradition. The flight went well, and surprisingly smoothly given I was by myself — I spent most of it listening to an audiobook about Franklin’s lost expedition (which would have been so ironic, had the plane crashed). They gave us all lunch and dinner, also tea and scones and a popsicle, which was much fun. Something quite interesting: somewhere near Greenland, the sun went down to the horizon, lingered there, then went right back up again.

I am so glad to be back home. I have slept so much and, though anxiety about assignments persist, my mental health is much better. But, of course, the darkness of winter continues to torment. Are you coping with the season well? Heaven knows Christmastime is melancholic regardless.

I’ve spent most of this week doing assignments and thinking about Franklin’s lost expedition. If I think about it hard enough, perhaps I can survive. I also went to a friend’s place and the staff party for camp, which were fun. Do you have any plans for Christmas? I suppose we never did besides open presents and play with presents. I found an old third-grade school journal of mine: it’s full of drawings of cats, ghosts, and fairies, and I write about going to Phoenix, and cacti, and if Fang could talk, what would she say, and what if she spoke Japanese instead of English. Do you miss it as desperately as I do? I often feel there’s nothing for me up the staircase of years, except to distract from killing myself. Maybe CBT will help.

Alas. I don’t really know what to say. I often say these in the mind that you’re not reading them at all, and thus your thoughts become an afterthought. I should say something cheerful — I won an Elf (the movie) mug at the staff party because I got the second-highest score at Elf trivia, and it had some powder for a mug cake inside. Won’t that be nice? I’ve been reading more lately — I finished the Franklin book in about five days, ridiculously quickly in my current state. Isn’t that a good thing? I immediately downloaded another; I must feel something passionate for my own sake, and if I feel it because of those boats, what can you do. Perhaps there’s my good message in this letter: find what makes you feel something good, and suck the marrow dry from it.

With love,

Alice

Hello again. You’re most likely asleep right now (if not, get some rest!!), but happy Friday regardless. Not much at all has happened since yesterday; I went to bed at some point, and woke up at another. That much is for sure.

I’m all packed up and flying off tomorrow. I’m worried about doing all the airport shenanigans by myself, but Mom’s sent me instructions, so I should be fine (knock on wood). I’ve spent most of this week just going to class, finishing assignments, and dreading the ones I’ll have to do over break. Is break starting soon for you? No matter the case, at least Hanukkah starts at sundown.

Since I am not very interesting today, here’s a picture of the cats. Mom sent one with all three.

Next time I write you, we’ll be the normal distance from each other again. That will be nice, at least. I hope you’re sleeping well, Soren.

With love,

Alice

Happy first night of Hanukkah! Mom wants to stall celebrations until I’m back home a few days from now, but I’m writing tonight. How are festivities going? Does Mom still give you presents? Mom stopped with me a few years ago now.

I’m using Halloween fake pumpkin candles since we’re not allowed any real ones in my dorm. I presume you have a real menorah; we have two back home, mysteriously. Do you still do any of the games, the meals? I miss childhood holidays — people want them to be fun and special when you’re little, but kind of give up when you’re about thirteen. It makes the present much more sad than already.

Wherever you are, I hope you have fun tonight. Hanukkah before 2016 is a blur to me now, except for the YouTube prayer and Elmo’s Veronica Monica and the Story of Hanukkah. I miss my memory, it is very poor now. I hope you’re at least making some nice ones now.

If you’re really here, Soren, reading these, don’t let me make you dismal. I hope you’re enjoying every day, but, if this has been to you anything like how it’s been to me, you’re probably not. I’ll try to extrapolate some emotions from you, if you don’t mind. You’ll get through this. Go have some latkes and, if it helps, try not to think about me or Mom or the Share side of the family. We will have holiday celebrations again someday.

With love,

Alice

Friday once more. Next Friday will be the night before I leave for home. I am very excited. How are you doing? Is break soon? I hope you get to rest awhile.

I’ve had a terribly rough week, but I’ll say some good things. The radiator in my dorm is fixed. I wrote a good chunk for my last pre-break assignment today. I bought some Reese’s Cups today. The moon is orange and hanging low like you could grab it from Heathrow Airport’s roof. I found out Apple Music has a Spotify wrapped-equivalent: my top musician (Ghost) wins by literally ten times over the next musician. Does Mom use Apple Music?? I guess I assumed that since we’ve always used it. If you have it, here’s the secret; go look at the wrapped, it’s fun!

There was a Christmas market yesterday, which was alright. I didn’t get anything but watched when the tree lit up — unspectacular, but fun. I didn’t get anything, but I noticed some dream catchers being sold at a crystal stand, which was peculiar. They sell dream catchers here? And they’re syncretizing Anishinaabe stuff with crystal neo-pagan magic, it seems.

I had another dream about you. We were sitting with Mom (Mel) somewhere, and she was leaning forward while saying something wrong, and I leaned behind her to tell you she was lying. Later we were going to meet and have dinner in a field, and I was buying dinner beforehand, but the checkout line turned into a church sermon and I woke up. We never got to talk. We never get to talk in dreams. I think because I don’t know what you’ll say.

I suppose that’s all that’s fun to say. I caught a fever, so I’m rather incapacitated. I can’t wait to go home. I hope you’re alright back home. Draw something fun on our room’s whiteboards for me. I love you.

With love,

Alice

I’m sorry for not writing yesterday! I did not even think of it, I think because yesterday didn’t feel like a holiday at all. Nothing happened of interest, except that there was turkey in the dining hall (which surprised me, but I was too late before they closed so I didn’t get the british Thanksgiving dinner). What did you do yesterday? Did you watch the parade? There’s next to no pumpkin pie anywhere in this town, and I suspect the country, so Mom’s going to get me some when I go home.

This week has been rather uninteresting. Just studying and going through the motions. I went to the British museum again for another seminar; the seminars are not very good, but I like looking at all the stuff there afterwards. A friend and I discovered more corpses than I thought were already there: ultimately, I hate the British museum. Imagine getting gawked at by tourists forever because some imperialists robbed your tomb in the 1890s. Outside the museum, I saw a shop that actually purported to sell antiquities — I saw a sarcophagus through the window. How awful is that? Where is it occupant?

On Saturday, I took a long walk to the post office (I forgot to print out a label and gave up on the affair, but). I saw a newspaper that referred to JFK as “America’s first president”, which was rather funny. I suppose that’s all that’s going on over here. I hope you’re sleeping well right now, and I hope you’ve been well. We’ve got a break coming up; do you look forward to it? If so, it will be here soon, if not, it will pass soon. Goodnight, Soren.

With love,

Alice

Friday again. How are you doing? Last Sunday I went to a town called Eton to buy Christmas presents. I wandered about and found an old church with 18th century graves, though the entrance was hidden. The trains in England run very slow and delay often — going somewhere ten miles can take over an hour.

I’ve mostly been studying, per usual. Are you doing the same there? Are you doing well?

I got you a present. It’s a little cliched, but I think there is meaning in it. This is every song I’ve associated with you since 2016, in approximate order since then. So, then, you mustn’t mind the nightcore. Music kept me from suicide. It’s more articulate than I am, so you will likely hear something more profound than I can write out. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDCphRmLROEA3YADcOfD-mgtlJcb-WizO&si=h394ul0yMf_qo0t8

It’s late at night now. You’re about out of school. I wonder if you’re afraid to go home. I hope you are not. But perhaps that’s naive. Stay safe. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! I heard there was a solar eclipse back home a few weeks ago!! Did you see it??? Mom and Aaron didn’t get to since it was overcast — they did not even tell me it was happening. But it’s so cool?? Apparently it was the early morning, so perhaps you were sleeping or in school, but if school won’t give everyone a few minutes to look for the eclipse, that sucks!!

Not too much has happened this week. I’ve mostly been studying. There’s a very nice room of old books in my dorm where it is quiet and easy to work without distraction. I can’t do it well in the library — it is too loud and crowded. How is school for you? I’m in the classics club here, and I got to make a pot on Wednesday, but I am busy next week and probably won’t get to paint it — if nothing works out, I’ll do it at home. Mom has started to make wreathes for Christmas, getting pine branches from the woods. She’s hung some over the kitchen windows, which looks nice, and she’s buying some ribbon. It’s more decorative than we usually get, I quite like it.

Look how festive!

I suppose that is all going on of late. I am rather homesick and will be glad to get home for winter break. We also have spring break too, apparently, which will be nice. They are both a month long — why not just chop off two weeks from each and end a month early at that point? Whatever the case, wherever you are, I hope you’re doing alright. It is so rough to live at times. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Hi Soren dearest, yesterday I went through a hellish labyrinth of trains for five hours to pick up a package (long story short international shipping doesn’t like international debit cards) only fifteen miles away. Today I woke up in horrible pain and then a 6 AM fire alarm both of which so distressed me I have done nothing of schoolwork again, like a prick. I hope you are well in our terrible home back home. Like Elizabeth and Will Turner getting married in a maelstrom.

That is all I can say since Halloween. I love you. Be well. I haven’t the energy to properly write. Know I am writing like a consumptive Victorian in bed. Know I love you more than anything.

With love,

Alice

Good morning! Happy Halloween! May spooks and spirits be upon ye today. I’m Dorian Gray again — though I’ve not done anything today. Some friends and I were supposed to see the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie, but it seems to have fallen through. Do you have any plans for today?

Here’s a picture of my costume. Let’s see if it loads.

I’m very tired today. Doesn’t help the Victorian outfits take so long to put on. Since friend plans fell through, I think I’ll walk around campus like a melancholic Romantic, then buy some candy. I feel very alone without anybody here. I had to text Mom ‘happy Halloween’ instead of saying it. I hope you have friends over, or likewise, I hope Mom is in a festive mood. I think she was, once. I don’t remember very well now. I love you. Happy Halloween.

With love,

Alice

I am so so so sorry for forgetting to write yesterday. I have no excuse but my own forgetfulness, I’ve set another alarm (one that hasn’t time-jumped to 1 AM).

How are you doing? What will you be for Halloween? I’m being Dorian Gray, and I’ll try to remember to send a picture. It has been nine years now since we spent Halloween together now, since Mom (Jess) and I were in Italy in 2015. I don’t remember much about it now. Mom (Mel) was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and making jokes about her costume. This may have been the year you were a demon and I was Athena/Selene. I remember telling different houses I was a different goddess. It is all very vague now. Perhaps I should look at the Flickr. Do you remember well? I wouldn’t expect it of you; you were younger than me.

I went to Reading, last weekend, a little town, because Oscar Wilde went to prison there. High walls surrounded the prison and you weren’t allowed in, though it’s now closed. They have a small stretch of path dedicated to him and a gate in his likeness. It did not feel like enough. But it was fun to walk around. They had much more fanfare around the medieval church beside it — more to their achievements than their mistakes. It got dark quickly, and it was scary to walk alone at night, so I went quickly back to the station. Besides that, not very much has happened that’s interesting. Has anything happened to you lately, good or bad? Tell me something, mundane or interesting. Anything is something to cling to.

A few friends and I are going to see the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie in a few days. I’ve been excited about it for a long time. I don’t remember your thoughts on horror. Did you watch Halloween with Mom (Jess) and I when I was eight? It scared the heck out of me then, and I still don’t like horror movies, but I like the games, though they also terrified me the last time I saw you. You seem indifferent in my memory. What’s the truth? I think I like about horror is that it lets me fear something inconsequential for awhile.

I don’t know how to end this one. I am ineloquent again today. I miss you. You become more ephemeral in my memory every day. I hate watching it. How lucky you are to never be without yourself; but then again, pre-trauma me is far different from post-trauma me, and likewise dearly missed.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! How’s it going back home? I find my memory has been very poor of late (I’ve had to look in my diary to tell people how I’ve been doing), which feels like a poor sign of things, but I will do my best to say something interesting anyway.

I had a class at the British Museum on Tuesday. The class itself wasn’t of much note, but the museum very much is. Afterwards my friends went looking for a body I hadn’t known was there, someone who died thousands of years ago in a bog. I saw several Egyptian mummies as well, out of their sarcophagi in the open — it felt voyeuristic and disrespectful. I suppose that’s what you can expect from the British Museum. I did not like it one bit. I’m not sure I should even say that the collections were nice, because so much of it was stolen. We have a lot of museums back home, more than usual, I think. I have distant memories of how fun the natural history museum and science museum were with their big displays and dark rooms.

Afterwards we stopped in an antique bookshop, which was rather nice, though I didn’t get anything. I am very tired after all the work of this week though I don’t feel like I’ve actually done very much. How is schoolwork over there? My memories of public high school are hellish. But I find myself missing America very much. People here talk about America to feel superior, like we don’t know our problems. I’ve gotten lots of rude jokes and comments. At least I am connected to home through here and the internet.

I am tired again, alas. I have little more to write on. Tell me something about yourself. I miss you as always. Will the ekphrasis make it mean less? Don’t let it. I mean it more each time. Time keeps passing infinitely between us.

With love,

Alice

It’s Friday the thirteenth. Spooky affairs are afoot. Nothing specifically unfortunate has happened to me yet, but I have a seminar this afternoon, so there is much opportunity. How are you doing?

Not too much has happened this week. I got a therapy appointment scheduled for a month from now, so I suppose that could work out well. Until then, hanging in there. I’ve finished some work, and I’m still haunted by the specter of deadlines. I am too busy to do much writing and drawing and too tired to when I’m not. Perhaps I should get into energy drinks (bad idea).

I’m feeling very inarticulate today, so I’ll tell you about something nice that happened. While I was walking back to my dorm one night a few days ago, I heard the campus’ choir in the distance, so I went to go sit outside of the chapel with a book. The night was lovely and so was the choir. It felt rather lonely somehow.

It’s becoming easier for Mom not to be here. It felt like a mother was leaving me again when it happened. I am still rather weary after it. Do you fear that as well? It feels like the most frightening thing in the world. I wish I knew what you were feeling. I wish I knew anything at all.

Have Nationals happened yet? If so, I hope you had fun, and if not, the same in future tense. Is it less worrisome to be competing with many others? There are less people looking at you in gymnastics, so I would guess so, but you did not care about that as much as I did. Whatever the case, I hope it is something to remember fondly.

I don’t know how to send this off, so I will do it straightforwardly. I miss you. Your absence is spectral and I feel it as something pressing in my chest. I will always wait here for you.

With love,

Alice

Happy October! It is officially Halloween. I think I will go as Dorian Gray against this year — he is ever my favorite. What about you?

School is alright. It’s a rather stressful affair. My classmates really like to make fun that I am American, in the same way old people make fun of each other for bonding, but it really comes across as rude, and I can’t help but feel bad. It is rude back home, very rude, but I don’t know how to say anything about it. I don’t know, it just feels really bad to be shown jokes about school shootings and made fun of for my pronunciation of some words.

Not everyone is bad. I’ve made a few friends. How are yours? I suppose Siena is off in college now, I hope she’s gone somewhere nice. Perhaps you have made some new ones at rowing club? I miss my American friends. I miss America. It is a far meaner culture here than I thought — fitting, I suppose, for the great imperial power.

I have also learned that fruits and bread mold faster than I thought. A few days for fruit, about a week for mold. Perhaps you will find that useful.

I don’t know. I think I sound too formal today, or else too complaining. I have written my short first assignment before anyone else I’ve spoken to, which seems like a good sign. I hope you are doing well in school. You always did. It is better to hope that you are well in life. I suspect that is harder. I miss you. I hope you do something pleasant today, if you can.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! Classes started Monday for me. The lectures are alright and kind of fun, but the deadlines are worrisome. So worrisome I keep procrastinating projects like a fool. How are you doing? I’ve mostly been navigating an uncomfortable miasma of terror and discontent. I am not very good at studying, which doesn’t help.

On good news, when I first moved in, the curtains for the big window were inexplicably on the floor, and someone put them up a few days ago. There are about three cats on campus and I’ve met two of them. One was asking so cutely to be let inside my dorm building (she’s allowed).

I have been more tired than I have been in a long time. It is all the stress and the socializing. I hope I can at least make some friends, the sort you feel comfortable enough to cuddle with without warning. I suppose I don’t have much else to talk about. British people are absolutely obsessed with school shootings; even a professor compared Achilles to one. I am sick to death of it. Can’t we talk about Mothman or suchlike when we can’t do much about the bad parts? I found a nice book about Oscar Wilde in a bookshop, which was fun. I’m also getting a bit of a cold (again). I miss you. I hope you’re doing well. I hope you are having fun back home.

With love,

Alice

I am a little more stable right now, so I can write more. I have been very busy with moving and preparing for classes. My roommate is nice, but when talking about America, I have felt a little like the guy on the gallows not making the gallows joke. I am very overwhelmed at all times and spend lots of time crying. I can’t sleep in the mornings for anxiety. I have scheduled a meeting with mental health services here and hope I can get on medication.

Mom left a few days ago. I feel very alone, especially when she is asleep. We went to the National Gallery and National Portrait Gallery, both of which had so many famous paintings I felt 30% more cultured walking out on principle. Turn left — George III, two feet in front of you, full 18th century regalia. This must be what George Washington felt like.

Making friends is rather difficult, especially when it seems everyone else has managed it already and made their own groups. I hope it works out. My best friend lives in the Netherlands, at least, and I hope I can visit them. How are our friends? I wonder who you’ve met since so long ago.

The campus is very beautiful and this is ever an ‘opportunity’, but I miss America so much I can’t stop feeling unhappy. I miss Mom and my cats and my room. There is so much that’s happened all there is to describe is the overwhelm. I hope you are well, happy as you can be. I bet Mom will post pictures to the Flickr. You can be jump-scared by George III yourself.

I had to explain to someone what happened to you when they looked in my garnet locket and asked about our age difference. They are always surprised. I don’t want to always be like this. I miss you. It is the afternoon there. Enjoy the weekend, Soren. I love you.

With love,

Alice

I don’t want to write much right now since I’m crying right now and am rather overwhelmed right now. I moved in today. Mom and Aaron are in a nearby town. We traveled by train.

Lots has happened. My room is nice. I have a nice view looking at the library. Everywhere is very old. They have lots of old things. My roommate is also nice, she’s English but moved from Norway.

Mom is very far away right now. It’s all a bit much. I hope I will be better by next week. I love you. Good morning. I don’t think I’ll change my schedule for writing in case it confuses me into forgetting, so you might get these earlier.

With love,

Alice,

Thursday paradigm shift! What strange thursdayian things are happening that never grace Friday? Grandma arrived yesterday with Trooper (the squirrel) and McKelvey. McKelvey has been very sweet to me, letting me pet him and purring, and is much nicer as an old man than he was when we’d go to Grandma’s house. Mabel has passed away; I don’t remember if I’ve told you, I probably have, but that is important in case I forgot. Achilles is very nice with Grandma since the Greek vacation last year, in a way he never is with most people.

Packing is practically finished, and I can’t sleep for anxiety. I will probably write next week; if I don’t, it’s because I’m busy or without Wi-Fi, so don’t worry. Mom will probably post pictures to Flickr anyway, so you might see what’s going on there. There’s a link to the Flickr on this website somewhere, I’m sure. You remember where it is. You can see all the English tourism we get up to, the museums and whatnot. I am bringing a locket with your portrait in it, which I’m sure I’ve showed you before, with a garnet on the front.

Mom and Aaron went to the weird bike race (not really a race) on Friday with their Barbie and Ken bikes. I followed them on my conspicuously ordinary one. It was still rather fun; a few people had bubble machines on their bikes which was delightful.

I’m very worried. I have never been away this long, especially so far from you. To put it a silly way, imagine all the fish that will be between us, in the Atlantic Ocean. It’s far too many. The first time I went to Europe, I wore the necklace I stole from you, the one you found on the ground outside our white house. I keep it on my wall now, hanging from a thumbtack, and I won’t move it ever again, because I would not lose it. I have a locket now for your memory. I’m sorry I stole it. I won’t have anything of yours, but I will feel your ghost beside me. I often do. I’ve seen you and Mom in public.

I’m rambling again. I feel like I’m leaving you again, which I think I am. Know that I would go home and live with you forever if I could. Know that I’ll be thinking of you all the while.

Time degrades my memory. They don’t allow candles at the college. How will I celebrate Hanukkah before I fly back? I will feel even more far away then. Celebrating Hanukkah is like bringing flowers to you and Mom’s grave to me. It it’s not there, it will be like you were never there at all.

Let’s end more cheerfully. I watched a movie called The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari awhile back, and I’ve been thinking of it ever since. I loved it, and I think it is one of my favorites. Tell me about something you’ve been enamored with of late. Or just think about it. I hope you’re doing something nice. I hope you’ll be taking some fun class in school. I hope Mom lets you eat junk food sometimes. I hope you buy it regardless. I hope you have friends you adore. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday, Soren! How are you doing? We’ve been mostly working on packing for school. We leave next Friday; I probably won’t be able to write that day, so I’ll write the day before.

Mom showed me a GoFundMe Mom (Mel) made to fly you to a national rowing championship. Well done! Mom (Jess) thinks you don’t really like rowing and that Mom (Mel; man, we really should’ve kept with Mama) made you get into it so you could work towards a college scholarship. Do you like rowing? I think you’d like the friends inherent to it, but there is not as much flair as gymnastics. I hope you do well at Nationals. In the GoFundMe, Mom says something like “We love you” near the end. I cried after reading it because it wasn’t true.

Screwing around, I’ve discovered I can write in different colors. If you can see it, look, we’re pink now! Come on Barbie, let’s go party.

Now we are blue. Gender doesn’t exist in computer-land. You can change at will. This is lots of fun. I can also write in white. This message is a secret.

I got the plague, but I’m doing mostly better. It functions like a fever, like it did last time. Did you ever get it? I hope not, but it probably would do you little ill. Just sit in bed for a few days and ring a bell until Mom brings you ice cream. I don’t know. The interesting things going on here are functionally mundane. I will have much better to tell you about in England, where I will list off regional differences until we are both exhausted. Crisp is chip. Torch is flashlight. Museum is stolen goods. Do you remember that there’s a chip (is crisp) brand called Soreen? I think Mom told you the first time we went to Europe, over Text+. I’ll buy some and tell you how it tastes.

This is feeling rather boring now. I’m going to miss you. I’ll be farther away for longer than ever before. I’ll tell you fun facts to fill in the gap. The very wide, fish-filled gap.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! How are you this near-weekend? Here it’s mostly been navigating college bureaucracy (terrible). Please affirm your identity for the 3948493th time.

Smoke from the fires in Canada clouded the sky a few days ago. You could smell it inside. Did it go down to you in Oregon? I hope not, it felt scary to go outside for a few days. I still feel wary of the air quality. There weren’t fires like this when we were little, but I hear the phrase ‘fire season’ thrown around very casually. It makes one feel very old. There’s still a slight haze in the air, but that may just be me going mad.

Well, there is not much else going on here today. I watched a silent film called Metropolis yesterday and liked it very much. I like silent film; this will be how I manage to never spend money on luxuries as an adult, lol. You can’t spend 8 dollars on a movie if it’s been in the public domain for five years.

I suppose that’s all that’s interesting happening this week. Perhaps I will have something better to talk about soon. When I’m in England, perhaps. Did you know protesting is illegal over there? I think they should protest that. I love you. I hope you’re well.

With love,

Alice

In trying to make writing to you on my new iPad work, I think I’ve logged into Mom’s original account again. Perhaps that will help out? I’m writing on it right now, fingers crossed that it works.

I learned at a work party a few days ago that two people there have read my letters to you. I thought nobody did. I won’t name them for privacy, but I have hardly spoken to either of them, so they were not friends who might have done it because they knew me well. Isn’t that amazing? People usually don’t like to hear about it. It’s been like they feel contempt or just uncomfortable. If either of you are here, hi, I’ve never felt so hopeful about coworkers knowing about my deepest traumas. One of them asked me what I want people to do knowing about you. I couldn’t answer. Bothering you or Mom would be a terrible idea. But ignoring you does nothing at all. I really don’t know, but I guess here that only people in Eugene who already know you can help by just being there. Watching out that you’re alright without being weird. But you might think that’s stalkerish. If it helps, nobody tells us what you’re up to. Or what Mom says about us. Or anything at all.

In other affairs, how are you this week? Is it terribly hot down there? It is up here, I hope you’re well. Aaron got the plague again, and Mom probably has it, so I’ll probably get it too. I’ve mostly just been trying to survive the depressive episode oscillations. I’ve been doing more drawing and writing lately, knock on wood. A friend recommended that I read a Warrior Cats book to help get back into reading, and I (already having 938392848392 of those books) read a scene in one that caused an intense, hurtful flashback to the sights and atmosphere of the summer of 2016, and it hurt my heart so much I almost had to put the book down. I do not think it’s normal to long for childhood so so terribly, but I never felt well again. I wonder if you feel something similar?

Hoping again that this will send. I miss you. I hope you are happy and not overheating.

With love,

Alice

Friday again. How are you? Mom and Aaron are going to an event where they bicycle around town in bikes dressed to look deliberately silly. Mom’s attaching an umbrella and some paper mache elephants on the sides.

Every time I start to write, I think to myself, “Wait, what have I done this week?” and I go to my photos to check. There isn’t much there right now. Pearl brought in a mouse today. I had another dream about you. I went to Eugene and saw you and Mom (Mel) in a grocery store (one that doesn’t exist there). You had a new sister who said I wasn’t her sister but Soren’s, which I didn’t mind (since people have shoved the sister label onto me with several others who definitely aren’t my siblings). I cried and hugged Mom, and she hugged me back and said it was okay, but I knew she was only doing it because we were in public. I don’t remember much else. I’m tired of phantoms. They make me sadder in the morning when they’re not real, but I keep wanting them anyway.

I haven’t much to say, so I won’t say much. I hope the summer heat isn’t bothering you too much back home. I heard Miami is on fire. I hope our family is okay. I don’t think they’re in Miami, but my memory is too poor. I hope the smoke isn’t where they are. Come to me someday, please.

With love,

Alice

Happy August. How are you this Friday? I walked part of the way home from my summer camp job today, and had a very nice time eating blackberries off bushes and looking at trees. I think the berries came up later than last year, though the summer is hotter.

I finished a book called The Goldfinch a little bit ago and liked it very much. I hear there is a movie, but I haven’t seen it yet. I have also been listening to a book about Ancient Greek history at camp, and though I’m a little too overwhelmed to remember everything, I like it very much. There is something very poetic in the aftermath of the Bronze Age collapse that applies to The Goldfinch’s central conflict, that the things in the past linger very heavily upon the present. You’ve been hiding a painting for years, your entire world is gone, and that fact informs everything. I’m rambling now.

Not very much else interesting is going on. I am writing a new story, exactly like the other ones, and I desperately need to find a new story once I’m finished. A dead or kidnapped sister isn’t the only thing to write about, but it always returns to that. It seems to be the only conflict I can come up with. We cannot all have kidnapped sisters. It becomes impractical. The stories aren’t good enough to warrant this. Perhaps I ought to write something from the sister’s perspective, and find a new plot trying to know you through the character, but perhaps I need to find something else entirely. It feels egotistical to only write about my own problems (which is exactly what I’m doing right now. Curses).

Maybe you’d find some comfort in one of these stories, while they exist. I don’t have much else to share with you today. I’ll give you my favorite: The Death of Jane O’Flaherty. It still needs editing, but I think it is my best work. It is the only story I’ve ever written not dedicated to you, as I wrote it for a friend who invented the original concept with me. It is fairly short, and has some description of dead bodies, suicidal ideation, depression, and grief. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LjhDQB-w6yW1ZvczL0dl5NgarAho3-SyhinBZpbi5RQ/edit . You may find it fairly boring, since I wrote imitating a 19th century writer.

Enough on myself. Tell me about you sometime. You were a better writer than I ever was. You probably still are. You can sense talent; I have only effort, which isn’t always enough. I’ll paraphrase something you wrote a long time ago, and leave you now: “As the moon rises, I still love you.”

With love,

Alice