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How’s it going? I spent all of yesterday convinced it was Wednesday, so it being Friday today is pretty confusing.

I learned today that there is a municipality in Germany called Sören. I think I have an idea of where you should take your next vacation. Imagine the amount of signs you could pose next to.

How has life been? I’m afraid I cannot say much, for nothing very interesting has been happening. Achilles is sitting on my chest right now and impeding my writing. I think I have infantilized him so much that he has just stayed an infant. The very sweet baby. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but I do hope you have a pet. Cats are such a comfort to all of life’s ills (even though I am being forced to write this with one hand right now).

We watched some of a documentary about cheerleading tonight, and the sort of athleticism involved reminded me of gymnastics. Are you still doing dance? I hope you’re doing something like gymnastics, for you loved it so much (although I wouldn’t particularly recommend cheer — the athletes get many concussions!).

I suppose I cannot say much else, for this week has been rather mundane. I hope you are okay and that something nice is going on. I miss you.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! How’s it going? We’re watching Jeopardy in the living room right now. Do you watch it? I don’t remember watching anything live after we got Apple TV. Aaron’s the reason we started watching. It’s enjoyable, and I like Amy Schneider.

How’s is going this week? I’m sure you’ve had more time to use your new presents now that it’s been ten days since your birthday. Again, what did you get? Cake at least, I’m sure. Unless Mom has really leaned into her healthy food tendencies, like the mom from Bedtime Stories. I wish I had been there. At least I had a present to throw out into the world — I hope you’ve seen it. Perhaps if anyone who isn’t Soren happens to be reading these, you could show her? Who knows if you (Soren) even use the internet. Heaven knows it’s a good choice; there’s lots of nonsense on here.

We went to the zoo on Sunday with my friend Emily (whose mom also used Aaron as a sperm donor) and her mom. It was much fun, and apparently the animals come out more in winter. The big cats are basically just little cats that are big. We should have domesticated tigers. There was also a mini-aquarium, which was nice. Have you been to the zoo lately? I hope you have a pet (besides Puddles/Pebbles [someone please remind me of the name] who has likely passed by now). It’d be rather lonely back home without one, especially since Fang passed.

I hope you’re alright this week. I miss you. I hope I have something more interesting to talk about next week.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! It’s your first one as a fifteen year old. I presume you’re not going to get up to Friday Night (Katy Perry) levels of ~teenage partying~ but I hope you have fun regardless.

Did you enjoy your birthday? I hope it was fun as yours usually are. Your parties were much more exciting than mine, remember? It was how I preferred it, of course, but going to yours were so much fun, with the voodoo donuts and the fun lights. It’s kind of funny how Cowfish is basically a nightclub building.

Not much has happened this week. We’re going to the zoo on Sunday, which I hope will be fun. Mom posted your portrait from your birthday to Facebook — I haven’t looked at it (I don’t use my Facebook) but one of my friends told me she liked it. I hope you do as well.

That’s really all that’s up this week. There is little else to say. I hope you are well. I love you dearly, and think of you always.

With love,

Alice

You’re fifteen years old! 🎉🎉🎉 Happy birthday, Soren. I hope you have enjoyed the day so far. What did you get? I hope you got everything you wanted. If it will send (sigh), here is my present:

Thank heavens, it worked! I posted it a slightly different way; maybe it must always be that way? Regardless, Mom says she will post it to Flickr, so you can see it there soon too.

I know it is not close to a contemporary portrait — it is referenced from that one nice photo of you and me in front of that one bridge in California, when I believe you were six or seven. I chose it simply because it is a lovely picture, and I have no modern references to work from. It is more a representation of what you have looked like in my own head for the past five years. I am sorry that it is biased.

I have thought little but of you today. I wish I knew why we are denied occasions that were once happy. And you have suffered this longer than I have, perhaps physically (when did Mom even declare that she had no intentions to ever speak to us again?) but certainly in your own memory, for you were younger than I was when it happened.

I wish you the happiest birthday possible, Soren, and hope you got everything you desired. Happy fifteenth birthday. 🎉🎉🎉

With love,

Alice

How is the new year going? It’s almost your birthday! What do you want? Will you be having a party? It must be somewhat difficult to have a birthday so close to Christmas. I never considered that before, alas. I hope you still get a sufficient amount of presents befitting both occasions!

I wish I could give you an actual present. Especially since I have learned to gift-wrap. I wish everyday that you were not being held. I will make you a portrait — it will not be contemporary, but it will be something. I will write on your birthday.

I know you do not want to talk to me, that I am likely to your mind unsafe. But I do know that you wanted to see the Flickr (thanks to your friend ‘yee hee’, now ‘dipper’ on Pinterest). Perhaps you could try talking to another Share family member who doesn’t associate with us much, or someone who feels generally safe, like Laura. Speaking of, Mom removed a few photos of us as babies off of Flickr because they were getting a suspicious number of views (I had her do this once before). Sorry about that, it’s very creepy.

The first song I associated with your kidnapping was ‘It’s Been So Long’ by The Living Tombstone, in September of 2016. I still listen to it sometimes. I ought to make a playlist. I miss you everyday, and will always love you. I wish for nothing but your happiness, and hope you enjoy your birthday. Do you still have parties at Cowfish? Those were so much fun.

With love,

Alice

Guess what? It snowed! The day after Christmas we woke up to snow on the ground. It’s very deep, and has kept snowing for the past few days, but there are no clouds outside today. It’s very idyllic and pretty! Did it snow in Eugene? I hope it did, and if not, I hope it does in the future.

Have you any plans for New Year’s Eve? We do not. The new year is always a sad occasion for me, so I go to bed early. What about you? Do you enjoy the holiday? Usually for me it’s a reminder of how many years have passed since your loss. The coming of the new decade in 2020 was especially painful.

I hope you are having fun and celebrations! Do you stay up, and do you watch the New York New Year’s television thing? I do not. I may go to the zoo this weekend, which will be fun, and maybe count as a celebration? A little bit, at least. If you are sad, I hope you may find some fun, and take comfort that the year is an invented way of organizing time based on how fast the earth goes around the sun. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Merry Christmas! What did you get this morning! I got lots, which I won’t go into too much, but among the ‘important’ bits are a computer for college and a new phone that hasn’t arrived yet. Also an amount of chapstick that will last a lifetime. Did you get what you wanted? How much did you get?

It started snowing this morning. It was quite exciting, but it happened off and on, and didn’t coat the ground. I don’t know if it’ll stay, but having snow on Christmas is very exciting, like a movie! Did it snow in Eugene? Is it expected to snow sometime in the future? I made Yorkshire pudding with Grandma, and Mom made figgy pudding. Neither of them looked like normal pudding. And I don’t think the figgy pudding had figs in it? It was still pretty good. Did you make anything special for dinner?

I admit I’m always sad on this day. Each year it’s, “Oh, it’s been 1,825 days since Mom said, “John, get Soren upstairs,”,” at the door of our house, and each year the number gets bigger, with no resolution in sight. Time is lonely, as are we. But I don’t want to dwell on it, since that makes it feel worse.

I miss you very much. Merry Christmas, Soren. I hope it has been happy.

With love,

Alice

Happy Christmas Eve!! Grandma arrived yesterday. She brought the baby squirrel she rescued from outside her house, Trooper (called such because he’s a little trooper who survived). Paris and Achilles were afraid of Grandma but not Pearl. No info yet on how they see the squirrel. I tried to send a photo of him, but alas, no luck again. What is up with photo-sending here? WiFi?

Sooooo, tomorrow is Christmas. This is always a sad time of year. Our last Christmas together was in 2014, seven years ago. That’s half of your life and nearly half of mine. I ask myself everyday, “Why, Mom?” but no one will tell me. I often feel that we are condemned to sadness. At least we’ll get presents. I’m sure you’ve set up the tree by now. What do you want? What do you think you’ll get?

I’ll write to you again tomorrow, of course, and tell you what I got and all that. I wish I would hear of what you got and what you like, but I know I’ll get no answer. Imagine how much has changed! The last time you saw me I was terrified of Five Nights at Freddy’s, but little did you know that in September of 2016 I became obsessed with the game. And you still know me as being terrified of it, though five years have passed. What has changed that I know nothing of? Perhaps I’ll never know. It’s emotional to be an unwanted ghost to your own family.

For now, it’ll just be me and my Oscar Wilde poems trying to feel well. Peace, peace, can she have read, one of my letters. I’ve decided you’re likely not Yee Hee/Dipper on Pinterest, who messaged me about making the Flickr account public. I saw he changed his profile picture and looked at his account, and it seems he goes my he/him pronouns, which would not make it you (unless, that is, you happened to be transgender, which I doubt, but which is fine if true).

Regardless, I hope you are well, and enjoy Christmas Eve. The weather says it may snow here. I hope it does here and there where you are. I love you. Merry Christmas.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! Winter break just started for me. Has it started for you? I’m going to go into a 48 hour coma, and wake up still tired. Christmas is very soon! Grandma is coming on the 23rd. When was the last time you saw her? Is she allowed to visit you? Mom says Grandma’s excited to watch the Beatles thing that’s on Hulu.

I tried to send a picture of the Christmas tree, but as it always does with photos, it did not work. We got and set it up last Sunday , and also have a mini plastic one (that isn’t your or my personal ones; yours lives on my shelf, and I don’t know where mine is) on a cabinet in the small living room (there’s two of them, the formal one and the one you actually use, like front doors). Have you set up yours yet? What sorts of ornaments are you using, without the ones from the Christmas Box? I’d be quite sad to be without the ones we actually use, but I am also sad to have them in a post-trauma world, so it’s a losing game regardless.

On the good side of things, we’re going shopping off of Vashon island for presents tomorrow. Have you done any Christmas shopping? I’m not going to be looking at the presents, but it’s fun regardless. In a place where the only ‘normal’ business is a Subway I’ve been to once, going to Target brings about a certain joy no one would ever expect to get from Target. Although, it’s always empty in some fashion because it lets me imagine what I actually want: to leave and visit Eugene. It’s been two years already… Perhaps I should sabotage myself and go to U of O. I wonder if you feel similar urges— but wherever to travel? Perhaps back in time. I wish that everyday.

I am going to go to bed now, for it is late. You’re likely preparing for bed too, or are about to. It feels unreal at times; it is almost easier to believe that you rest under a gravestone than that life has gone on, and you have grown older without me. Oh, what did Mom say to everyone?

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! Have you any plans for this weekend? We’re going to get Christmas presents tomorrow.

Something I realized recently: remember when I was about ten and I told our Moms I had synesthesia? Its in some part tragic that I don’t remember if I need to clarify, six years later: I do not. I lied because I wanted to feel special, to have something to compensate for my lack of left-handedness and outy belly button like you do. I don’t mean to say it’s in any way your fault — it was my own insecurity. I do find it a little funny that Mom (Mel) might still believe it, because it’s her fault for not knowing, while it’s not yours. Ultimate prank?

Christmas break is soon. Can’t wait to sleep forever. What do you want for Christmas? What did you get for Hanukkah? I do hope it has been fun. Holidays are quite sad nowadays. I still have some school to catch up on beforehand. Alas. The ancient torment, lol.

I will keep this very short, because it is quite late. Goodnight, I love you. I hope you’re okay.

With love,

Alice

Happy Hanukkah! I decided to write today as usual because it’s still Hanukkah on every night, not just the first. How are you doing? Are you enjoying Hanukkah? Have you gotten nice presents? We are struggling to keep the candles in the Menorah. Someday the table will catch on fire, it is inevitable. I tried to send a picture of the menorah, but alas, the pictures aren’t working.

We just made a lighting candles mistake, alas. Lit the fifth candle before we realized the sixth one wasn’t there. Oops. We just said the prayer. Laura is here on FaceTime celebrating with us. Do you celebrate with anyone else, besides Mom? It’d be nice to celebrate with friends and family!

This week hasn’t been eventful. I’m trying to finish all my schoolwork before winter break. How about you? I got an advent calendar, which is much fun. I should have never stopped. You should definitely get one if you don’t have one!! I feel like a workaholic adult man from a movie rediscovering the joys of Christmas. I do hope you’re enjoying the holidays. They’re melancholic, but there’s fun to be had.

I hope you’re alright. Keep going forth. I’m going to sleep forever this weekend. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday. Did you get Thanksgiving off? I got yesterday and today off. It’s been a nice weekend. I do hope you’ve also gotten a break.

Not much has happened this week. I’ve done a little writing, which is nice. I wonder what you do in your free time. I wish I knew what hobbies you have, so I could talk about them.

Taylor Swift has released a new album. Have you listened to it? I watched the All Too Well music video, and thought it was very good. I admit I only pretended to dislike Taylor Swift when we were younger because I wanted to seem ‘cool’. I’m sorry. She’s a very good musician. My favorite part of the music video is the bit where she grabs a handful from the wedding cake.

It’s getting darker much earlier now. I think I’m experiencing seasonal depression. I never have before, so I’m not sure why it’s happening. I quite like fall and winter. Are you experiencing the same thing? At least there is Christmas to look forward to. But every Christmas I remember that terrible morning of 2016, and I can’t spend the whole day happy. I often think that I’ll never see you again, and it’s more persistent a thought on Christmas. Do you feel the same?

I hope these letters don’t come across as self-centered. I wish I could talk about your interests, fears, life, etc, but the problem is I don’t know a thing about them. You know them quite well. Know that I’d love to learn everything.

With love,

Alice

I almost completely forgot to write this. Sorry! My disdain for Thanksgiving is having consequences. How have you spent today? Did you have any family over? We didn’t — we made lots of food, and I am ridiculously full. Did you have a typical Thanksgiving dinner?

How did you like the Thanksgiving Day Parade? I woke up late, so I didn’t see all of it. It felt more commercialized than usual. I dislike when it just feels like you’re watching a long commercial, which is a bit ironic given that it’s the Macy’s parade. But it was still the parade, and still enjoyable.

I’m afraid I haven’t enough to say for this letter (besides the typical Thanksgiving criticisms). Part of me wishes I could have one of those dreaded Thanksgiving family dinners, but no one wants to see me anymore. I promise the Shares would welcome you. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! I am so tired. Do you understand the narrative about teenagers partying all night at all? The older I get, the earlier I want to go to sleep. Why aren’t the movie characters tired?

It’s nearly Thanksgiving! I’m not gonna go into my yearly internal rant about hating the pilgrims, but believe me, I’m thinking it. How are you doing? Do you have any plans for this Thanksgiving? Grandma can’t come over since I don’t think Mom (Mel) talks to her anymore… We don’t, particularly, the holiday hasn’t even been mentioned yet. I’ll write to you on Thanksgiving. I wish many cranberries and turkeys and biscuits upon your household.

Mom and I went off of Vashon and went to Target last week. It was fun, and ridiculously exciting for quarantine-reasons. We stopped by Sally’s and I dyed my hair a somewhat darker brown. Has anything exciting happened to you recently? Have you ever dyed your hair? I think you’d look nice with a periwinkle purple.

By the way, to say one thing: the reason all of these letters (except the holiday ones) are titled ‘Hey, Soren!’ is because if I had to give them all different names, we would have devolved into ‘Hark, Dear Sister, For Ill Tidings Are Upon Us’ and ‘Regardful Salutational Helloing Greetings’ long ago.

I miss you very much, but I haven’t enough brain to say much today. Paris and Pearl are batting at each other through the slightly-open door. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? It’s getting quite cold here, near-constant rain. I don’t suppose it’s much different in Eugene. Did you know that Washington and Oregon are basically the same in weather? Twilight didn’t lie.

I got the day off for Veteran’s Day yesterday, did you? I enjoyed myself and got some writing done. I hope you enjoyed yourself. One of my books, The Count of Monte Cristo, is missing, but thank heavens it is in the public domain. I still have no clue where it’s gone!!! It can’t fit in the couch (I think).

I sent an email to your school email (from Roosevelt, I believe). In it I link this website, ask you a ridiculous amount of questions, and detail my side of the story, briefly, from September of 2016 to now. I had to edit it heavily because it became too floral-prose-y. I hope you don’t mind. I’ve always wished for a reply, but I do not expect one. It’s alright. I just hope you read it.

We’re going off of Vashon to visit Target and Starbucks tomorrow. I am excited!! The only ‘normal’ store to be found here is a Subway we’ve visited once. I of course do not support the monopolization of certain companies and whatnot, but I miss cake pops, you know? Alas. I wouldn’t be surprised if Mom (Mel) didn’t go to Starbucks at all since you’ve been gone, since she preferred Capella’s and other such healthy places. If so, I’m so sorry.

It’s been a week. I’m going to go eat something. I hope you are well. I miss you.

With love,

Alice

For a moment just now I forgot that I wrote to you on Halloween, and freaked out about my broken promise to write to you. Turns out I had forgotten that I had not forgotten to write. There is a tongue twister in here somewhere. “I had forgotten that I had not forgotten that I had forgotten —“

Anyways, how are you doing? It is Christmas season! Candy of all colors is now here while the remaining spoils of Halloween are unsold. I did not send a picture of my costume last Sunday. Here it is now:

Never mind. Pictures aren’t sending again. Cruel, cruel website. I promise my Tintin outfit looked nice. What were you? Did you take any pictures? I hope trick-or-treating was fun. It’s the funnest night of the year! An anecdote: on Halloween of 2019, me and my friend Olivia were handing out large candy bars to children, and I told two boys to take as much as they wanted, as it was close to the end of the night. The absolute glee on their faces as they grabbed as many bars as possible was unforgettable. Halloween is the best of nights!!

Now we must await the next holidays: Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas. Which of these is your favorite? I must say Hanukkah, because you get the presents without the traumatic memory of Christmas 2016, which I’m sure you remember. Did you hear Mom that day? She called out to you.

As part of a class, I have published my finished novella online. I won’t link it here, because I am deathly afraid of anyone seeing it ever (despite the fact that it’s a marketing class — alas), but the book is dedicated to you, and I thought you might want to see the dedication. They’re all, and all that do not yet exist will be in the future, dedicated to you.

As with everything I have done,

To

My beloved sister, Soren.

I mourn your loss like a death to this day.

I often write to you overly-florally, and that is for a silly reason. I am afraid you won’t believe me otherwise. There is a difference in writing ‘I am sad my sister is gone’, and ‘I weep for Adonais — he is dead!” The poet is an especially emotional rhetorician. Unfortunately, I am not very good with poetry, so no one in Eugene believes me when I say I didn’t mean whatever harm it was that warranted my shunning. (I have also read so many old books I can’t help but sound weird at times, oops.)

I’ve spoken too much about myself in this letter. In the next one, I will find more to say about you. It is quite difficult with so little information and such a terrible memory. But I will keep trying. I hope you are well, Soren. I love you.

With love,

Alice

🎵This is Halloween! This is Halloween! Pumpkins scream in the dead of night!🎵

How are you doing? Are you excited? It’s the best day of the year! I haven’t gotten dressed yet, since it’s still early. Are you trick-or-treating? What are you dressing up as this year? I am Tintin again. So excited!!!!!!

What are you doing today? Are you going trick-or-treating with friends? That would be lots of fun. We’re going downtown to some event. Candy might be there? My brain’s been on a ‘candy candy candy candy’ loop. I want the candy, Soren. Keep trick-or-treating for as long as possible!

Again, I don’t want to think about how this is the seventh Halloween we haven’t been together, and the first one was actually my fault (being in actual Italy). Seven missed holidays, seven missed days for memories, seven costumes I haven’t seen, seven nights we didn’t have fun. How do you deal with this? It has been half of your life.

Whatever the case, I hope you have fun today. Enjoy yourself as much as possible! Do you still like the movie The Witches (And did you like the remake?)? That’s a good Halloween movie! I love you, and miss you. I think of you always.

With love,

Alice

Forgive me if I seem rushed, for I’m writing in haste. I’m going soon to fill in some volunteer hours at the local summer camp where I worked a few months ago. They have a Halloween drive-through each year, which I’m going to help decorate for. It sounds like much fun!

I will write to you on Halloween! What are you going as? Are you going anywhere at all? Halloween warrants some celebration, even if one isn’t trick-or-treating. It’s Halloween!!!!! Best holiday of the year!!! Are you doing anything? Having any friends over? I hope to watch a movie or suchlike, and will dress up as Tintin again (I bought some improvements to the costume).

Alas, I know very well that this is Halloween #7 that we have not been together on. How I hate it, and how lonely it is. I had another nightmare about Mom (Mel) last night, where I spoke to her and she and a former classmate (Cameron) looked at me in disgust, and Mom walked towards me like Frankenstein’s monster with the arms stretched out. Do you experience similar bad dreams?

I must go now. Time is short. I love you, have fun on Sunday, farewell.

With love,

Alice

How are you today? The weather app tells me it’s all rain all week for Eugene. I do hope you’re enjoying the rain, otherwise it must be very dreary. Isn’t it funny how the grass is green in fall/winter, but gets yellow and dry in the summer? It’s very counterintuitive. I, for one, am greatly enjoying the fall weather. Don’t you just love when the leaves swirl around in the wind? It’s quite exciting.

We had to start giving Pearl some cat medicine because of how aggressive she was acting, and she’s acting quite normal now. It’s such a relief, since she was so distressed. She hates Paris and Achilles a whole lot. I wonder if Mali and Fang ever had similar problems? I remember too little of Mali to know. Do you remember Mali?

I noticed on Google Earth that the Yogurt Xtreme has been replaced. Isn’t it awful? Where can you go for frozen yogurt now? I don’t remember any other place in town where you can buy it… Remember how fun it was to go there with the fun chairs and the television that showed people’s pictures? I think we were one of the pictures once. It was so nice! Especially being so close to the Market of Choice and Starbucks. Alas!

I realize that I haven’t had much to say this letter. I hope you are not disappointed. The truth is I do not like talking about my sorrows, as they are sad to articulate and likely self-pitying to you. Just know that I feel your absence strongly, and always will.

With love,

Alice

Halloween is still coming! I am waiting with impatience. Do you know what you’re going to be? Are you still trick or treating? You should do it for as long as humanly possible. Disguise yourself if you must, in the name of the candy. Oh wait, disguises are what Halloween is.

Did you ever see that someone changed the playground by our old house? It’s all green and bright blue now. What do you think? It’s too bright, to my mind. The wooden structure is gone! For what purpose? Alas. Do you drive by there much? I’d presume you wouldn’t, because I don’t think Mom wants to think about us. Cornucopia was fun, though. So is bicycling in the church parking lot.

Mom and I bought some chalk a few years ago to write a message for you in the driveway, but we ended up not doing it. The chalk is still in the car. I’ve been considering what I might write and where if we were to go back. A link to this website would work. What do you think about the Roosevelt/high school parking lot? That’s where you go now, right? I don’t know where you go after Roosevelt. Both works. Regardless, at least Eric isn’t your principal.

I miss you very much. There is little else to say.

With love,

Alice

How have you been this week? I hope everything’s alright. I hope it’s started raining in Eugene again. Then again, it probably has. When is it not raining in Eugene?

Have you done anything with the chicken coop since the chickens were lost? Perhaps gotten more chickens? There’s a lot of room back there, despite the brambles. It could be a fun mini-house, like the castle at our old house. That would be fun! There was thoughts about a treehouse in the tree with the horse swing for a little while, but unfortunately that never came to pass. Also, what has become of the little fairy house by the gardens? Poor thing was always in disarray.

Also, assuming that John isn’t there anymore (because why would he stay so long?) has the library become the library again? There was that fun piano you could change to make different types of sounds. Is that still there?

Perhaps this letter should be titled ‘Inquiries’, lol. But how can one talk about much when knowing so little? All I know is this: I miss you dearly, and I hope you still think of me with some affection. You are the most loved person in the world.

With love,

Alice

Happy October! Halloween is coming. I am very excited. School is kicking me hard, but at least I get to sleep for as long as I want tomorrow. Do you think you’d wake up tired after being in a coma? That would be so disappointing. Though, to be honest, I haven’t felt not-tired in years.

So, Halloween #7. An awful number. Half of your life and nearly half of mine. I wish I could do some good, but I don’t know what to say to make anyone listen to me. Nobody misses me. If they did, they’d say something. I have easily accessible social medias, and no one is being stopped from messaging them. I’m sure you can’t, but others can. Pappy was using Facebook at some point. Alas, he has other grandchildren now, as I saw.

Here is another poem that reminded me of you. It is called Adonais, written by Percy Shelley, regarding the death of John Keats. I include only the first two stanzas as the poem is long. It is becoming difficult in my mind to separate your loss from a death. I often think that you will always be nine years old.

I weep for Adonais—he is dead!
Oh, weep for Adonais! though our tears
Thaw not the frost which binds so dear a head!
And thou, sad Hour, selected from all years
To mourn our loss, rouse thy obscure compeers,
And teach them thine own sorrow, say: “With me
Died Adonais; till the Future dares
Forget the Past, his fate and fame shall be
An echo and a light unto eternity!”

Where wert thou, mighty Mother, when he lay,
When thy Son lay, pierc’d by the shaft which flies
In darkness? where was lorn Urania
When Adonais died? With veiled eyes,
‘Mid listening Echoes, in her Paradise
She sate, while one, with soft enamour’d breath,
Rekindled all the fading melodies,
With which, like flowers that mock the corse beneath,
He had adorn’d and hid the coming bulk of Death.

With love,

Alice

How are you? October is almost here. I personally cannot wait. It’s still getting colder, thank heavens. The grass is getting greener, ironically, with the rain! Are you alright over there? I hope everything’s going smoothly.

Pearl got some medication (Prozac) and we’ll see if that makes her less distressed. Yesterday she was acting wildly during school, but she’s calmer today. Perhaps the medication is working? Speaking of cats, Mom told me recently that Mme. Katherine’s cat Chinny was transgender. In what direction, unknown. Alas, we cannot ask her since her passing. I wonder how she could tell?

I have also learned that I don’t have to write an entire novel for my capstone, just an outline and the first chapter. Thank God, I was freaking out!! I have so much time to agonize over name choices and research now. How is school going? I presume you’re settled in by now. Are you still online, or in public school? I’ve seen people on both sides of the coin, so who’s to say?

Something I’ve been pondering: have you gotten The Vaccine? I know Mom (Mel) doesn’t like them, but she seems very concerned with appearances and social acceptability, so perhaps. I don’t want to talk about this at length, though — such a matter of passionate controversy, recently.

Regardless, I hope you’re well. I miss you. I always have Wilde’s Requiescat on my mind. “Coffin-board, heavy stone, lie upon her breast, I vex my heart alone; She is at rest.”

With love,

Alice

How are you? This week’s been tiring, but at least it’s the weekend. How are you? How is school? I don’t know why I keep asking, knowing no answer is likely.

My prayers of last week were answered, and it rained three times, including today!! It is so cool and pleasantly scented. I’m happy for fall weather. It’s quite funny that summer is when the grass dies and winter is when it’s green, since it’s supposed to be the other way around. Where did that idea come from? Is too much sun not a desert?

Speaking of, a trip to Laura’s in Phoenix has been suggested, but might not happen since Josh (her boyfriend moved in with her) is sick. I know if it were to happen we’d probably fly, but how I miss driving down through Oregon and California! How I wish to visit you again, harrowing though it always is. Washington is very alike to a miniature glass nature cage: it resembles home, but is nothing of the sort. You can tell you’re not in Oregon, it looks and smells different. But we still have daffodils in spring and Starbucks (across the water, unfortunately). I might have also mentioned this, but Mom wants to go to David’s for a haircut, which might make further incentive? I wouldn’t go there, though, since David is transphobic.

It has started raining again. It is strong and windy. I am excited! I hope you get lots of whatever it is the weather you like. Alas, I should know. I know nothing. What is there to ask this empty chasm that would finally warrant an answer? It certainly hasn’t asking about the weather back home.

I hope you are well. I’m sorry to have written to you so late. Goodnight, sweet prince.

With love,

Alice

How are you? Has school started up again? Mine did last Monday, and it’s very stressful, but hey, Mom thinks my SAT practice score is nice. I have two more APs, but they’re topics better than geography (literature and art history) so I hope I’ll do better! I got a 5 on the geography test, btw. I didn’t enjoy being 15 for a second to get it. Are you doing well in school? It’s a miracle I am.

The sky is overcast today. Ironically, I am overjoyed to see this turn of weather. I hope rain comes soon! I miss the rainy, green color of Eugene weather. I thought I just heard lightning, but it was someone moving something downstairs. I’m getting a little overenthusiastic. I don’t remember your thoughts on these subjects. Do you prefer rain or sun?

I had another dream with you in it. I found you, in some very tall, wide mall, and could not understand why you were acting so carelessly about our situation, though this time you knew what had happened. Meanwhile, I had a baby that mom’s boyfriend gave a name I hated, and it disappeared. I was traveling with you but you got lost again, and I could not find you. I saw my old elementary school friends again, and called out something to Siena.

I wish I never dreamt of you. I had a different one recently, where you were doing gymnastics at the gym and I saw you. I don’t remember what you said, but we went to a backyard with a small playground and soft, purple flowers, and I cried in your arms for having missed you. In both dreams I was happy and bewildered that finally, this was not a dream and I was seeing you again, but each time it was not, and I woke up alone. I don’t know what to do, Soren, for nothing has ever worked.

Cousin Malcolm followed me back on Instagram. I don’t know if he saw my bio, linking to this website and saying to go there for information on my kidnapped sister? He never messaged me. I am afraid to try. The basest form of acknowledgment is a thread I cling to, and fear desperately to lose. Does he know? I do not know. He has two children now, I saw them on Facebook; what ever would he think of this, as a parent? Most of our friends’ parents don’t care… It doesn’t make sense.

I leave you with a sad thought: Long Lost Cousin Jill is less long lost than us, to our respective lost sides. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How’s it going? It’s officially September. Has school started yet? Mine won’t start until after Labor Day. I don’t remember enough about public school grades to remember which grade you’re going to — I’ve jumped ahead once or twice, and for the entirety of middle school I didn’t even once think ‘I’m a middle schooler’. Given that third grade is the year you turn nine, I’m guessing you’re going into ninth grade? I hate to think that you’re turning fifteen soon…. I still see you as nine

The cats are fighting a lot. Websites are suggesting castrating the boys, but Mom thinks that’s way too much for just fighting. I’m trying the method of playing regularly so they take out their aggression on the fishing pole instead. They seem to be into it so far, but we’ll see where it goes. I just hope to see an end to the growling over water bowl ownership.

Dear Soren, I hope to see you again someday. Life is more melancholic than I could have ever realized, when you are not in it. I hope you are well. Please, try to take care of yourself. You always have family here.

With love,

Alice

I was about to ramble off about my suicidal inclinations, but I was pulled away to a walk in the woods and I’m feeling somewhat better now. How are you? Fall is coming up, so you know what that means — more AP classes for me and Halloween for all. I can’t wait for Halloween. I wish there was more free time when the weather is nice so you can go out in fall and winter. I hope the rain comes back soon…

Nothing much has happened. I feel like I always have a headache, but I don’t take ibuprofen because I use it enough as it is, and don’t want to have heart failure or something. I miss Eugene. I would love to go on a road trip there. There is little more I enjoy than staring out the window for a long time with music. I hope you have been up to much? Monotony yields depression. But I wouldn’t be surprised if we both already have that. What else is there to have in the face of such great loss?

I hope you will find me someday. I hope I will have the will to write a book or something like that. I’m often sad thinking that you likely believe you have been abandoned. I’m sorry, dear sister. That is on my shoulders. I’d visit if I had a car and weren’t afraid of Mom calling the police. I know you are afraid, though. If it makes you feel better, I would enjoy being pepper sprayed if it meant acknowledgment, something I am in sorely in lack of in the previous years.

I hope you have a lovely afternoon. We are going to Costco this Wednesday. I am incredibly excited.

With love,

Alice

How are you? It’s getting colder here. Autumn is definitely on the way. I’m personally excited. Halloween is always great. Do you know when school starts up again?

I don’t want to talk about hopelessness and whatnot. I’ve thought a few times this past week that if I were writing to you right now, I’d have typed a lot of lamentations. But I’m ignoring them right now. I just hope to see you again, someday, and that you do not hate me. I’ve been thinking of home a lot lately.

Our roosters are incredibly loud. I wake up to them every morning. It’s a blessing that we didn’t have any when we had chickens, those poor little ones. Do you have any pets anymore?

I miss you incredibly. I miss Eugene likewise. It is not nice to be a pariah, but as you know, it is not always a fortune to be in the group, either.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? I’m tired from work today, so I’m taking some time to relax. I’ve been doing more writing, which is exciting. What have you been up to lately?

I must admit, questions like that feel empty. I know there will be no answer. I have become resigned to the thought that I will likely never see you again. How could I? A custody trial feels like fantasy, and going to your house will never work — for whatever the reason it is that I am threatening, I will never be acknowledged, again cast to my solitary confinement room. For reasons unknown, and so efficiently done that neither of us (I presume) had no idea it had happened, each of us were rendered perfectly alone. I am never to see my home, family, or friends again, and neither you your family. Grief and fear are very close companions, as C.S Lewis once wrote about. I grieve for and fear my family everyday, for how I was once accepted and now have been violently rejected. Be safe, dear sister, for while you have always been the favorite, I still have fond memories of our mother.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! Although technically Friday doesn’t really matter during summer. How are you? How are your friends? I see ‘blueraspberryfundip’, aka ‘yee hee’ is into cottage/goblincore. It’s fortunate if they live in Eugene, since we have so many forests.

I’ve mostly been working lately. It’s pretty tiring. We’ve been watching some old movies lately, which is fun. I watched a 30s movie called ‘The Women’, which, despite miraculously not having a single man in it, barely if at all passed the Bechdel test. Alas. What have you watched lately?

I think about Eugene a lot. Every time I’ve visited (the last visit being the one you saw me) I’ve wondered how it should go if I saw Mom, you, or someone else I know in public. What would they say? We saw Roxy at a Michael’s once (her children might’ve been with her?), but nobody spoke to one another. I saw my friend Nadine through the upstairs window at Market of Choice, but she was in another room and we didn’t speak. Regardless, I often feel unwelcome and on the run.

I haven’t had to deal with it in awhile, but I wish I could visit again. It’s been too long. I wonder what you think of Eugene. You are very welcome, but always lied to. Have you ever questioned someone about us? How did they react?

It is late, and I am going to have dinner and shower. I miss you very much. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? I just got back from work, so I’m really tired. I did (almost) ALL of the dishes. I have lots of money I have no clue what to do with. I’m probably going to not spend any of it, but I’m excited that I can buy people birthday presents! Do you think Laura would like a crystal with her name on it? I bet that’s something one could find somewhere. I usually draw people stuff, which can take awhile.

I’m feeling somewhat cheery today, so I won’t ruin it by lamenting. Just know that I miss you dearly. How is summer? Have you been able to have any sleepovers? I’m not quite sure when one gets too old for that… I’d still love to have a sleepover. I think I’ve only had about four or five since the last time I saw you. If you get a cat, it’s a sleepover every night. One where you’ll wake up at least once. Every night.

I hope you are well. I miss the mortar and pestle from the front yard. There are blue hydrangeas in the front yard and it would be fun to try to make blue paint like we did with purple flowers once. I don’t think it was very effective. Do you use it for anything? I’ve seen people who make videos of crushing candy and suchlike with them.

I miss you dearly, and think of you everyday. I hope the weather is warm and that you get to see your friends. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? Mom told me that some kids in Arizona are going back to school already. Isn’t that sad? They get out in May, but let them have this, man. I suppose they don’t have to search for nice weather, though.

We had to put one of the roosters with the hens because he was being bullied. He started harassing the hens in turn, but it seems to have died down. I don’t think any new chicks are coming. The boys have lots of anger in their hearts, which is surprising coming from a few birds who live in a barn next to a nice, grassy lawn. I’d be very relaxed. But the roosters are self-contained rage packets. Whenever I go outside, I have to pay a toll of some seeds to not be cockadoodledoo-ed at. If it’s (He’s? She’s?) alive, how is the fish? Poor Pebbles(?) was so sickly. It had a very pretty white color, though. Wasn’t it a type of goldfish called ‘lacy’ or something of the like? It’s been so long, I cannot remember.

I don’t like feeling like I’m speaking to an empty audience. I wonder if anyone has left any comments. I’m not sure why they would, if they were not you. I often forget anyone else sees these, and that they are not normal letters (If they were normal letters, I’d use a wax seal on the envelope. Wouldn’t that look pretty?).

What is there to say? ‘I miss you’ cannot cover the truth of loss. I often wish I could leave flowers at your doorstep, like it were a grave. Did I tell you about the dream I had some months ago, where we were at the pool (the little one behind the houses, that Mom (Mel) took us to), like it was years ago? You looked to me so real, and were not angry or afraid of me, as if nothing had happened, and I didn’t know what to do. Have you dreamed similar dreams? I have had them so often over these past five years, that I suspect you have too. I hope they don’t bring you as much pain as they do for me.

I worry that I talk about myself too much here. Forgive me for it. I leave you with this poem I found relatable, and thought of you when I read it. It is called The Dead Poet by Alfred Douglas, regarding Oscar Wilde, his partner.

I dreamed of him last night, I saw his face
All radiant and unshadowed of distress,
And as of old, in music measureless,
I heard his golden voice and marked him trace
Under the common thing the hidden grace,
And conjure wonder out of emptiness,
Till mean things put on beauty like a dress
And all the world was an enchanted place.

And then methought outside a fast locked gate
I mourned the loss of unrecorded words,
Forgotten tales and mysteries half said,
Wonders that might have been articulate,
And voiceless thoughts like murdered singing birds.
And so I woke and knew that he was dead.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? I’ve been having an unfortunate couple of days, but I am trying to feel better. I have done some drawing lately, but not much.

Life, as usual, is rather uneventful. Has anything interesting happened to you lately? I have mostly been working, and trying to write when I am not, but often find myself in the clutches of an immovable weariness and sadness. Do you understand? I often can’t bring myself to eat when hungry or stand when I have something I need to do.

I still check Pinterest everyday. You are always welcome to message me there. Your friend, Yee Hee (now blueraspberryfundip) has blocked me, and I messaged them from Mom’s account some time ago. I just wish someone would tell me to screw off rather than always metaphorically putting down the old-timey phone and leaving me listen to silence. Just one ‘F*ck you, Alice, you did (whatever thing it is I have done to be abandoned by mom) and hurt your sister!’. How grateful I would be! To not be left to radio silence and to know why I am a stranger and criminal to my own family and friends, at eleven years old! What can eleven year olds even do to warrant this? The mothers of murderers are always in court, yet I am completely alone.

Soren, the Shares suck for not doing anything but telling me to keep praying. But they still love you, and they will accept you if you try to contact them, for you have done nothing wrong. You will always have a family, even if it feels like one side has been completely cut off. Grandma kept visiting you for as long as she could.

With love,

Alice

How are you? I’m glad it’s cooled down here. We had a few overcast days a few days ago. Are you doing well? I haven’t had much time to do anything but work. I don’t like labor very much, but alas. At the very least, I can find some inspiration for characters.

I learned some fun facts about our mom’s name today. Did you know ‘Melanie’ only became popular because of Gone With the Wind? Before it, it was very rarely used. Before the book, mostly Roman Catholics used it, if anyone. It also means ‘black’, which fits mom very well because of her dark hair and eyes. Interesting! I wonder if Grandma and/or Pappy read Gone With the Wind. I personally haven’t. Have you?

I’ve been very tired lately, but I’m trying to get some writing done regardless. It’s fantastic how quickly some people can do stuff. What have your hobbies been since you left gymnastics? What are you into? I think you’re a great athlete. You graduated from level 2 to level 3 in a single day!

I hope I haven’t acted too sad here. It’s hard to be positive. Just keep swimming, as it were. I hope you can distract yourself as best as you can.

With love,

Alice

Not much has happened today, since we don’t celebrate Independence Day with much of anything. I heard fireworks last night, which was a little confusing. I hope the ones tonight don’t scare the cats.

Are you doing anything today? I doubt we will at all. I hope you have fun if you do. I wonder what the more patriotic families are doing today.

Alas, there’s really not much to say today. I hope you’re having a nice day. I love you and hope you see some nice fireworks.

With love,

Alice

I will write on the Fourth of July, although that holiday is a little more boring and controversial than the others. Do you see the fireworks every year? I remember one year when we went hiking up that forested hill in Eugene to that one lookout, the name of which I don’t remember. It was cold that night, so we both huddled up in a blanket mom brought. I don’t remember what year it was, then, unfortunately. Do you remember that night? I wonder what memories have escaped me but you still have. It’d be interesting to compare.

The cats hate each other just as much as ever. The boys fight each other sometimes, too, which is unfortunate. Siblings ought to love one another! Pearl hates the boys. The boys do not know what hissing is and remain blissfully unaware. I wake up at 4 AM to hear relentless growling almost every single night. So is the life of having three cats. I have to lock them out often because they won’t settle down! I’m sure Puddles was never this much trouble, despite his (her?) infinite array of medical problems. Poor soul.

How has summer fared for you? Did you survive the heat wave? I hope you had lots of AC. My fan seemed to make the heat worse at times. I dislike global warming. The northwest is not a place for Arizonan temperatures. Alas..

My job at the summer camp is not very bad so far, although it gets pretty hot indoors. I don’t like standing up for so long either. Again, I recommend a job like babysitting where you don’t have to stand up for too long at a time.

I miss you everyday. At times I feel exactly the same or infinitely changed from myself before it happened. I know not which is the truth, only that I miss it hopelessly. I hope you have had the illusion of normalcy, physically or mentally.

With love,

Alice

How are you? If summer vacation hasn’t started by now, I feel infinitely sorry. It’s very hot this week, apparently it’ll get to 100 degrees tomorrow. Why must the nice, cold weather end the second school does? I hope it’s nicer down there in Eugene. I would love to see some rain.

I got a job at a summer camp and went to ‘training’ on Wednesday. I start my first day tomorrow. I’m very worried but will let you know how it goes. You’ve probably never had an ‘official’ job yet, right? You don’t need to at all. Stick with babysitting, that’s more fun.

I’ve been rewatching Gravity Falls (the television show) lately and I often think of how I’d love to show it to you. I could never make a fantastical version of our youth because it already exists. Aside from the sibling protagonists, you won’t find a better allegory for losing a sibling and desperately trying to get them back than with the protagonists’ uncle and his brother. Perhaps I am biased, but I recommend it. Watching easily relatable pre-trauma siblings makes one sad, though.

I forgot to mention — I haven’t got much for my birthday so far, because of shipping times. I got a nice candle and a necklace from the late 19th century. What did you get for your birthday? I doubt trying to send you anything would work.

I hope you’re doing well. I doubt I ever shall again. We must keep making do.

With love,

Alice

Luckily enough, my birthday happened to land on a Friday, the day I write to you. How have you been? I think of you every January 11th.

I haven’t opened presents yet, but the cake is finished. It’s very chemical-like, and the dough was bad to taste, but the finished product is pretty good. I haven’t opened any presents yet, so I’ll tell you about them next time. What do you get on your birthdays? It’s kind of funny imagining the kind of gifts mom would give. Kale subscription. Small plant with a bow. Cooking utensils. Lol.

I’m only joking — I hope your birthdays are nice. I know they really can’t be anymore, but one must try to cultivate the best they can out of a dreadful situation.

Summer has been very uneventful so far. I got a job at a summer camp, the training for which starts next Wednesday. Have you ever had a job? I used to do babysitting in Seattle. It was pretty nice. I wonder what career you are considering, if you’ve been considering one at all. Please tell me sometime.

I miss you everyday. I hope to see you again someday, but that hope falls dimmer as each day passes. I love you, and I will love you even if I never see you again.

With love,

Alice

I don’t quite know what to write today. I’ve been stricken unexpectedly by sadness again, and I don’t think more Otter Pops will pull me out of it. Has school ended yet? I suppose I’ll have to stop asking that by July, unless public school has really gotten out of hand.

I remember one time, I don’t know precisely when, when Mom (Mel) told me never to grow older than I was right now. I think I told her I couldn’t help it. Why, then, should she decide to be responsible for ending all of my child-ness so abruptly? I’m dreary with wondering. I doubt I will ever have an answer. I feel like I went from Hermione Granger to Edgar Allan Poe in under a year. Alas…..

It’s raining today. I enjoy both rain and sun in equal, different measures. The rain reminds me of home. Contradictor-ily, while I want to return home more than anything, it must be your life’s mission to leave it. If only to prove me wrong in knowing how horrid they have treated you there.

With love,

Alice

Happy June!! Things are a lot chiller around here. I applied to work at a summer camp, so we’ll see how that goes.

We’re watching some Olympic (trials) thing right now. Have you been keeping up? They’re all really good. I love Simone Biles, she’s probably one of the best gymnasts I’ve ever seen. I wish you had never quit, you were also fantastic. Do you still do dance? Do you like it?

Now that school is over, I have been, errrr, exactly as productive as usual. I’m just happy to be getting more sleep. What do you plan on doing once school is over? I’m enjoying sitting in the backyard. There wasn’t much grass in Seattle.

Whatever the case, I hope you’re doing well. I’ll probably have more to talk about soon. If anything, I‘ll tell you what happens on my birthday, lol. If only you could tell me what’s going on.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? When is summer vacation going to start for you? I just finished my AP human geography exam, so I’m done with school. I’m glad it’s done. I hope you don’t have to wait long!

Now that my plate is much more open, I’m going to concentrate on reading, artistic projects, and sleeping in. Now would be a good time to concentrate on mental health. There’s less time to do so during school. Are you very busy? I hope you’re not.

I wonder how things have changed back home. I can’t visualize how anything has changed. But you look older, my things are probably gone somewhere, mom looks older too. Am I as distant a memory as you are to me? It’s been so long. It’s been so unbearably long. How are we expected to live like this forever? To live like the other’s family is dead and gone.

But we work through it, as we must. I hope you don’t experience the lower parts of depression. I certainly have. Life is so much more horrible than I ever thought it could be. But I must keep on walking through it, if only for my family. I hope you enjoy the weekend, Soren. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Good evening, Soren. I am again stressed and melancholy. I hope you are better. Summer is near — may it bring light to us both.

If we had never lost one another, you’d probably know that Oscar Wilde is one of my favorite writers. Did you know that he too lost a sister? I have tried and will try again to write stories symbolizing what happened, but I can never seem to find the endings for them. Endings require explanations, and I have none.

I can’t say anything happy today. I listened to the song you like a few days ago, Talking to the Moon by Bruno Mars, and cried for a long time. I pray you never think of us. I think of you all the time, and it is too much to bear.

I leave you with Wilde’s poem about his sister, Isola. It is titled Requiescat. The only difference between our circumstances and death is that death yields closure.

Tread lightly, she is near
Under the snow,
Speak gently, she can hear
The daisies grow.

All her bright golden hair
Tarnished with rust,
She that was young and fair
Fallen to dust.

Lily-like, white as snow,
She hardly knew
She was a woman, so
Sweetly she grew.

Coffin-board, heavy stone,
Lie on her breast,
I vex my heart alone
She is at rest.

Peace, Peace, she cannot hear
Lyre or sonnet,
All my life’s buried here,
Heap earth upon it.

With love,

Alice

How do you do? Again, not much has happened this week. I’m doing lots and lots of review for the AP Human Geography test on the 28th, so there’s not much room for anything else until that’s over.

Pearl’s been annoyed with Paris and Achilles lately, and she keeps urinating in non-litter box places. But sometimes, she acts perfectly nice to them. I’m not sure how to make her feel better, but I hope she stops disliking them soon. She has lots of time to, anyway.

I miss you very much. I’m not sure how else to say it. I will never stop missing you. I wish any Mikell in the world would speak to me, if only to tell me to not contact them.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? Mom ordered pizza a little while back, so I expect to have something nice to do this evening. I hope you’re having a nice spring, though May is a very anticipatory month when summer is just around the corner.

Mom’s building a gardening vine thing that’s expected to grow into a reading nook. The plants are going to grow around these sticks shaped like the outline of a tent. I don’t know how long it’s going to take, but it’ll be fun when it’s finished. Have you done any gardening in our yard? There used to be asparagus in the front yard, but I don’t think it’s there anymore. The last time I remember seeing it was when the Santiagos lived next door, and I bloodied up my knee on Isaiah’s electric scooter. Do you remember that? I still have the scar on my knee.

I miss our neighborhood. It was such a nice place to walk or bike around. Do you go out much? It would be nice to bicycle down the street again.

Whatever the case, enjoy the weekend. I find myself wracked with homesickness lately, over the most minuscule of things. Do you feel the same, ever? Although you are technically home, I think home is also a time and a frame of mind. I’ve felt that the most strongly while being in Eugene, since it happened. Especially when near our house. You’re home, but it’s changed, and you have nowhere to go back to. I don’t feel welcome there anymore. Perhaps I am not.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? Summer’s coming closer, are you excited? It’s getting sunnier and warmer here as the days go by.

Pearl has a problem with urinating on the spare bedroom’s bedsheets and the couch lately. She’s distressed, probably because of the boys being around, but I don’t know how to make her feel better. Treats it is, I suppose. The cat-patio (catio, as we call it) was finished recently. It took some coaxing to get them to go out, but all of the cats seem to like it. They’ll probably like it more as summer comes. I just hope they don’t get too comfortable with being outside, in case they should happen to wander off and get lost if the opportunity presented itself.

We didn’t worry about Fang back home ever, did we? She wasn’t one to come out from under the couch a lot, let alone the house. Poor thing… Put some flowers on her grave sometime for me, Soren. It’s illegal for me to try.

I feel dejected more than ever. Perhaps when school is over I will feel better. Are you doing alright? How are you faring? I find it hard to believe that either of us could ever really be doing well. Still, don’t mind my dispirited-ness. I’m sure we each have our own comforts to distract us from all of it.

Write to me someday, even if only to tell me you won’t. I love you.

With love,

Alice

I think the app finally let me put in a photo! Let’s hope this doesn’t fail to post. Sorry for forgetting to try last week. How are you doing? How was mom’s birthday? Did you do anything? I know she doesn’t like unhealthy foods, and cake is pretty unhealthy. I’d ask you to say happy birthday for me, but… I don’t think she’d want to hear that.

The cherry blossoms have gone away by now, but please enjoy this photo from April 2nd! It’s sad they’ve gone away, but there’s lots and lots of types of flowers in the yards. They’re all very pretty! The plum blossoms are also still in bloom. Are the daffodils still blooming?

Not much has happened this week. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do much of anything until summer comes. Are you excited? I know I am. Since Aaron built the gate to keep the roosters confined to just one part of the yard, we can finally clean the trampoline of chicken poop.

Ever since the pandemic started, my room has felt like an isolating place to be in. It makes me miss sharing my room. Do you feel similar? I imagine it would make me feel far worse to have two beds in my room where only one is occupied. Or an absent space where a bed once was. Though I suppose you could apply that metaphorically with life..

I miss you, as always. I hope to see you again someday.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? Aaron is playing the second The Hobbit movie right now on TV, and I’m not quite sure what’s going on. I watched the first two Lord of the Ring movies, but not this.

I haven’t done much besides schoolwork this week. I sat outside for awhile and got sunburned. It turns out that in proper daylight I’m as pale as a snowman. Have you had much opportunity to go outside? At the very least, you can go to the back and front yards to get some sunlight. It’s very rejuvenating, if a little bit painful once you get burned.

I’m tired of looking at old pictures of you. I feel like you aren’t real anymore. Not dead so much as vanished, like a child from an unsolved kidnapping case who was never seen again. Just conspicuously empty spots where someone should be, but there’s nothing there. You’re not supposed to think of someone close to you as such a stagnant figure for so long. They should change over time as humans do naturally. It’s almost depersonalizing — I don’t know you as much as the nine year old you I lost so many years ago. She isn’t you anymore. But I don’t know who you are.

I hope you’re doing alright. Enjoy what you enjoy, whatever that may be.

With love,

Alice

Happy weekend! How are you doing this week? Once again, there’s been no success in sending pictures. Darn it…

It’s been getting warmer around here lately. We’ve been getting a lot more sun as the days pass. Has it been the same for you? I hope so, because cloudy and rainy weather gets a little disagreeable after awhile, even if it can be nice. I’ve been feeling melancholic this week, so having some sun would be nice. Not too much has happened. Has anything interesting happened to you lately? I’ve been enjoying my Easter candy and doing leisurely activities when not doing school, which I suppose lots of other people are doing right about now. Laura says she wants to visit sometime this year, so that will be exciting, though there are no set plans yet. How often do you see our extended family? Florida is pretty far away.

I hope you’re doing well. And, if not, school will be over for the summer soon, which will be a nice break. I miss you. I feel like I’m talking to a ghost on here, like a person talking to the grave of a passed loved one. All updates and no responses. Mom thinks the website will update her if someone leaves a comment. If you can’t do that, I’d recommend trying your Pinterest account to say something. I’d give you the password to mine, just in case you don’t have access to yours, but this message is public, and who would want the possibility of strangers on their Pinterest? I love you.

With love,

Alice

What did you do today? Did mom hide eggs and baskets? Yesterday we went to the grocery store to buy candy, and mom hid it in a single basket. Not very eventful, but pretty fun nonetheless. Did you get much candy? I have enough to last months.

Mom, Aaron, and I went on a walk on the beach today. I found lots of intact round shells that you can listen to the ocean with. There’s a bowl in the kitchen which is full of beach shells, and it’s overflowing. Have you been to the beach? The only time I remember going in Oregon was when we went to that hotel by the beach for Mom’s (Melanie) birthday. There isn’t much nature back at your house, but there’s still some nice places to walk.

I don’t remember the last time we celebrated Easter together. It was probably in 2015 or 2016, but I can’t recall it one bit. I barely remember past Easters at all, and all I have is the old videos on Flickr. Remember the video where you talked about the Easter bunny brining you Easter grass? That’s such a cute video. I wish we had more videos like that. I wish we’d have been able to celebrate more holidays together. Holidays don’t feel that special anymore. They’re usually melancholy occasions, despite the nice things I get.

Anyways, I hope you have a nice Easter. I hope you did something special today, even with the restrictions on social activities. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Once again, efforts to send pictures of the cherry blossom trees have proved fruitless. I’ll keep trying to send them every week. It’s a good thing I was able to send you pictures last January! There are also (plum? Apple?) blossoms blooming in the front yard, and they are smaller and whiter than the cherry ones, and also very pretty. I am pressing both types in a few books right now.

How are you doing? Have the daffodils bloomed? There’s a small rose bush in the front yard, but I don’t remember it being very flowery. Has it ever bloomed? I’m sure Mom is taking good care of her plants, as she always does. We had lots of house plants! No indoor flowers, though, as far as I remember. I miss that…

This week has been spring break. Has spring break started for you? Do you have any plans for Easter? I’ll write to you then, too. I’m not sure if Mom’s gonna hide eggs or baskets, since I’ve unfortunately gotten so old…. Either way, she’ll probably buy some form of candy. She’s hidden eggs for you of course, right? It’s unfortunate you don’t have access to the Easter eggs and baskets from storage — hopefully mom bought some more.

I’ll bid you happy Easter this Sunday. I hope you have fun! Happy weekend. I miss you.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? I tried to talk again to ‘blueraspberryfundip’, who claimed they knew you and that you wanted to see the Flickr photos, on Pinterest, but Pinterest told me they blocked me. I suppose I shouldn’t have asked ‘what’s your name’ and ‘do you live in Eugene’, but what’s done is done… I sent my message via mom’s Pinterest and have yet to get a response. I doubt I’ll receive one — I have never once been spoken to by anyone in our family, nor anyone I’ve tried to talk to who knows you or who Mom (Mel) has talked to. I feel like I’m in solitary confinement! What have I done? I didn’t do anything to deserve this — and I don’t know why they think I have. I miss my family, Soren…

On a lighter note, has spring break started yet? I googled it, and apparently Easter is on the fourth this year. I’m not entirely sure when mine is, but I probably won’t take it, since I have to study for the AP Human Geography exam. I suppose Easter is a long way off from Mom’s birthday this year.

I have once again tried and failed to send a picture of the cherry blossom trees. Not sure what trick of fate (or, more likely, WiFi-failure) this is.

I hope you’re having a nice spring. I can’t wait to collapse next June. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How’s it going with you? Not much has happened this week, I’m afraid. The weather’s getting nicer here, but given last week’s snow incident, you can’t be too sure about these things. A chicken enclosure is being made for the roosters so one can go to the backyard without being accosted or stepping in chicken poop. I’m looking forward to when it’s finished, because I’m a little tired of being stared at while I’m in the kitchen. I’ve attempted once again to send you pictures of the cherry blossom trees, but it hasn’t worked again. Darn…

Paris has gotten into the habit of taking things from my bedroom shelves. I’m not sure how to stop him! Perhaps it’d be more amusing than annoying if he didn’t make so much noise while doing it, especially at night. It is pretty funny to walk downstairs and see a random belonging in the hallway. We never had that happen with Fang, right? She preferred to keep to herself. I know you won’t have that problem with the fish, lol.

I hope you’re alright, and I hope it’s getting sunnier. I miss you.

With love,

Alice

How’s it going? Everything’s returned to normal around here, and the cherry blossoms are finally starting to bloom. I’d send you pictures, but the Wi-Fi isn’t cooperating with me. I hope the daffodils in the backyard have bloomed! Those have always been pretty. I recommend putting some in a vase to lighten things up inside. Aaron got some flowers yesterday, and they’re a very lovely bunch. I wish I could go on more walks, but school is demanding. How is your school going? Is it more spring-like back home yet? I don’t remember what the groundhog said, but I think spring is coming along quite nicely.

I got diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and OCD a little while back. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned them to you before — it’s not a very cheery subject. But you probably should know! I think they both originally stem from trauma, alas… I hope you don’t have many problems like I do, for we’ve both had a lot to deal with these past almost five years.

Not much has happened this week. I got a little bit of reading done, which was nice. I hope you’re okay. I miss you.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? The cherry blossoms have just started to bloom a tiny bit, so I’m excited for that. Have the daffodils in the backyard bloomed yet? I like those flowers.

Aaron had a heart attack a few days ago, but he’s all good now and came home today. There was a lot of drama about getting him a phone charger, and that was the only real worry we had for him. I’m glad it wasn’t worse, and there seems to be no trouble about hospital/ambulance fees. It’s a relief that everything’s alright.

It’s getting lighter everyday around here, though the rain is the same. ‘The rain it raineth everyday’ is a relatable Shakespeare quote I think about quite often. I miss you dearly, Soren.

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! The boys have found the stuffed whale from the basement, and it has made residence on the living room floor. They really like dragging around stuffed animals that are much larger than them. Whenever I see our stuffed Beaker lying stranded on the basement floor, I feel like I’ve discovered a body.

March is coming up. Are you excited for spring? The cherry blossom trees in the backyard have started to show buds and the days are getting longer, so I’m pretty happy. Is the weather getting nicer over there? I wonder if the daffodils in the backyard are blooming yet. Don’t they usually do so around the springtime? I don’t remember quite well, but there are daffodils in town that were blooming around a year ago.

I wonder when it’s going to be Easter next year. Mom (Mel) and I have sort of a similar guessing game that’s like ‘is Mom’s birthday going to be before or after Easter?’ vs ‘is Alice’s birthday going to be before or after summer break starts?’ Alas, I am not there to guess with any of you. I don’t remember the last time we celebrated Easter or mom’s birthday together. It was probably 2016, if not 2015, but I can’t recall a second of it.

Whatever the case, I miss you very much. I have a hard time watching representations of kidnapping on television. Will our troubles ever end?

With love,

Alice

Happy Friday! How are you doing? Most of the snow is gone over here. Do you have any of it left? Hopefully it warms up soon for the people down in Texas without any power.

Achilles is acting very clingy. It’s sweet, but a little disruptive. He always wants attention when I’m scooping the litter for some reason. He’s both the polar opposite of Pearl and Fang. Pearl isn’t scared of us though, I think she just dislikes the boys. Has the fish Puddles ever acted strangely? I know (She? He?) or another goldfish used to float upside down. That was a bit of a concerning habit.

How is school? I’ve seen more news about potential reopening. I think it’s a bad idea and I hope you don’t have to go back if it’s not safe. It’s far better to be safe than sorry, especially in potentially dangerous situations! I think the social distanced learning is the better option until the future is more certain.

I love you and I hope you’re doing well. It can get dreary sometimes. I saw some sunlight though, today, so hopefully that will be a start! Is it cloudy over there? Either way, I recommend taking walks about the yard. It’s like the modern version of Jane Austen women taking a walk around the estate. It does well when there’s not much to do!

With love,

Alice

Did you buy any candy today? We already have lots of heart-shaped candies around. The love of my life has not miraculously spawned out of nowhere yet, but there’s still some time left in the day. Have you ever dated anyone? I haven’t. I’m sure there’s lots of people to pick from at your school, but there’s little opportunity given the lockdown.

Not much has happened today. Laura’s birthday takes more precedence than Valentine’s Day today, anyway. I hope you’re having fun! I miss you.

With love,

Alice

Are you excited for Valentine’s Day? It’s coming up very soon. I don’t care much for it other than the fact that it’s Laura’s birthday and it puts lots of fun candy in the grocery store. It’s also mom’s birthday tomorrow. I’ve made her a little drawing, don’t tell her!

The super bowl was last Sunday, I believe. Did you watch it? I did, but I didn’t pay much attention. It was too loud for my tastes. Congrats to our family for the Florida team winning, though! I feel nothing about it, but I know the Mikells will like it.

Mom did some genealogy going up Aaron’s family tree, and it turns out that he is a direct descendant of actual Mayflower pilgrim Mary Chilton, and is also a distant relative of George Bush. This extends to us, making us descendants of pilgrims through our sperm donor. I still haven’t fully processed it. I know all white Americans are descendants of immigrants, but the actual Mayflower? It’s so weird. What do you think of it?

Has the storm affected you yet? It is snowing right now, and there’s a lot of it on the ground. I hope it isn’t too stormy or windy there. It isn’t here just yet, at least not in a noticeable way.

I miss you and wish you were here. Perhaps we could’ve had fun in the snow. I love you. Here is a cat picture:

I hope you have a nice Valentine’s Day. I will write to you then.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? I’m feeling a little melancholy. But we bought some grapes on Wednesday, so that’s good. Politics is insane, as usual.

I’ve started reading Emma by Jane Austen for school. It’s an absolutely delightful book to far! No violence, no fear, only wondering who’s going to marry who and if the Woodhouse family will be able to get home through the snow after visiting their friends. It’s wonderful! Highly recommended. Do you read often? What sorts of media have you gotten into since 2016?

A Mormon came to our house yesterday and gave mom a pamphlet about Mormonism. Unfortunately, I was upstairs when this happened, so I didn’t get to see him. Apparently there’s a ‘learn about Jesus’ afterlife school or something of the like??? I always wondered if people who never learned who Jesus was go to hell or not. Apparently they go to university.

We watched some old flickr videos to send to some lady who wants to cover our story. Not just about Aaron and sperm donation! I can’t wait to see what she does. The videos are cute, but they make me very sad. Remember how much we used to love My Little Pony? Sometimes I think to myself wow, I never knew a horse girl as a kid, but now I realize, oh, it was basically you. I suppose if you stare at the letter E for long enough, it stops looking like the letter E.

I miss you dearly, and I hope you’re doing well. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? Politics is going wild right now, it’s really weird to watch. Did you know some politician lady believes Jewish-funded lasers started the California wildfires? Sometimes I wish we were European…

How is school? I saw a video where a teacher was advocating against re-opening. Is there any possibility of seeing that happening sometime soon? It’s good to get out of the house, but I hope you don’t have to deal with that, because it’s dangerous to have that many people in close quarters. I hope you’re safe. I find spending time in the back/front yard a good coping mechanism for not going out.

I’m worried about the state of the world lately. I hope that you’re not being heavily affected by it in any way. Here are some cat pictures:

I hope you are well. Are you excited for Valentine’s Day? It’s coming up soon. Stay safe and alright. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? January’s already almost over, and Joe Biden’s president. Did you watch his inauguration on TV? I think I did, though I remember more of Lady Gaga’s performance than anything else. As usual, my priorities are perfectly in order. What do you think of Biden? I don’t know enough about him. At least he’s not Trump.

We started watching the show Lost recently. I know ‘stuck on an abandoned island’ shows are supposed to be scary, but goodness! Have you seen it? Apparently it was all the rage around the early 2000s. There’s an invisible monster on the island that may or may not kill the characters. Sometime later this spring when I read Lord of the Flies, I’ll see if there are many similarities. You’re not the type for creepy stories like this, right? I’m afraid I don’t know what you like nowadays.

Mom’s still really into genealogy. She found two women’s long lost birth fathers recently. She sees it as a really fun puzzle. Have you ever done a DNA test? If you get 23andMe at any point, you’ll find me, Aaron, and the people whose parents also used Aaron as a sperm donor. But if you tried to message me, I wouldn’t respond (mom looks on my profile sometimes, so maybe she would), as I don’t use my profile for anything. It’d be better to message me on Pinterest.

As always, I miss you, Soren. Not much has happened here. I love you, and stay safe. I feel like these messages are a cry into an empty void. I really hope they’re not.

With love,

Alice

First of all, sorry your birthday post wasn’t posted on your birthday. I thought it did, but apparently not. I’ve fixed it now!

Not much has happened this week, except that I ate all of the hummus in under two weeks. Mom and Aaron are invested in football season, though I must admit I’m not entirely sure what’s going on. Are you watching football at all? I don’t think we ever did there. I think the Cleveland Browns won at least one game? Right now a blue team called the Buffalo Bills is playing a purpler team called the Baltimore Ravens (apparently that’s where Edgar Allen Poe is from, though he never felt like an American to me). Neither have gotten points yet. Do you know anything about these people?

Apparently there are three Buffalo Bills, one who is the team, one who was a wild western guy, and a third who was also a wild western guy with ‘coyote’ in his name. I think one of them should have just gone by ‘Billy’ and another ‘William’.

I can’t wait for spring. Now that Christmas is over, Valentine’s Day is the only holiday to sustain us before summer while winter still lays its dreary head over us. Spring doesn’t come until May and doesn’t end until July. It’s so cold! But that’s the northwest. How’s the weather over there? I know it’s always cold over there, of course, but hopefully you have some warmer days.

I’d send some pictures of the cats, but the internet is being very slow today. I’m not sure what’s up with it. But be assured, the cats are very cute. If cats could learn English, mine never would because I’d always be holding their tiny heads like ‘bsbabbabsn who’s a good sweet beautiful boy!!!! Bbabababsb baby!!!!’

Mom says Ohioans don’t like the Baltimore Ravens because some guy was mean to the Clevelanders by moving the team away. I think we shouldn’t hold a grudge against Baltimore because 1. They have a cool raven logo and 2. It happened years ago and none of these football men are responsible.

That’s all the updates I have. How has being 14 been treating you? I hope you’re doing alright. Sending love from a state away. 💕💓💞💝💗💘💕

With love,

Alice

14!!!!! Happy birthday!!!! You’ve gotten so big, I presume, since in actuality I barely know what you look like. Welcome to Slightly Bigger Teenagehood, and the six months of the year we look one year apart instead of two. Did you have a party, and did your friends come over? What did you get? Did you make a cake? I can see mom making that wheatgrass cake from Bedtime Stories, haha.

I drew you this. I’m going to also make it the cover of a story I finished. I’d send that story to you, but I’m ~terrified~ of having things out in the open world. If I publish it to Kindle, I will post a link here.

Everything feels too normal here. But it’s not just another day. Has it been six years since I was last at your birthday? Was I there in 2016? I don’t even remember. I feel like such an awful person. I’m so sorry, Soren.

On a slightly lighter note, I have a garnet locket that I tried to put your picture in. Turns out, the printer was running out of ink, and I’m not very good at sizing. Soooo….

Once the printer ink is replaced, a suitable picture will be put in, after I painstakingly struggle with cutting nicely with scissors. This is the picture of us by the bridge in California, this one:

I’m so tired, Soren. This wasn’t supposed to happen. We were supposed to be normal. This house feels so empty without you and mom, and I feel alone all the time. I don’t like having my own room. I can’t even imagine how you feel- I never had an empty home that you were once in. I don’t know if mom ever mentions me, if I’m given a mention on my birthday, but we miss you all the time. I miss you so much. You don’t even feel real anymore, in a sense, it’s been so long that you feel more like a mythological figure, like a god who is technically ‘present’ in the lives of their worshippers but is never actually there. It’s almost been five years, and my memory’s done awful things to me since then. Do you understand? Do you feel something similar? Will I ever know your answer?

I love you, Soren. I hope you’ve had a happy birthday, and got everything you wanted. Have some cat photos as extra presents:

Goodnight, Soren, and happy birthday. I hope to see you again before your 18th.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? It’s almost your birthday. What do you want? What did you ask for? Will you have friends over, or a party? 14, woot woot. The most unmentioned of the teens, but nonetheless fine. Y’know, I had a brief zodiac sign phase, and those people always described Capricorns as stern and serious types. I guess we should’ve switched both names and birthdays, lol. You’re anything but the stern, existentialist one.

Here’s what to expect from 14: You haven’t escaped the ‘dumb 12/13/14 year old girls who think everything’s deep’ jokes yet, and I thought I finally did, until I saw a 15 year old girl one. Maybe 16 will finally be the end of it? Everything else is basically the same. Again, nobody really thinks about 14. Thirteen? Relevant. Fifteen? Even more important. Fourteen? Hmmmmm……

Have they brought out the Valentine’s Day stuff at the grocery stores yet? I just got some cherry-flavored Valentine’s Day tictacs. There’s a whole shelf already, and it’s barely January.

By the way, did you see what happened to the Capitol on Wednesday? Yikes. I’m just saying, if the Trump supporters were black, this would’ve gone very differently. They basically just let them into the building. I wish we had a country worth any patriotism.

I hope you’re doing well. How is the new year coming along? Has winter break ended? I hope you’re enjoying whatever’s going on. I’d recommend stocking up on Valentine’s candy. Mom(Jessica) has a large bag of chewy pink hearts. They’re great. But then again, Mom(Melanie) might be a bit too dedicated to healthy food for that. Remember that time I ate all of my mini-Butterfingers and Orchard Skittles in one evening and she got annoyed? Very nice times. But, I’m just saying- one third grade Valentine’s Day, Brennan(I think) from my class snuck everyone candy hearts when candy wasn’t allowed. And I think he’s quite the aspirational figure.

With love,

Alice

I wish I could say I enjoyed New Years, as a concept. Did you have fun? Did you stay up, and do you have any resolutions? I didn’t make any. Sorry I’m a day late writing this.

I was going to show you the pocket watch I got for Christmas, so here it is:

It’s pretty, isn’t it? Did you get any jewelry for Christmas? I know you like earrings, have you gotten any new ones?

Although New Years doesn’t mean too much when it comes to change, I hope the new year is kind to you. You deserve it. I miss you everyday.

With love,

Alice

Did you have fun? Pearl, Paris, and Achilles sure did- they all loved the wrapping paper.

I don’t remember Fang or Mali having this much fun with the wrapping paper. Paris hid at first (he was scared of the fire), but Achilles had lots of fun. Mom bought them a weasel ball, but they didn’t take much interest in it. Later, Achilles fell asleep on the wrapping paper. He’s very cute.

How much stuff did you get? What was your favorite present? If only you were here. Here’s my gift. Technically, it’s half yours, half mom’s, because I can’t paint very quickly.

Do you still like coffee? I know I haven’t gotten past the acquired taste yet.

I hope you like it. I’m not the best at painting (the wood isn’t even mine, it’s just a Procreate texture) but I hope it’s still nice. If you don’t like coffee that much anymore, then it can be hot chocolate, or maybe tea.

Grandma gave me some books that were our Great-Great-Grandma’s when she was 11. I thought you’d like to see them:

Little Women is from 1896 and Pollyanna Grows Up is from 1915! They were both well-loved, since they’re both falling apart compared to my 1916 copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray, which is almost normal in terms of wear.

Mary Elizabeth wrote her name and pressed a leaf into Little Women. That leaf is over 100 years old!

Here’s one more thing that I got that was pretty: a pocket watch with an opal in it. I can’t show you the pictures because I’m having a hard time uploading this. Next time, perhaps?

I have more to say, but no matter how much I write it won’t make up for the fact that you weren’t here. I also got two coins from Ancient Greece and Rome, and a pair of Doc Martens. I might talk about them if I remember next time. What did you get, and what was your favorite? I think mine was the coins or the books. I love you so much. I hope you’ve had a merry Christmas. Until next time.

With love,

Alice

P.S. I’ll leave you with this pou I drew in my diary when I was about 8:

From a mini-book titled ‘Pous and Their Names’. Love this guy.

Are you excited? I can’t wait for tomorrow morning. We did a cookie exchange thing where we made some cookies and got a few of lots of different types in return. It’s very fun, but I haven’t had the capacity for sugar to try all of them. How are you doing this evening? Are you watching any Christmas movies? I miss you very much. I hate spending holidays alone. It’s like neither of us have a sibling at all.

I can’t give you anything real this year. I’m painting something right now that I think you might like tomorrow. It’s sort of a double-gift for you and mom since it’s hard to paint quickly. I’ll send it to you tomorrow! Until then, have this:

I miss you very much. I hope you’re having a lovely Christmas. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy almost Christmas! I can’t believe it’s so soon. We decorated the Christmas tree last Tuesday. You probably have by now, are you? Is mom still using the plastic tree? What ornaments do you use? Here’s a picture of the Christmas tree:

Winter break just started for me. Has it for you? I hope you have a nice time. You’ve probably been having to stay at home anyway, so it probably won’t make much difference despite there being no school. There won’t for me. You can go to the backyard more at least? I’d do that more, but the chickens are weirdly threatening presences. Last summer I brought a bag of Pirate’s Booty and got chased around until I went back inside.

I hope you’re doing well. I will write on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I’m still counting the holidays, as usual. I’m sorry that 2015 was our fault. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Put on your yamaka! It’s time for Hanukkah! What did you do for the first night? Do you still watch Veronica Monica and use the same YouTube video for the prayers? I do. What did you get? Mom let me buy a mini lemon meringue pie from the grocery store. It was pretty good! We need to buy more candles, though, oopsie daisy.

When does winter break start? Mine is next week. I can’t wait! I’ve been stressed with school lately. I suppose I can’t wait for Christmas either, but that one brings up bad memories, you remember 2016. Alas, alas. At least there’s presents, though. Grandma won’t come over, though, because of Covid. When was the last time you saw her?

Since I can’t give you proper Hanukkah presents, have these pictures of the cats. They’re very cute.

I hope you enjoy your Hanukkah. Our mom’s been getting into The Maccabeats on YouTube lately, specifically their parody of Shut up and Dance With Me but it’s about cooking latkes. Highly recommended. I love you! May your Hanukkah be filled with undying lamps (now that I think about it, that’s most lamps nowadays. Until the power goes out).

With love,

Alice

How’s your week been? Did you enjoy the weekend? The kittens have figured out how to get on top of the fireplace. It’s terrifying! But they seem to be able to get down safely enough.

I started reading Heart of Darkness for school this month. It’s pretty racist, so if it’s never assigned I wouldn’t recommend it. However, I found an old copy of Alice in Wonderland, which is pretty good, and I recommend it. What kinds of books do you like to read, if any? I’m a classics fan more than anything.

Although it’s December, it’s been sunny this past week. Has it been cloudy there? Do you think you’ll get any snow? I doubt we will. It’s hard to get a ‘white Christmas’ unless you live in Alaska or something. Speaking of Christmas, what do you want? I can’t send anything, but it would be nice to know. I’m hoping for this necklace/pocket watch with an opal in it. Are you going to set up that fake Christmas tree? Have you bought any real ones? I always felt that the fake tree took away some special part of the Christmas tree-ness of the concept.

I miss you very much. Again, counting the holidays since we last saw each other. Aren’t the winter months awful like that? I hope you enjoy them anyways.

With love,

Alice

How is your day going? Are you planning on doing anything special? I’m watching the parade, and we’re going to make pumpkin pie. The parade is weird this year. So, I’m just doing average thanksgiving stuff. I’m also quietly seething about how much this holiday erases them awful ways Native Americans were treated.

Have you done anything fun yet today? I got a few days off of school, which is pretty nice.

I doubt you’ve heard it anywhere else, so I’m afraid I’ll have to tell you: Great-Grandma died two days ago of old age. She didn’t suffer and went peacefully. There’s an obituary online, here’s the link: https://www.sunsetfuneralandcemetery.com/obituaries/Rosemary-Share/

I’m sorry you didn’t get to see her before she passed. She was very sweet and lovely. I’m sure she missed you very much. I’m sorry if you had to find out like this. She had a good life and a good passing, and I hope we can find some comfort in that.

Despite this, I hope you have a nice thanksgiving. We can at least be thankful she went peacefully. I love you very much.

With love,

Alice

November’s felt oddly short, but Halloween feels like years ago. How are you doing? I don’t like how dark it is lately. But alas, that’s November.

How is school? I’m stressed as usual (Alas, AP classes!), but I’ll get some time off this week for Thanksgiving. I hope you’re doing well. Are you doing algebra or geometry? I got to choose which in which year. Algebra 1, geometry, then algebra 2. Do you have a similar prided? What is public middle school like? I’m afraid (Rather, quite glad) that I never got to learn. To be honest, I haven’t been completely sure what grade I’m in since 6th grade.

I finished that drawing of the witch boy, by the way, and I’ll show it to you. I still haven’t finished that portrait I started in September because I’m awful. When I finish it in about 15 business months you’ll see it, worry not. Do you draw at all? I find it sad that the last time we saw each other, I couldn’t draw at all.

I miss you very much. I wish I knew a single thing you liked, so I could talk about it. You probably don’t like Steven Universe, Shopkins, or IHasCupquake anymore, but they’re all I have to go on. Do you still like them at all? Who’s to say. (If you still like cartoons, I recommend Gravity Falls, which is set in Oregon and very fun)

I’m always melancholy nowadays, and I hope you are happy, if we ever can be given the circumstances. Can one find true happiness when pretending that nothing is wrong? Can we forget, and would forgetting be happiness? Questions I’ve considered. I know I find the answer to be no, personally. I love you. I hope nice things happened to you today.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? I haven’t done much this week, save play with the cats and school. Are you feeling Christmas-y yet? I know I’m not. But apparently some of our family members already have stockings up. When do you normally bring out the Christmas stuff?

I’ve heard Oregon is having some more lockdown stuff. I’m sorry to hear that. I wish all of this nonsense would end, and I hope you won’t have a hard time of it. I hope Joe Biden does better with coronavirus than Donald Trump did, at least. Maybe we’ll see some progress? I don’t know, I don’t trust most politicians.

It’s your birthday a few months from now. Are you excited? What do you want? I’m sorry I’m not there. I didn’t see double digits or your golden birthday. What will you be doing? With lockdown restraints, you won’t be able to have a party at Cowfish like you used to. I hope you’ll enjoy it, whatever happens.

I heard that there’s a new adaptation of The Witches that’s been released. Have you watched it? I remember you liked the old one. I haven’t seen it yet, but the effects look really cool. Please tell me if you liked it. All my love.

With love,

Alice

Happy Halloween! It’s 7:27 right now, so you’re probably trick or treating unless covid affects it too much. We can’t trick or treat in Washington, I don’t think it’s allowed. This evening, I walked in town a bit and went to a drive thru Halloween thing where actors did stuff like gesture menacingly. I loved this one dude with a ghoul mask on a motorcycle who literally yelled ‘boo’ at us. You could hear him as he went ahead and did it to every other car. It was hilarious. What are you doing this evening? What are you dressed up as? Here’s a picture of me in my costume. Like I said before, I’m Tintin.

I got a little bit of candy from a guy in town handing it out. I also still have some from last year which is keeping me going. I feel a little alone, though. You and all my friends don’t live here. Yes, I dropped out of public school, but that place made me stressed and miserable beyond mention, and wasn’t worth the ‘childhood memories’. I hope you’re trick or treating with friends right now.

Have a fun Halloween! I miss you very much. I hate counting the missed holidays.

With love,

Alice

Since tomorrow’s Halloween, I’ll write to you tomorrow too. Happy October 30th! One of the most forgettable days of the year. What are you doing tomorrow? I have plans to play minecraft with this 8 year old I used to babysit in Seattle. His name’s Greg, he’s pretty neat. Then I’m gonna lounge around in a Tintin costume and eat unfinished candy from last year. Whatever you’re doing, it’ll hopefully be a little more eventful than my day. By the way, I still haven’t finished that portrait, because I am very lazy and pretty busy. I’m working on a thing for Halloween, however, and I’ll show you it tomorrow even if it’s not finished.

Mom says I love you. We’re watching The Amazing Race right now.

I had a dream with you in it last night. I was looking at the Google Earth version of that pool we used to go to (not Amazon, the other one, what was it called?) and I saw Mom (Mel) floating in the pool. I was then transported to the pool and I saw you there. I told you ‘I’m sorry’, because I thought you wouldn’t want to see me, but you were oblivious, as if it were still 2016 and nothing had happened. You were talking with your friends. I said ‘wherefore art thou..‘ instead of ‘why are you..’ (like a weirdo) but you didn’t seem to hear me. You looked so real in the dream, as if you were actually there, for the first time in four years. I’d never felt closer to lucid dreaming. When I eventually woke up, admittedly, I cried. It felt so real.

I hope you don’t find that creepy. I’m not sure whether it’s a blessing or curse to have dreams with you in them. On one hand, I get to see you again, in the least real use of the term, and on the other hand, it makes me very sad. I’m glad that I see you more than mom (Mel) at least. I always get terrified of her when I see her in dreams. Seeing her face fills me with anxiety, even though she was once such a normal presence.

I hope you’re well. I think this is the 6th Halloween I’ve been gone. For that, and everything else I couldn’t do, I’m sorry.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? It’s been a bit of a busy week for me, schoolwork-wise. Pearl’s been nicer lately. I watched a 30s adaptation of The Scarlet Letter. I didn’t know there was a character named Pearl in it! Anyways, it’s a good movie, so I recommend it or the book.

I still haven’t finished that portrait I was gonna show you. I know, I’m slow, I’ll get it done eventually.

Have some kitten and Pearl pictures. I am always taking pictures of them.

Mom watched a documentary about gymnastics earlier. I recognized Gabby Douglas the millisecond I saw her. Do you still watch gymnastics? What do you think of Simone Biles? I think she’s brilliant and so much fun to watch.

I miss you. I hope you’re doing well.

With love,

Alice

Halloween’s inching ever nearer. It’s getting colder and darker here, but according to Laura, it’s still 95+ degrees in Phoenix. That doesn’t make for a very good Halloweeny aesthetic.

Not much has happened this week. I still haven’t finished that portrait I mentioned. I’m very slow, honestly, I’ve been slowly working on it since late September. It’s the perfectionism, in my defense. How are you doing? Has anything happened this week? The kittens are cute, as always, and Pearl is still a little distant. Here are some pictures of the kittens:

As there isn’t much else to say, this is all I have today. I miss you. I hope you’ve had a nice week!

With love,

Alice

Nothing much has changed this week. Kittens being kittens. We’re ordering a pizza tonight. I’m working on a portrait (very slowly), so I’ll show it to you when I’m done. But don’t get your hopes up, it’s not very good.

There’s a girl who reached out to me on Pinterest, by the name of Candyprincess23. Last November she asked me to make our Flickr public so you could see the photos. I did as she asked, though I did ask her in a retrospectively invasive way ‘Who are you? Do you live in Eugene?’. Not the best start for a conversation when you’re not trying to be a stalker. But still. Who is she? Do you share interests with her? My main guess is that she’s Layla right now. She has a Pinterest board about the game Danganrompa, are you a fan as well? I don’t know much about it save the general plot, but given that you like/d Yandere Simulator, it seems like something you’d be a fan of.

I’m so clueless. I feel like a more useless Sherlock Holmes, trying to figure anything out. ‘Candyprincess likes this, so does Soren??’ But how can I know? Learning anything about anything since I was disowned feels like staring out a tiny window in a solitary confinement room, leaning and squinting really hard. Trying to talk to anyone is no use, either. I tried to text Pappy once. He didn’t reply.

Whatever the case, I hope you’re doing well. Stay safe, Soren, and know that I love you, no matter what you like now.

With love,

Alice

How’s fall been treating you? Halloween is coming soon! It’s very misty (or smoky?) outside right now, which fits with the aesthetic very well. I was considering doing Inktober (in which artists draw one thing per day based on a list) but I’m too busy. Ah well, next year. Have you done anything for Halloween yet? I bought a tiny pumpkin. His name is Gerald and he lives on my dresser drawer.

I can’t wait for all the holidays coming up. Are you excited? I know this will be the sixth Halloween we haven’t spent together (2015 was on us, I’m sorry). I still try to enjoy myself. Wasn’t the last Halloween we were together for the year mom (Mel) dressed up really weirdly? I don’t remember what it was, but I think she had face paint or something? Who knows.

I hope you’re having a lovely, aesthetically pleasing fall. I love you more than anything.

With love,

Alice

How’s fall been treating you? Halloween is coming soon! It’s very misty (or smoky?) outside right now, which fits with the aesthetic very well. I was considering doing Inktober (in which artists draw one thing per day based on a list) but I’m too busy. Ah well, next year. Have you done anything for Halloween yet? I bought a tiny pumpkin. His name is Gerald and he lives on my dresser drawer.

I can’t wait for all the holidays coming up. Are you excited? I know this will be the sixth Halloween we haven’t spent together (2015 was on us, I’m sorry). I still try to enjoy myself. Wasn’t the last Halloween we were together for the year mom (Mel) dressed up really weirdly? I don’t remember what it was, but I think she had face paint or something? Who knows.

I hope you’re having a lovely, aesthetically pleasing fall. I love you more than anything.

With love,

Alice

There’s no more smoke around here anymore. It’s been raining for three days straight, which has been nice. Are things any better for you? I hope the fires are getting better.

Are you back in public school? I’m worried about public schools re-opening. I hope they wait awhile. It’s not like coronavirus is nowhere anymore.

Bad things aside, how are you doing? Have you done anything fun lately? We have lots of games at home.

We got three girl chickens today since 6-7/8 of ours turned out to be roosters. They’re younger and still peeping. I’ve named them Ophelia(ash gray color), Desdemona(Dark orange color), and Beatrice(blonde color). Right now, this means we own eleven chickens. Eleven chickens, three cats, and three unofficial spiders in my bathroom. Do you have any pets? Did you ever get more fish?

I’m afraid there’s not much else going on right now. I’m stressed from school, but dealing with it. I hope you’re doing well.

With love,

Alice

Happy weekend! Since the smoke’s starting to clear up, mom and I are leaving the island to get Starbucks. I can’t wait. Is the smoke clearing over there? I hope it is. I don’t want most of Oregon to burn down..

I have a favorite quote to cope with things. “Be patient, my heart; for you have endured things worse than this before.” -Odysseus, The Odyssey. This could be taken out of context, the wrong Homeric epic, etc, as I don’t remember it from the book, but it’s still comforting. It took him twenty years to return home. To finally be at peace again with his family. Maybe we walk a similar path. No matter the trials and almost dying multiple times and loosing so much- Odysseus still got home. We must keep hope. Or try, at least.

I’ve taken a liking to tea recently. I quite like the English breakfast flavor with a whole lot of milk. I will try to see what flavors Starbucks has tomorrow. Do you still like coffee? I still haven’t gotten past the acquired taste. I heard it keeps you awake, but makes you really stressed, which is the last thing I need these days. I have enough. Please.

I hope you are doing well. Try to avoid too much smoke inhalation. The kittens keep pooping in my closet. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing today? Well, I mean, with Oregon burning down, I presume not that well. I hope you won’t have to evacuate! The pictures I’ve seen look awful. Today I woke up and the sky was clouded over and yellowish. It looks like the start of the apocalypse. This isn’t what I meant when I said I wanted orangish fall weather!!

On a brighter note, Pearl and the kittens can hang out without getting too worried now, although they’re not on the best-est of terms. Pearl licked Achilles yesterday! Here are some more pictures. I think we all need some kitten pictures these days.

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I’ve run out of phone storage because of taking pictures of these two.

I hope you’re okay during the fires. Try to avoid breathing in too much smoke. Has school started yet? It has for me. Please stay safe.

With love,

Alice

How do you do? School’s starting up soon, will you be homeschooled? I know I sure am! (Ha) I’m taking a lot of classes on ancient Egypt this year, which makes me very excited. I’m planning on becoming an archaeologist, but I think I’ll specialize in Greece or Rome rather than Egypt. But I still love all of them. However, I’ll also be taking physics, which is terrifying. Are you good with math? What classes are you taking?

Pearl’s been adjusting well to the kittens. We can’t leave them completely alone, but we can let them interact without worry that Pearl will immediately kill them. She’s being very good! If you have any pets, how are they doing? I sort of have three small spiders living in the area under the bathroom window. I’ve dubbed them Lewis, Clark, and Sacagawea. As long as they don’t make a fuss or leave the window, I don’t try to put them outside.

Mom and I have gotten into watching The Amazing Race again recently. What TV shows do you like? Have you watched The Amazing Race since we last saw you? I also watched the new Phineas and Ferb movie. It was good, but it made me sad. Nostalgia and siblings, you understand.

I hope you are well. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How’s it going? The house is freezing and I don’t know why. It’s August. But we got kittens!! They’re called highlanders and they’re so small and they’re brothers. The darker one is Paris Alexander Mikell and the whiter one is Achilles London Mikell. (Aaron wanted it to be Paris and London, A Tale of Two Kitties)

THEY’RE SO CUTE AND SMALL!! Achilles is more rowdy, passionate, and energetic (I’ve named him well lol), and Paris is more chill. Achilles likes sitting on my shoulder! Pearl hates them, but we’re trying to make her get used to them.

Have you listened to Taylor Swift’s new album folklore? I think it’s lovely. I love the folklore-fairy vibes. My favorite song is mad woman, but the one I relate to most is seven. (It feels so weird not capitalizing anything)

I might go to an archaeology summer near Rome next summer! Crossed fingers that coronavirus isn’t an issue anymore by then. Have you gone to any summer camps in the last years? We’re they any fun? I know I never like summer camps (those condescending counselors) but I think I’ll like this one. I’ll get to actually do archaeology. And go to Rome!

With love,

Alice

How do you do? Grandma finished here visit a few days ago. I think she had fun. She even thought of looking for a place on the island, but couldn’t find one. Her cats were terrified in the room they stayed in anyway, so I suppose it’s for the best. Have you ever pet Mabel and McKinley? I haven’t, they’ve been scared of me my whole life.

We still haven’t gotten a kitten yet. Mom emailed three people from Craigslist today, and she’s hoping for this 11 week old whose face is half orange half black- it doesn’t have one side completely orange and the other black, it’s very spotted. Also, I thought of this today, wouldn’t Oliver Twist make for a charming cat name? I’m sticking with Paris Alexander Mikell, but I think it would be adorable. Cat #3, perhaps. (Crossed fingers.) Imagine a charming little kitten with dirt on his nose and a little Victorian outfit… I can’t even. Any name Dickens came up with would be a good name for a cat- he’s just so good at naming characters. Imagine an kitten called ‘Miss Havisham’ or ‘Esther Summerson’ or ‘Mr. Sowerberry’. Wonderful.

Enough of my rambling now. How has your summer been? I hope you haven’t spent too much time inside (I know I have). At least there’s the backyard. You should get chickens again- that would be fun. We still haven’t named all of ours, but those who have names are Loki, Freyja, Fenrir, Sigyn, and Sif.

If I say I miss you too much, will the message lose all meaning? Forgive me if it has. The words haven’t lost any of their original strength or feeling on my end, no matter how many times I say them.

With love,

Alice

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. My iPad spontaneously broke, and I don’t remember the password to WordPress. I didn’t lose anything though! I was terrified for the drawings I made. Yay backups. How’s summer going? I miss Amazon Pool.

Grandma’s come over for a week. Her cats are hiding under her bed. They don’t like anybody, as usual. Pearl’s never met them, but it probably wouldn’t go well. We still haven’t gotten a kitten yet, but I can’t wait. When’s the last time you’ve seen grandma? She’s said she’s been over there since the last time I’ve been there.

You showed up in another dream of mine last night. We were able to talk after the years we missed, on a playground in the middle of the night for some reason, and apparently you had an emo phase at some point in the past. I think one of your friends was there too. Audrey, maybe? I’m not sure. I think we went to a Subway too.

I miss you so much. I hope you’re having fun over the summer.

With love,

Alice

How’s your summer going? Happy late half birthday! Thirteen and a half, woohoo. Did you do anything fun for it?

Mom’s friend from her coffee shop’s two friends both have cats who’ve had kittens (whew what a sentence) and we might get one of them. The name I’ve picked out is Paris Alexander Mikell, Paris because it’s both a name and a noun (my favorite type of cat name) as well as a character in a book I like, The Iliad. As you can see, I put way too much thought into it. Alexander is because it’s a good name in general, I’m a fan of Alexander the Great, and mom is a fan of Hamilton. Sorry if this explanation is annoying, but it’s really fun to explain-

Do you like the name? I’m thinking of giving it the nickname ‘Ashes’ because it’s cute and references the ashes of the city of Troy where Paris came from- I know, I know, I’m stupid. If you got a cat, how would you go about naming it? I took the most complicated route possible. If it turns out to be a girl, I’ll have to choose between Alexandra and Alexandria for a middle name. Which one do you like better? I’m leaning towards Alexandria. I do wish I could have your input. It’ll be our cat, after all, since it’s the family cat.

With love,

Alice

I’m sorry I forgot to write to you on the Fourth of July. I suppose I was so caught up in apathy and disappointment for the country we’re in that I forgot it was supposed to be a celebration. But I hope you’ll forgive me despite that. I should remember holidays.

We watched Hamilton on the third when it came out. Have you seen it? I liked the songs (Especially King George III’s, they’re funny) and the whole stage’s aesthetic and lighting. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a good play, though it romanticizes the Revolution and it’s participants.

Pearl didn’t seem to be scared of the distant fireworks. I’m happy for that. We didn’t spark any. Too tired. But aren’t we always too tired? I haven’t had energy since pre-trauma.

I hope you had a fun holiday full of fireworks and, uh, whatever else happens on the Fourth of July. Hotdogs. (Remember that photo of us at Disneyland when you finally got your hotdog?) Hopefully you don’t have to deal with too much patriotism. Not as much as Hamilton, at least.

By the way, the Cleveland Indians are changing their name because of racism, and our family is freaking out. Uncle Ed thinks it’s the end times. I’m just happy they’re changing it. What do you think they’ll change it to? I love you.

With love,

Alice

How’s your summer going? I hope you’ve been having fun. Amazon Pool should be open by now. Have you been? I haven’t been there in a long time. That place was fun. I also liked the playground next to it and dinosaur statues you could climb.

When I wrote you on my birthday I did so before I opened my presents. I got some cool stuff, (like a stuffed seal named Lucille. The company made the pun I promise) but my favorite was a 1916 copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray, my favorite book. It’s so old! I also got another copy (although newer) in a bundle containing Dorian Gray, Dracula, and Frankenstein. It’s all pretty cool. What did you get for the last four birthdays?

We’re getting another kitten soon! Mom wants a boy so Pearl doesn’t consider it a rival, and I’m wracking my head over names. My only idea right now is Argos, after Odysseus’ angel of a dog in The Odyssey, but I’m not sure. Pearl was my magnum opus of cat naming, and girl’s names are easier anyway. What do you think?

With love,

Alice

It’s my birthday today, so happy birthday to me, I suppose. Grandma got me some cool rocks and a Greek mythology book. I haven’t opened anything else yet. How is your day going? It’s been exactly four years since we went to Enchanted Forest together. I think that’s the last distinctive memory I have of you. I don’t remember leaving to go to Government Camp. Who would’ve thought it would be the last time we saw each other? Who could’ve foretold?

I’m getting pizza for dinner. Remember when you made me pizza for my birthday? That was very nice. I don’t remember much about my birthdays pre-2016. Yours are much more distinctive. I mean, party at Cowfish with all of those fun lights. Voodoo Donuts. Playing Pool when you have no idea how to do that. I think my friend group tried to see who could imitate Siena’s cat Toffee best once.

I just tried to imitate Toffee and Pearl came downstairs meowing. I think I’m good at it. (A few seconds later) She’s now purring on my lap. I’m a wizard, Soren.

Speaking of Pearl, she keeps trying to scratch your balance beam nowadays. I keep warding her off, but you’ll find that although it is largely unchanged, there are a few tiny claw holes. I’m very sorry about that.

I miss you and hope you have a lovely day. I hope I see you again before I’ve turned 18. But I don’t know if that’s a realistic wish.

With love,

Alice

Happy June. It’s almost my birthday, which is going to be fun. Is it summer vacation for you yet? School ended for me on the fifth.

It’s raining outside right now. It reminds me of home. If I look up at the gray sky, it’s like I’m still there. I wish I was. There hasn’t been any talk of visiting, and I’m not sure we’ll be doing so soon. I think coronavirus factors into it. Haircuts were our main excuse to visit, but I doubt David’s open. (Either way, it turns out he’s transphobic, so I refuse to go to him now. Mom’s fine with that.) I just want to come home. Vashon’s fine I guess, but it’ll never be Eugene. But then again, it hasn’t been the best place to us. Look what happened to you, and how no one’s paid attention. No one pays attention here either. At an art class in Seattle once, I tried to propose an allegorical animation about our situation, and someone called me an over-sharer.

Do you have any plans for summer vacation? I don’t have many, besides reading, drawing, memes, etc. Given that it’s raining, a lemonade stand sounds like a bad idea. I love you.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? It’s nearly summer, and I’m happy that school’s almost over. I read/watched Hamlet for school, and boy is it easy to project onto him. It’s a good play, I recommend it.

The chicken and duck we got, Butterball and Joan Jett, were killed when their coop door was left open overnight. Mom and Aaron were really shaken up about it. I’m happy I didn’t spend enough time around them to get too attached, as I don’t want to cry over another loss. Speaking of, Bill is still lost. We returned the cat traps we rented, but I still check the cardboard boxes with pillowcases inside them for him. Have you bought new fish for the tank? I assume ours is gone by now.

I had a dream last night that Mom (as in Melanie) came back to me. She gave me Easter baskets to compensate for missing the holiday, but I was afraid the candy was poisoned. That night, when I went to the kitchen to get cereal, I saw light coming from a (nonexistent) window in the barn in the backyard (if I didn’t mention, there’s a barn. It’s full of spiders.). There was a curtain and a head silhouetted behind it and I knew I had to leave or else I’d be killed somehow. Not sure if Melanie was in the barn or not. I know she doesn’t love me anymore, but I still miss her.

You’ve showed up in my dreams too before. The first was at an outdoor ice rink on Halloween. It was dark but in a magenta way, and you skated away from me, and I cried out for you but you didn’t stop. I cried when I woke up. In the other, I was shocked to see you, I missed you and was happy but worried that Melanie would see, but you seemed cheery and were talking about the latest Steven Universe episode. We were in a clothing store. Have you ever had dreams about us? I think I’ve had at least one more, but I’ve forgotten them.

Did you watch the space rocket launch thing today? I’m not sure why they described it as a leap for mankind, it just seemed like some space business. I liked the stuffed dragon(?) that floated away from one of the men when they got into orbit, that was funny.

I miss you dearly. Soon it will be the fourth year anniversary of what happened. We’ve never been apart this long, not since before you were born. I will always love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy Saturday! How’s it going? I’d say ‘school’s over soon’, but you know how it is with the whole ‘pushing back further into June because we had a few school days off’ thing. Ugh. I hope you don’t get out too late. My break’s the fifth.

I hope life at home isn’t too bad. Do you still talk to your friends? I hope you do. We used to have a lot of sleepovers with our friends, didn’t we? That was nice. I’ve only had three since last I saw you, I think.

Bill is still lost, as usual. I doubt we’ll see him again. But, on the brighter side, Aaron got a full chicken (named Butterball), a full black duck (named Joan Jett), and eight little chicks that live in a box in the bathroom. We don’t know which are boys and which are girls, and will probably send all of the boys back. They were all to be named after Norse goddesses, but one bit both me and mom and we decided to call it Loki. None of the others have names yet and it’s hard to distinguish everyone. Do you remember our chickens? I miss them. I only remember one of their names, Peaches. I think I named that one. And, now that I’m thinking about the chickens, I miss our backyard too. But I don’t miss them as much as I miss you.

I hope you’re doing well. I love you. Please stay as safe as you can.

With love,

Alice

Happy May! And happy Mother’s Day too. (Oh boy oh boy oh boy-) Now talk about a formerly harmless holiday gone weird. I would say ‘Tell mom I said ‘happy mother’s day’’ but if she wanted to hear that from me, I would still be home. So, instead, happy Mother’s Day to you instead. I gave mom a cheese-it and she pretended to be annoyed.

The weather’s getting nicer. Last week it still felt like winter, and now it’s summer all of a sudden. Soon it’ll be four years since I last spoke to you. I’m sorry. If it helps, I paid for it in associating all of my favorite childhood movies with The Happier Times Before Everything Went Wrong and can’t watch them without feeling sad. Looking at you especially, Pippi Longstocking. And Harry Potter.

Did I ever tell you about the large amount of Harry Potter fanfic I wrote when I was 8-9? All about Draco Malfoy falling in love with me. Every single one. I might show you some pictures sometime, but you’d probably find them stupid. Who did you have crushes on when we were little? Do you have any now? I sure don’t.

I love you and hope summer vacation is great when it comes. I hope quarantine lifts soon, because summer traveling is fun. Have you gone on vacation since the last time I saw you?

By the way, I think I forgot to mention this, but it turns out I won’t have to return to public school. Thank goodness. Bill is still lost and I’ve started to lose hope for his return. I still put food in the traps and re-fill the lures, though. I’ll tell you if we ever find him.

With love,

Alice

How are you doing? I hope all is well. We found a bunch of recipes from storage which had a bunch of old stuff from the Mikells, and we made something called ‘Steve’s Mac n Cheese’ or something. It was very good and very southern. We should go to Cracker Barrel someday, have you been there since our parting?

A funny motif I’ve just noticed: I just cleared a Jeopardy category titled ‘Myth Greece’. I’ve cleared only two others before, one about The Iliad and the other about Ancient Greece. What can I say except your sibling’s still an entire nerd, years after mom bought me that shiny blue mythology book. I thought that was funny lmao

Do you still like the same things you used to? You’ve probably gone through entire phases I never had the good fortune to see and tolerate. Tell me everything that’s happened to you someday. What you like, what you hate, everything you want to. I’ll never get bored. I’ve lost too much time with you for that.

I hope quarantine isn’t weighing down too strongly. I love you. Since I just talked about Greek mythology, here’s a work in progress painting of Achilles mourning his boyfriend’s death. I haven’t shown you anything I’ve made in awhile.

I hope you like it, even if you never cared much for mythology. If I ever draw Taylor Swift, you’ll be the first to know.

With love,

Alice

Happy Ramadan. I hope you’ve been doing well since Easter. Have you been okay at home? I hope you haven’t had it too awful having to stay there all the time. Even I’m beginning to feel a little claustrophobic.

I finished Steven Universe recently. I related a lot to him, except for when he kept lashing out at people. I cried during the episode where he went to Connie’s mom for doctor stuff. They did well with their portrayal of trauma. Did you watch it? I know I have no idea if you even care about the show anymore.

Again, please check Pinterest if you can. I check it everyday for you. I’m also al . mikell on Instagram, which I also check daily for the family members I’ve messaged. Nobody’s replied to me, but Charles did like a comment I put on his post. Did you know he’s engaged? Since my iPad mini is basically unusable, I’ve stopped using Facebook. You’re unlikely to find me there (I’ll probably have only been tagged in photos) , so if you have Facebook message anyone else like mom or Grandma.

I love you. Please stay safe. Bill (the cat) is still lost, and Pearl is always looking out the window for him. I hope he’s okay.

With love,

Alice

Like the title says, happy Easter!! Have you done anything special today? Besides looked for eggs, of course. That’s always great fun. Remember when we did it together? I think we once went to the park for it (the old wooden one a block from our house, not the cheese park in the other direction.). They changed that park to some bright green and blue nightmare, which sucks.

I hope your Easter’s been lovely so far. I miss you so much. Every holiday is a terrible reminder of how much time’s been lost. I can’t ever truly enjoy them as much as I used to. But I hope you can. I love you.

With love,

Alice

Happy April! Did anything happen for April fool’s day? It didn’t for me. Remember the year where I put toilet paper in your shoes? That was fun. I don’t remember what you thought of it. I’m sure it wasn’t jarring, lol. How has your spring been so far? I love you.

With love,

Alice

How’s it going? There’s a whole lot of panic with the virus right now, and everyone’s encouraged to stay home. I wouldn’t take it as gospel though, especially if you were being abused or something.

Bill, Aaron’s cat, got lost a few days ago. We’ve left our traps with food, cardboard boxes with comfortable clothing, and placed two hunting cameras around, but there’s still no sign of him. I hope we find him, he’s so old and so sweet and it’s terrible that he’s outside in the cold. Have you gotten any pets since we parted all those years ago? I would assume our goldfish (Puddles? Bubbles? Pebbles? I think it was Puddles.) had died by now, but I have heard of goldfish living for a really long time. You should get another cat! They’re great, obviously. Bill let me clutch him while crying over stress a few times. But you know I’ve been obsessed with cats forever. (*Stories about Ginger, Cinnamon, and SKB loom in the background*)

I love you and hope you’re staying safe, from the virus and everything else. Wash your hands and stuff, lol. <3

With love,

Alice