Ipad has randomly decided that the internet does not work anymore and I’m too lazy to fix that right now. Ergo, I’m on the computer today. A whole different dimension. It’s only down in the living room with me today because I wanna play Deltarune. How are you doing? As the Vashon Film Festival and my inevitable documentary appearance draws near, Mom and Aaron keep trying to guilt-trip me about my disinterest. Free pizza and coffee, Al’s so pissy, etc. Maybe I’d be less pissy if I wasn’t almost a non-consenting, unpaid reality star as a kid. All for your sake, of course, but then again, would you tell Jenette McCurdy to suck it up and deal with it because her family was poor? I know, my time on tv did not get as bad or extensive, but, the excuses for treating kids like this seem to come down to the same things. You need to help your kidnapped sister, my teeth are falling out and you’re refusing money, etc. Why couldn’t I have less public-facing problems? Mom knows I’ve never wanted anything to do with the public eye — why should I capitulate to her now at 21? I’m sorry, Soren, I’m just so mad at her. I want her to respect me as an adult with agency and autonomy. She doesn’t, and then calls me childish for being mad about it. I guess if you want a teenager, you will get a teenager.
This week’s been alright. Friend left. Emily came over. Emily’s doing alright too. She’s just finished first year of college, like you if I remember right. Pearl went missing for almost two hours when she was over. Mom got mad at me for crying in the woods and crying when Aaron found her. She doesn’t like when I have strong emotions. She started pathologizing my behavior and got real mad when I told her not to tell me how to feel. She had the same strategy the last time I cried in April when Paris peed on my 100+ year old vintage clothing. You’re traumatized and overreacting, you’re dramatic. Funny since these were both problems she caused: Pearl wouldn’t have been considered in danger if she didn’t let the cats out unsupervised, and Paris wouldn’t have endangered my clothes if she’d neutered them at the recommended age. I’m literally on the “feel nothing and function well” pills, and yet I’m still dramatic. I’ve only cried twice in five months (that she knows. I cried once at Stonehenge too. That place sucked), and both times she scolded me for being overly-emotional. Sorry again Soren. I’m under the weather. This house feels unlivable sometimes. Mom is such a negative person. She rarely has a good thing to say about anyone or anything, it’s either making fun of someone or being mad at them. And when the forced TV appearances come back into discussion, she’s mad. Was she always like this? Do I not remember? I feel like she’s better than this, but my memory on the whole is so hazy that I cannot say anything for certain but that something feels so wrong.
My job has been leaving out brownies for us. It’s been nice. I’ve been able to read a lot again with my worktime audiobooks. I’ve read two Shirley Jackson books (The Haunting of Hill House and We Have Always Lived in the Castle) and am working on a third (The Sundial). She’s absolutely riveting. It feels like she writes for me. Although I’ve taken a little break to read McCurdy’s book. It feels good to read a lot. Work gives me the circumstances I need to do it, now that I’ve lost my drive to the internet. I get to still love reading. Also, newer books are easier to retain over audiobook; touche, but also like, it’s a relief after all that Herodotos these past three years.
Anyway. Nothing else is really going on. I finally get my break from the work-sleepover cycle. Too much sleepover lately. I wanna wake up by myself. Can you imagine being married? Waking up everyday and immediately having to socialize or deal with a Presence? Maybe you’d like it, but perhaps I’ll have to die an old bachelor.
With love,
Alice