I’m writing rather late tonight. This is because, after work, I forgot to write for awhile, then remembered, then remembered I’d also forgotten to put in the laundry (laundry bag three feet away from me in living room), did that, and forgot again until right now. That is how I am doing. How are you doing? I hope better.
Work’s going alright. Getting into the swing of things. Enduring nine hours of nine hours again. Much too much for a unionized job. I finished The Locked Tomb series today: very good. My best friend likes it very much. I read the first two books in first year of college but was too tired to really enjoy them. I started rereading them recently after having a striking lesbian dream about my favorite character. Come back to me, Gideon… Now that I have finished that, I’ve started Rebecca. Nice so far. Nothing spooky yet. I suspect it’ll be a “first wife haunts the second wife” situation. Mom is still making me marry her and Aaron, so I’ve also been rereading Alice in Wonderland to comfort me with the remembrance that adults are all insane. She told me, quite literally, that she was “lording it over me that [I] live here for free”. Being less bold than I was when you last saw me, this thoroughly intimidated me into submission. I guess “coerced into performing a marriage” shall be added to the list of insane bullshit I’ve endured. Needless to say, I still believe this is on some level intended to force me to legally enshrine a family dynamic I have consistently not consented to. You know, Soren, I used to think our moms were normal. We are not so lucky. Though, I shouldn’t complain too much, since who the hell knows how your situation is going back home. Perhaps you’re thinking that I haven’t seen anything yet, or perhaps you’re not. Who the hell knows. I mean, even before the Big Event, Mom was definitely skewing my opinion about the divorce. Was it deliberate? I don’t know, I have memory problems. Miserable memory problems like a waterlogged book you can only read bits and chunks out of. That’s what happens when you experience Big Events.
Happy ten years, by the way: ten years of me being aware that any of this was happening. We were staying in Grandma’s little place in Eugene right before we drove down to live with cousin Laura. It was near Splash, and the house smelled like cat litter. I had just plucked up the courage (because I thought it was a good thing to face your fears) to watch the YouTuber Aphmau’s role play series about Five Nights at Freddy’s, irrevocably changing my life and also perception of my own childhood trauma. I remember showing Mom the FNAF fan-song It’s Been So Long like “this reminds me of Soren”. I had not seen anything yet. Also, I Got No Time reminded me of my old elementary school friends and also everyone in Eugene. Not sure how much the former deserved it though. That’s all I remembered before Phoenix. That and singing these songs loudly after climbing up a tree. I did a lot of public singing at this time.
Put on one of the songs. Ow. I shouldn’t have done that. Crawling out of this adult body and back into that kid again a bit. You’re never too familiar with yourself this way. I’m going to bed. I’m working on a new writing project, but I cannot tell you about it because this place is much too public. But I wrote 1,000 words on Wednesday! I am usually very slow. My last story (perhaps I posted it here?) was almost 8,000 words, and took a whole year to write. Because of the moral dilemma. Well, if I haven’t, why not leave you with a bedtime story? I don’t post these anywhere, anyway. If I ever decide to, I’ll tell you my (Wattpad? A03?) account.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/15DFJGEBOX_9l8UYbhsCPGLRVFC-Noe5n07LcbLA8eH0/edit?usp=drivesdk
Trigger warnings for death, cancer, necrophilia, and alcohol consumption. Goodnight, Soren. I love you.
With love,
Alice
P. S. “My beloved Kris” is my best friend, not a lover. I’ve already called them “my dearest friend” enough times that I decided to just use another word for what is true.